I guess this is growing up

As much as I enjoy medical school, I have to admit that it is a little overwhelming and depressing at times. We learn about all kinds diseases that can impact anybody at any time. There are so many ways to die or become disabled, and we're learning about all of them. I've been told that lots of students become hypochondriacs after exposure to so many possible disagnoses from a sniffle or a headache. You could sit in your house and avoid exposure to all the pathogens, carcinogens and trauma possibilities, but you'll probably develop a thrombus and die of a pulmonary embolism. The burden of knowledge is tough.

But to me, there's something worse than learning about all the bad things that can happen. It's learning about all the good things that won't happen. You should all know that I'm really a child in a grown man's body. A well endowed grown man, I might add. Very well endowed. But despite the man-sized genitals on my outside, my inside is full of child-like wonder and a charming level of naievete.

Much in the manner of a parent sheltering their children from the crushing truth about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or President Bush, you should watch what you say around me. A simple comment often results in Montgomery running off in tears. Fortunately, most of my friends and family know of my...condition. Unfortunately, my professors do not.

Dr. Carville (named by me for his striking similarity to famed orator James Carville) is currently giving a lecture on Clinical Immunodeficiency, aka no immune system. In describing possible causes, he made a seemingly innocuous statement

Exposure to gamma radiation can lead to aplasia and severe immunodeficiency. Many residents near Chernobyl and rescue workers became immunocompromised and died of infection

I hate when uneducated students argue with professors or doctors, but I really wanted to correct him. "Dr. Carville," I'd say, "That's not true. Exposure to gamma radiation causes increased strength, balance and agility along with green skin. It's pretty well documented."

Then it hit me. It's a lie. It's all a lie. My entire childhood came crashing down around me. Bruce Banner wouldn't have become the Green Machine after gamma exposure, he would've died with lots of little plastic tubes sticking out of him.

This realization initiated a cascade of discovery. None of the beloved stories from my childhood are true. The heroes of my youth are not so much heroes as charlatans. Fakes marketing lies to impressionable children. Let's use this medical knowledge to look at the way things would really have gone:

• Spiderman - anaphylactic shock, death
• Fantastic Four - severe burns, fluid loss, infection, cancer, death
• Daredevil - blindness, becomes a personal injury lawyer
• Wolverine - death by surgical complications
• X-Men - unable to reproduce with "normals," cancer, murdered by Alabamans
• Blade - would've become a full vampire, humanity destroyed
• Batman - severe trauma, death
• The Punisher - gunshot wound, exsanguination, death
• Superman - suffocation in the cold vacuum of space, death
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - burns, infection, cancer, death
• Blankman - trauma, gunshot wounds, death

I've spent my whole life waiting for the day when a freak accident would give me super powers. Now I'm waiting for the day when a freak accident will give me a chronic disease.

Today's lecture: Clinical Immunodeficiency and Broken Dreams.

So my dreams, goals and aspirations* have been crushed. But I'm still in medical school. I'll have a chance to provide comfort for those in need. A chance to cure disease. A chance to improve people's lives. And I suppose that makes me a different kind of hero. The fake kind.

*that's "a hope or ambition of achieving something" not "the action of drawing fluid by suction from a vessel or cavity"