Ooh! Ooh! Call on me!

Actual transcript from pathology lab yesterday, whilst we were looking at slides:

Prof: What kind of cells do we see here?
Student: Inflammatory cells.
Prof: What kind?
Student: White blood cells.
Prof: More specific.
Student: Leukocytes.

I couldn't hear the rest over the sound of me slapping my own forehead. For you non-medical folks: "inflammatory cells," "white blood cells," and "leukocytes" all mean essentially the same thing. He was looking for someone to say "neutrophils," which indicate acute inflammation, but I didn't want to say anything (more on that later). It's more amusing to watch people restate the same answer several times, much to the professor's chagrine.

We were later looking at a specimen from a patient with sickle cell anemia. We were directly told it was sickle cell anemia. Here's a record of the events:

Prof: What's going on?
Student: Crisis.
Prof: What kind?
Student: Sickle cell crisis.

And another head slap. He was looking for "acute chest syndrome," a much less obvious answer. But again the students just rephrased the same answer and I laughed. I should also note that Bees and I both made "a cute chest" jokes. Because we're mature.

It always amuses me when people attempt to answer questions and/or contribute in class. Especially at the medical school level. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Well...maybe there is. But everybody can do their own thing in class. It's just that my thing has never been speaking up in class. A quality which I attribute to public schooling.

Don't get me wrong, I love public schools. I've only gone to public schools and look how far it's gotten me. I could be the next Alfred Einstein. A real rocket surgeon. Public schools are free, they provide and education and they expose you to real people from all walks of life. When I have kids (read: when I stop doing shots of dibromochloropropane), I plan to send them to public schools. That way they can be taunted and beaten just like their old man (whoever he might be).

I feel that there is one very important lesson you learn in public schools that you might miss in the private sector: keep your mouth shut and blend into the crowd. I'm like a graduate of the Milford Academy. If you understood that reference, you get 300 Montgomery Fun Bucks™†.

18 years in the Arizona public school system has taught me that teachers don't actually care about what you have to say and other students will probably tease you for speaking in class, no matter what it is you're saying. If a teacher asks a question, keep your hands down and for the love of god don't make eye contact. Don't be a hero. You're not going to impress anybody.

Instead, I prefer to sit in the back and silently come up with my own answer. Occasionally I'll mutter it aloud to nobody in particular, but I'm always disappointed in myself after doing so. If I get the answer right I do a mental Happy Dance, which is a disgusting mixture of the Cabbage Patch and the Robot. If I get the answer wrong I hang my mental head in shame, then later flagellate myself in the privacy of my house or a public restroom.

But some people haven't learned the same lessons I have. Many students insist on "participating" and "making their education interactive." Bah, I say! Bah! Here's a quick rundown of things said in class:

• 40% irrelevant questions, either off topic or easily obtained from notes and/or paying attention
• 35% wrong answers
  • 20% just plain wrong
  • 15% totally out of left field, probably buzzwords/buzzdiseases* overheard on House the night before
• 20% attempts to kiss ass or look smart, usually in the form of things recited directly from the notes
• 10% completely unnecessary anecdotes
• 5% correct answers which actually contribute to class

You might notice that my list doesn't add up to unity**. That's because I always give 110%.

So as you can see, I'm not a big fan of people talking in class. I'm not paying $16,000 a year to listen to people who have the same level of education as me. Dr. Palsy is obviously an exception to the no talking rule. But the talkers are also paying a hefty chunk of change, so I let it slide.***

But what else would I expect? It's med school - the cream of the nerd crop. Keep talking, fellow students, and I'll keep waking up just long enough to laugh at the more ridiculous comments.



†Montgomery Fun Bucks™ are redeemable at select Montgomery Road retailers nationwide. Some restrictions may apply. Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Montgomery Fun Bucks™. Caution: Montgomery Fun Bucks™ may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Immediately discard Montgomery Fun Bucks™ if any of the following occurs: Itching, Vertigo, Dizziness, Tingling in extremities, Loss of balance or coordination, Slurred speech, Temporary blindness, Profuse sweating, or Heart palpitations. Montgomery Fun Bucks™ may stick to certain types of skin. Do not taunt Montgomery Fun Bucks™.

*With your help, we can introduce the phrase "buzzdiseases" into common parlance. Examples of buzzdiseases: West Nile, Ebola, Cooties, Bird Flu

**math terminology alert

***In truth, I actually don't really care (I don't pay attention anyway). But how exciting would my blog be if I simply wrote "I don't care" all the time? Actually, that sounds kind of nice...