These are the people in my neighborhood
Legal Counsel and I live in a townhouse which is located within a self-contained neighborhood of essentially identical townhouses all leased by the same company. It feels like a cul-de-sac, but more square than round and not on a public street and made of identical subunits. The setup is nice since it feels more safe/comfortable than being exposed directly to a street. But there's one thing about these cul-de-sacs: only one way in and the people are kinda strange*.
We've been living in our townhouse for almost 4 months now, which is plenty of time to start making baseless allegations about our neighbors. Here we go!
Chester
This kindly old gentleman lives in the deepest recess of the community. He was the first person we met. While running recon on these townhouses, we saw him taking out his garbage. He was very kind and helpful. He let us know that he loves the management company, that crime is low and that the houses won't erupt in flames no matter how hard you try. Quite social and very nice. Too bad he's a sex offender.
I know, I'm as surprised as you. But look at the evidence: (1) he's white (2) he's polite, (3) he has a moustache, (4) he has a receding hairline, and (5) his head is shaped like a lightbulb. All signs point to pedophile. He's probably got some kind of freaky dungeon room in his house. Good thing Legal Counsel and I are outside his age range. So nothing to worry about.
Charlie
Another old guy, Charlie lives directly next door to us. Our conversations are always short and he always takes out our recycling bin. His head is less like a lightbulb and more like Tom Sizemore. So obviously he is a Vietnam Vet.
In Nam, he spent most of his time defending innocents from his psychotic platoon-mates. When he got home from Nam, his wife was gone and his country abandoned him. He turned to secret missions for the government, which disavowed all knowledge of him after his first failure. This sequence of unfortunate events has left him with serious trust issues. Now he spends his days in the townhouse, in the dark with his only friend: Jack Daniels.
He's got a 3' x 3' x 7' crate full of firearms, ammunition and MREs with "OPEN IN CASE OF ZOMBIE INVASION' written in yellow army stencil across the top. He's waiting patiently, much like myself. With my zombie knowledge and his combat experience, we can't lose. If he can keep his drinking under control...
Bizarro Lucy & Ricky
A white guy and his hispanic nurse wife. I imagine them to be much like Lucy & Ricky from I Love Lucy, except in reverse. Bizarro Lucy works a respectable job in a hospital, while Bizarro Ricky is constantly showing up and asking to be "in the show." Apparently he thinks there's some kind of show in the hospital. He might be crazy.
They're probably into hardcore S & M, too.
Mrs. Nebbercracker**
The morbidly obese, chain-smoking woman who lives next door. She's like heart disease incarnate. I've got all kinds of stereotypes based on those two qualities alone. She's going to die alone when she falls asleep watching her soaps and a lit cigarette lights her house dress on fire.
There are also lots of kids in that townhouse. There are two explanations for this. First, she's managed to get a bunch of guys (or one guy repeatedly) drunk enough to impregnate her multiple times. Why are the breeders always crazy? Or second, she runs a daycare business. Which is terrifying; if you saw this lady, you'd never let your kids within 30 feet of her. She'll probably eat them. Whatever the case, those kids are going to turn out messed up. I've got two words for the children raised by her: HELD BACK. REPEATING THE THIRD GRADE. LOW STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES. I GUESS THIS WAS MORE THAN TWO WORDS.
Animal House
I haven't really seen the people in the two townhouses directly across from us, so I assume they're in college. Their majors are: physics, sanskrit, and physical education.
And the rest
Any townhouse not directly referenced in this post is just being used for making meth. You don't want to live there. Trust me.
Those are my conclusions based on limited exposure and judging books by their covers. Updates to come once I actually talk to them.
*obscure movie reference! I feel obligated to point it out, since I think it will get ignored otherwise.
**Mrs. Nebbercracker always shoots me dirty looks, so I'm being especially mean to her
We've been living in our townhouse for almost 4 months now, which is plenty of time to start making baseless allegations about our neighbors. Here we go!
Chester
This kindly old gentleman lives in the deepest recess of the community. He was the first person we met. While running recon on these townhouses, we saw him taking out his garbage. He was very kind and helpful. He let us know that he loves the management company, that crime is low and that the houses won't erupt in flames no matter how hard you try. Quite social and very nice. Too bad he's a sex offender.
I know, I'm as surprised as you. But look at the evidence: (1) he's white (2) he's polite, (3) he has a moustache, (4) he has a receding hairline, and (5) his head is shaped like a lightbulb. All signs point to pedophile. He's probably got some kind of freaky dungeon room in his house. Good thing Legal Counsel and I are outside his age range. So nothing to worry about.
Charlie
Another old guy, Charlie lives directly next door to us. Our conversations are always short and he always takes out our recycling bin. His head is less like a lightbulb and more like Tom Sizemore. So obviously he is a Vietnam Vet.
In Nam, he spent most of his time defending innocents from his psychotic platoon-mates. When he got home from Nam, his wife was gone and his country abandoned him. He turned to secret missions for the government, which disavowed all knowledge of him after his first failure. This sequence of unfortunate events has left him with serious trust issues. Now he spends his days in the townhouse, in the dark with his only friend: Jack Daniels.
He's got a 3' x 3' x 7' crate full of firearms, ammunition and MREs with "OPEN IN CASE OF ZOMBIE INVASION' written in yellow army stencil across the top. He's waiting patiently, much like myself. With my zombie knowledge and his combat experience, we can't lose. If he can keep his drinking under control...
Bizarro Lucy & Ricky
A white guy and his hispanic nurse wife. I imagine them to be much like Lucy & Ricky from I Love Lucy, except in reverse. Bizarro Lucy works a respectable job in a hospital, while Bizarro Ricky is constantly showing up and asking to be "in the show." Apparently he thinks there's some kind of show in the hospital. He might be crazy.
They're probably into hardcore S & M, too.
Mrs. Nebbercracker**
The morbidly obese, chain-smoking woman who lives next door. She's like heart disease incarnate. I've got all kinds of stereotypes based on those two qualities alone. She's going to die alone when she falls asleep watching her soaps and a lit cigarette lights her house dress on fire.
There are also lots of kids in that townhouse. There are two explanations for this. First, she's managed to get a bunch of guys (or one guy repeatedly) drunk enough to impregnate her multiple times. Why are the breeders always crazy? Or second, she runs a daycare business. Which is terrifying; if you saw this lady, you'd never let your kids within 30 feet of her. She'll probably eat them. Whatever the case, those kids are going to turn out messed up. I've got two words for the children raised by her: HELD BACK. REPEATING THE THIRD GRADE. LOW STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES. I GUESS THIS WAS MORE THAN TWO WORDS.
Animal House
I haven't really seen the people in the two townhouses directly across from us, so I assume they're in college. Their majors are: physics, sanskrit, and physical education.
And the rest
Any townhouse not directly referenced in this post is just being used for making meth. You don't want to live there. Trust me.
Those are my conclusions based on limited exposure and judging books by their covers. Updates to come once I actually talk to them.
*obscure movie reference! I feel obligated to point it out, since I think it will get ignored otherwise.
**Mrs. Nebbercracker always shoots me dirty looks, so I'm being especially mean to her
posted by Montgomery at 8:07 AM
1 Comments:
Awesome PCU reference, Montgomery!
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