Tea for Dong!

I get lots of email spam. My inbox consumes more spam than Guam and Hawaii combined. It wasn't always that way. When I first obtained my university email account it was spam free. Now I get more spam than actual mail. But I suppose that's what I get after using my real email address to gain access to websites dealing with cheap ink cartridges, interspecies erotica and..."male shortcomings."

Most of the spam is boring, but every once in a while I get something I'd like to share. Here is the most flippant spam email ever, quoted word-for-word:

Title: pump your weenie!

Hello chap

I don't care why your meat is so small, but 89% of women do.
They are pretty sure that bigger member will make their desire
stronger. You have the chance to change your life.

Here [website removed] you can get the thing.

It will help you for sure.
The remedy can be sent worldwide.
If you wont be satisfied - we will return all you money.
No bullshit.

Nice, right? If this doesn't make you want to go out and buy cock pills, I don't know what will. Let's analyze it, shall we?

• The title is "pump your weenie!" Looks like they've got those sweatshop kids writing for the IT department, promoted from sewing shoes.
  
• I do like being referred to as "chap." It's very British, and the British are well known for their large members. Trust me ;) Unless he's using "chap" to refer to my cracked, rough and sore penis, in which case: Not Cool!
  
• You don't care why my meat is small?? Isn't that the heart of this whole communication? Maybe you should start expressing an interest in my junk if you're trying to sell me a product directed at it.
  
• I can pull statistics out of my ass, too. 93% of women think my penis is big enough, so take that.
  
• If they're only "pretty sure" that they want my paackage to go from tall to venti, then I'm only "pretty sure" I want to buy your product. Good day, sir!
  
• No bullshit, eh? Does that mean you're not lying to me, or does it mean that your product contains 0% bullshit. It's good either way, I just want to clarify.

Online male enhancement vendors just don't seem to care anymore. It's a shame, really. It used to be about helping people. You sold out, penis pill vendors. Now it's all about the money and rock-and-roll lifestyle. For shame...