Today's post brought to you by the letter C, for cancer

And by the number 6, which is how many months you have to live.

I'm in pharmacology right now and we're smack dab in the middle of a lecture on cancer drugs. Not a very happy subject...unless of course the cancer patient is Hitler or that BTK guy. Excellent...

Fortunately, our lecturer (who I shall call Dr. Rook) has managed to move the mood away from depressing and closer to downright creepy. Her speech tone and mannerisms are identical to those of a children's television show host.

Everything she says is in a very kind-hearted and caring tone, and she brings up the end of her sentences like questions, as though she's trying very hard to make sure we get every concept. The same way you teach a child how to tie their shoes. It's really weirding me out. Jibbly...

Imagine Elmo trying to explain to a child why their mother is dying. Or Big Bird staring into the camera and explaining which drugs dad has to take to battle his cancer. It's like some kind of surreal nightmare made real.

But it's also little comforting. A familiar voice in a dark cloud...like a child singing in a concentration camp. Actually that's probably the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Forget I said that.

But honestly - wouldn't we be making better doctors if we taught all the material in the form of children's television show? Their focus on flashy colors and ability to maintain short attention spans is perfectly suited for my particular needs. Plus, they're always happy. Here are just a few examples of how life can be better:

Pathology
Help Blue find the lesion!
That blue pawprint would make things much easier. Not to mention the chorus of children yelling answers at me.

Pharmacology
♫Procarbazine in given over 14 days orally in the treatment of brain cancer♫

Microbiology
"Thomas is transporting a third-generation cephalosporin, which is effective against many gram-positive and gram-negative bacteria. This is quite fortunate, because Mr. Conductor has gonorrhea."


See, isn't that more fun?

In writing this post, I did a search for "gonorrhea" followed by a search for "Thomas the Tank Engine." I hope nobody's tracking me, or I could be getting a visit from the feds soon.

PS - Dr. Rook looks a lot like (no offense) Ugly Betty. I wish I could find a good picture...

PPS - This is one of the best McSweeney's articles yet.