Medical Microbiology Merriment

I had my Social & Behavioral Sciences test this morning, and it had such challenging questions as, "Should you talk to patients who are in wheelchairs?" Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great class and students in the new curriculum are going to suffer as doctors for not having it. But they usually make their test questions really easy. Not that I'm complaining.

Microbiology, on the other hand, is going to be quite difficult. So as soon as I finished SBS, I ran to Taco Bell to get some diarrhea, then headed back to the school to study cases on the lab computers. Most of the questions are fairly mundane, but every once in a while something sticks out...like an HPV papule. Here are my highlights:

He was a catfish farmer who lived in eastern kansas, and had been recently finned by a catfish.

Finned by a catfish? That's just cool. Based on that history, I diagnose him with a scruffy grey beard and suspenders. My prescription: catfish revenge. You fin him right back, sir!

Immediately prior to the onset of symptoms, he stated that he had been beaten with a club in the right chest.

I'm going to have to assume this guy is either a caveman or level 8 paladin. My recommendation: stop getting beaten with clubs. I wonder how his left chest is doing? Good to know he has two, one as a backup.

They had three dogs, no other children, no day care, no travel, no mexican cheese...

Well that's good to know. It's delicious, but deadly. Much like myself.

Her clinical course was complicated by ARDS, gram negative and enterococcal sepsis, acute tubular necrosis, and she required over 300 units of blood.

Wow, this lady has some really bad luck. Also, she's got enough blood to fill 50 adults, which is a huge risk factor for vampire attacks. Practicing preventitive medicine, I'd prescribe: garlic, crosses and wooden stakes. Or maybe not...overprescription can lead to resistance. And the last thing we need is a bunch of garlic-resistant vampires.

One week previously a novice dialysis technician had some difficulty canulating his fistula for dialysis. Three days ago the fistula sight became slightly red and sore.

I know enough medical jargon to understand what's going on, but doesn't "canulating his fistula" sound really dirty? Probably the "anul" and "fist" sounds so close together. And it's no wonder it became red and sore, you don't won't a rookie trying that kind of move. Trust me.

Another highlight is that every time a case has one risk factor, it has to throw in all the rest. It's not just HIV, it's HIV and smoking and alcoholism and unprotected sex and IV drug use. Rock and roll! What are they at risk for? Pretty much everything.

The best part about this program is that when you get an answer correct it says, "Correct!" The exclamation mark makes it seem all happy and proud. But if you get it incorrect it says, "Wrong!" This time, the exclamation mark makes it seem mocking and condescending. Stupid bi-curious punctuation....

Oh well, back to studying.