Fruit Cocktail

When Legal Counsel and I first moved into our current residence, we had a vision (or as my psychiatrist calls it, a folie-a-deux). One of the elder gods appeared and instructed us to purchase a juicer. So we did. And it is awesome. I've always said that chewing is overrated, and now I can finally bypass my damn stupid teeth. You think you're better than me, teeth? Do ya?? I could have enamel too, ya know...I just don't wanna.

Cut to yesterday, when Legal Counsel returns home with a fresh load of fruit. Score. But she had a surprise in store for me. She had found a "Grapple" (pronounced "grape-l") - it's an apple that tastes like a grape. Witchcraft! I was too excited to juice it, I had to dig right in.

I've got some bad news for anybody hoping to run out and buy some grapples - it's all a lie. you want the truth? It's actually an apple that tastes like an apple, but smells like a grape. Which confuses my senses just enough to increase my brain aneurysm by 1mm. Don't get me wrong, it's still delicious. But that's just because apples themselves are delicious.

So I decided to look it up. And here's what wikipedia has to say:

The product is created by soaking a Fuji apple in artificial grape flavoring

Here I was thinking the grapple was the product of some mad scientist's genetic modification of an apple tree. But no, it's the product of Gilligan bumping into the Professor at the flavor factory.

Maybe this is actually a good thing. It opens up a whole new world of artificial fruit potential. If it was created by cross-breeding fruit, we'd have to resolve ourselves to fruit that just tastes like other fruit: apple that tastes like grape, grape that tastes like orange, orange that taste like pineapple, pineapple that tastes like kumquat, kumquat that tastes like breadfruit, etc.

But using artifical flavoring, we can make them taste like anything! Anything! Just read "Fast Food Nation," you'll learn that they can do wonders with chemical flavoring. Or if you're too lazy to read, get your illiterate ass to the candy shop and eat some Jelly Bellies. Mmm...Jelly Bellies....

With the knowledge that all we need to do is soak a fruit in flavoring, let's explore the things that molecular gastronomists should start working on. It's time to get manifest destiny all over these angiosperms!

Pearamisu
Lemon merango
Lycheetos
Swineapple
Lemonte Cristo sandwich
Cayenngerine
Bear Clawberry
Grape Ape
C-antelope
Bunnydew melon
Beernana
Bubble gumquat
Aprikatsudon
Salamigranate
Key Lime Pie
Blood orange
Breadfruit
Buckcherry

Science is delicious...