A Little Off the Top

The world of medicine is a scary place. Vital decisions, life-altering treatments and missing tee time are all par for the course for doctors. Maybe not missing tee time; that's a little too far. But you get the idea.

Well after being fully engrossed in terror for about a year-and-a-half, I think I've finally discovered the Scariest Thing in Medicine™. FDR once proclaimed from atop a pile of vanquished foes that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well my friends, I have stared Fear Itself in its single unblinking eye and lived to tell the tale.

The scariest thing in medicine is...the neonatal circumcision.

During my last Family Medicine rotation I had the honor and privilege of acting as mohel to a young boy I'll simply call "Unfortunate Victim." Don't worry, everything went fine. But honestly, who would've have expected the parents to say "yes" when asked "is it okay if the student does it?" Regardless, I got to do the whole procedure from soup to nuts. Sorry, bad choice of words. Let's go with "start to finish" instead.

Despite being closely supervised, I was scared witless the entire time. Last time I checked I was a boy, so my empathy was in overdrive. Forget uncontrolled bleeding, drug reactions or even death - those things are over quick. The consequences of my actions would be seen by this kid every time he looks down for the rest of his life. Unless he decides to wear pants.

After all was said and done, and after my attending physician had time to stop me from weeping, I had time to reflect on what had happened. I had made myself an unremovable aspect of that child's life (maybe "irreplaceable" is a better term in this case); I'll never forget little What's-His-Name, and he'll have a constant reminder of me. Our lives have become intertwined - which I think means he gets half of my student loan debt, too. So get on that, would you kid?

But really, that's an awful lot of power. The same guy who's sitting here writing goofy jokes will have somebody's life in his hands in a few short hours. And then another person's. And then another person's. And then yours...muahaha!! Sorry, got carried away.

It's the kind of power that I've been told tends to corrupt. One need look no further than Dr. Evil for an example. We all know what happens when doctors become corrupted - plastic surgeons are born. I'm just kidding! They're pre-corrupted and become doctors later.

This experience has given me a new appreciation for responsibility doctors carry. We have to keep our patients' interests paramount and know what we're doing? Pretty tall order. I just hope I can live up to those expectations. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get the reward every doctor hopes for when a former patient recognizes me, signals toward his crotch, and says, "Nice work, doc."