There's more of gravy than of grave about you.
I'd say that Christmas was good this year. I almost drove myself to bankruptcy buying gifts, but Legal Counsel would know how to get me through that spot of trouble. I got gifts for everybody and all the money issues worked out, so things are back to normal. I'd write about the gifts I purchased, but I don't know how the recipients feel. But who wouldn't love a box of live rattlesnakes? Instead, I'll write about what I received.
On the first day of Christmas, my brother gave to me: 512M DDR RAM for my iBook. That's pretty awesome. It was soo slow before. Workable, but slow. And when I told him I was running on factory specs (256M), I think he nearly had an aneurism. Now I can play WoW and surf for pornographic materials at three (3) times my previous speed. Score!
On the second day of Christmas, my mother gave to me: a stethoscope with PediaPals tag. Score #2. I can finally play doctor proper-like. Until now I've been using two Dixie cups attached with a string. Let me tell you, that technique does not inspire confidence in your patients. But whenever they filed complaints I would write them a referral to Drs. Smith and Wesson. The PediaPals tag has a space for my name and contact information on one side and a FRIGGIN' SWEET MONKEY on the other. How awesome is that?? I'll have a cool little monkey hanging from my hearing device. That alone is enough to push me into pediatrics.
On the third day of Christmas, a joint endeavor gave to me: the complete Family Guy DVDs. Again, freakin' sweet. Now I've got nine (9) DVDs of hilarity at my disposal. That's two chicken fights, 3 vaudeville guys, and countless random references. Score the third.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: the best Christmas gift I can ever remember receiving. Legal Counsel gave me an annual pass to the Happiest Place on Earth™ - Disneyland. Anybody who knows me knows that I love that place. It's so much fun. And now I've got a year of free access to both parks and discounts on food and services. Ultimate score. Cue the happy dance. I didn't even see it coming - total surprise, making it all that much better.
We exchanged gifts at a Carl's Jr. Christmas Eve/Morning at about 1am. Let me tell you - it is impossible to find a place which serves milkshakes at 1 am Christmas Eve/Morning. Don't even try In n' Out, McDonalds or Village Inn. It's a lost cause. But eventually we discovered Carl's Jr., which actually had good shakes. They brought all the boys to the yard. All in all, a memorable Christmas.
Why were we driving around at 1am Christmas Eve/Morning, you ask? Because we did Christmas Eve with her family's family and Christmas Day with my family so we had to drive that night. The best part was when we saw Santa Claus flying over the I-10, travelling north. Evidently he delivers to Tucson first. Probably because it's farther east, and because it has a higher population of cool people.
Christmas with Legal Counsel's sister's in-laws was...interesting. They're Mormon, not that there's anything wrong with that. Little known fact: Mormons love Jesus. Pictures of that dude everywhere. Take a teenage girl's room, then replace all her posters of...damn, who do girls like nowadays...um...Errol Flynn...yes, replace all her Errol Flynn posters with pictures of Jesus and there you have it. And we got to watch a nativity scene. This is probably my first Christmas with any kind of religious aspect (if you don't count, "God damn, that's good turkey").
And because Mormons couples have a minimum child count of 3-4, depending on which coven you attend, there were tons and tons of uncles/aunts/cousins/borthers/sisters/children/fathers/mothers. To curb the rampant gift requirements, a White Elephant was arranged. You know, bring a generic gift, put them all in a pile and pick one or steal somebody else's unwrapped one. A few observations:
I know I'm generalizing all Mormons based on one family, but guess what? Shut up. I can do what I want. I'll admit that my stereotypes are probably wrong, just to cover my ass.
I'll finish this post with my worst Christmas gift memory, since this year gave me my best. I was in elementary school, maybe 8 years old, and it came from my grandmother. I love her, but this gift was bad. She gave me some personalized pencils. A pretty crappy gift to begin with, right? Scratch that - it's a very grandma gift. Well, these Montgomery pencils actually had my name spilled incorrectly. The -an was replaced with -on. Sigh. The written form of my ever-present mispronouncation. Then she had a big fight with my mom over how to spell my name. It was a little depressing. But funny in hindsight. Anybody else have good stories?
On the first day of Christmas, my brother gave to me: 512M DDR RAM for my iBook. That's pretty awesome. It was soo slow before. Workable, but slow. And when I told him I was running on factory specs (256M), I think he nearly had an aneurism. Now I can play WoW and surf for pornographic materials at three (3) times my previous speed. Score!
On the second day of Christmas, my mother gave to me: a stethoscope with PediaPals tag. Score #2. I can finally play doctor proper-like. Until now I've been using two Dixie cups attached with a string. Let me tell you, that technique does not inspire confidence in your patients. But whenever they filed complaints I would write them a referral to Drs. Smith and Wesson. The PediaPals tag has a space for my name and contact information on one side and a FRIGGIN' SWEET MONKEY on the other. How awesome is that?? I'll have a cool little monkey hanging from my hearing device. That alone is enough to push me into pediatrics.
On the third day of Christmas, a joint endeavor gave to me: the complete Family Guy DVDs. Again, freakin' sweet. Now I've got nine (9) DVDs of hilarity at my disposal. That's two chicken fights, 3 vaudeville guys, and countless random references. Score the third.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: the best Christmas gift I can ever remember receiving. Legal Counsel gave me an annual pass to the Happiest Place on Earth™ - Disneyland. Anybody who knows me knows that I love that place. It's so much fun. And now I've got a year of free access to both parks and discounts on food and services. Ultimate score. Cue the happy dance. I didn't even see it coming - total surprise, making it all that much better.
We exchanged gifts at a Carl's Jr. Christmas Eve/Morning at about 1am. Let me tell you - it is impossible to find a place which serves milkshakes at 1 am Christmas Eve/Morning. Don't even try In n' Out, McDonalds or Village Inn. It's a lost cause. But eventually we discovered Carl's Jr., which actually had good shakes. They brought all the boys to the yard. All in all, a memorable Christmas.
Why were we driving around at 1am Christmas Eve/Morning, you ask? Because we did Christmas Eve with her family's family and Christmas Day with my family so we had to drive that night. The best part was when we saw Santa Claus flying over the I-10, travelling north. Evidently he delivers to Tucson first. Probably because it's farther east, and because it has a higher population of cool people.
Christmas with Legal Counsel's sister's in-laws was...interesting. They're Mormon, not that there's anything wrong with that. Little known fact: Mormons love Jesus. Pictures of that dude everywhere. Take a teenage girl's room, then replace all her posters of...damn, who do girls like nowadays...um...Errol Flynn...yes, replace all her Errol Flynn posters with pictures of Jesus and there you have it. And we got to watch a nativity scene. This is probably my first Christmas with any kind of religious aspect (if you don't count, "God damn, that's good turkey").
And because Mormons couples have a minimum child count of 3-4, depending on which coven you attend, there were tons and tons of uncles/aunts/cousins/borthers/sisters/children/fathers/mothers. To curb the rampant gift requirements, a White Elephant was arranged. You know, bring a generic gift, put them all in a pile and pick one or steal somebody else's unwrapped one. A few observations:
1. They take that game way too seriously.
2. White elephant with children involved= horrible, tear soaked idea
3. All Mormons carry gigantic knives (which came in handy for opening gifts in boxes
4. Mormons are horrible at picking generic white elphant gifts. Potpourri? Seriously?
I know I'm generalizing all Mormons based on one family, but guess what? Shut up. I can do what I want. I'll admit that my stereotypes are probably wrong, just to cover my ass.
I'll finish this post with my worst Christmas gift memory, since this year gave me my best. I was in elementary school, maybe 8 years old, and it came from my grandmother. I love her, but this gift was bad. She gave me some personalized pencils. A pretty crappy gift to begin with, right? Scratch that - it's a very grandma gift. Well, these Montgomery pencils actually had my name spilled incorrectly. The -an was replaced with -on. Sigh. The written form of my ever-present mispronouncation. Then she had a big fight with my mom over how to spell my name. It was a little depressing. But funny in hindsight. Anybody else have good stories?
posted by Montgomery at 10:11 AM
1 Comments:
I wish I could celebrate the non-Jew holidays. They seem much more fun, than you know, opening boxes of undies and fasting away our sins.
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