It's good to be square
You remember those puzzles when you were a kid where you'd try to guess what an object was from a zoomed in snapshot? If you don't, you're a communist. For those of you wholesome folk out there, here's one for you:
Disgusting, I know, but you can do it. Look closer. Look at it! You give up, quitter? Here's a zoomed in clue:
That makes things a lot easier, eh? As you have probably guess, it's a hamburger. But not just any hamburger - it's the Wendy's Classic Quintuple:
To give you a good size comparison, I had a young urban stereotype stand next to it. His name is Perico and he is average guy height:
As you can see, this sandwich is a good 12 feet tall, 16 feet wide.
This abomination came about as a result of a Wendy's commercial. Who says advertising doesn't work? The commercial showed Wendy's burgers growing and shrinking, mimicking sound level bars on a stereo. J-bone decided to see if they would actually make a burger that big. Why did he do that? Because he's a sick, sick man. They don't actually show a five layer burger in the commercial, but apparently they can make one as big as you'd like. Wendy's might be the reason the world hates America. Their new slogan should be, "We cater to any manner of food-related deathwish." The CDC should list "Living within 2 miles of a Wendy's" as the highest risk factor for colon cancer.
This thing was horrible. As you can see in the pictures, it is glistening with grease. Enough grease to make the best Slip-n-Slide EVER, I'd guess. As a medical student, I wouldn't even recommend you look at this thing, let alone eat it. If you have to look at it, I'd advise that you use your periphal vision to prevent beef-induced blindness. It does have several practical ses, though. You can put it in your yard to prevent vegetarians from congregating. It can also single-handedly put an end to Burning Man. It's also a faster way to butcher cattle: one look and the cow will keel over dead, then fracture into its component meats.
Costing J-Bone the princely sum of $6, this monstrosity weighs in at an impressive 517g, or 1.14 pounds of pure artery-cloggin' goodness. For those of you keeping score at home, here are the facts:
Impressive. Get a meal goin' with fries and a drink and you've got:
I'll admit to being a little disappointed that it didn't crack the 100 grams of fat mark. But otherwise, it's a pretty decent appetizer. It'll be sending business my way in a few years. And maybe some work for Legal Counsel, too, if litigation continues the way it has been. And she decides to visit the bottom of the barrel. Who cares about personal responsibility, right?
Rest assured, nobody ate the mammoth. I'm not even sure if anybody directly touched it. It would probably creep over your whole body like the mirror scene in The Matrix. I can't imagine having this culinary abortion squish between my teeth. Jibbly.
Bonus
Here's the telegraph that would have been sent had this thing been discovered during a routine military expedition to the Arizona Territory, November 1878 (with picture printed in the Tombstone Epitaph):
Gen Asboth stop/
Unnatural horror discovered stop/ Pvt Baker chanced on it, now stricken with vapors stop/ Must be destroyed stop/Send reinforcements stop/Alert Pres Hayes stop/
Sgt Ketchum end
Disgusting, I know, but you can do it. Look closer. Look at it! You give up, quitter? Here's a zoomed in clue:
That makes things a lot easier, eh? As you have probably guess, it's a hamburger. But not just any hamburger - it's the Wendy's Classic Quintuple:
To give you a good size comparison, I had a young urban stereotype stand next to it. His name is Perico and he is average guy height:
As you can see, this sandwich is a good 12 feet tall, 16 feet wide.
This abomination came about as a result of a Wendy's commercial. Who says advertising doesn't work? The commercial showed Wendy's burgers growing and shrinking, mimicking sound level bars on a stereo. J-bone decided to see if they would actually make a burger that big. Why did he do that? Because he's a sick, sick man. They don't actually show a five layer burger in the commercial, but apparently they can make one as big as you'd like. Wendy's might be the reason the world hates America. Their new slogan should be, "We cater to any manner of food-related deathwish." The CDC should list "Living within 2 miles of a Wendy's" as the highest risk factor for colon cancer.
This thing was horrible. As you can see in the pictures, it is glistening with grease. Enough grease to make the best Slip-n-Slide EVER, I'd guess. As a medical student, I wouldn't even recommend you look at this thing, let alone eat it. If you have to look at it, I'd advise that you use your periphal vision to prevent beef-induced blindness. It does have several practical ses, though. You can put it in your yard to prevent vegetarians from congregating. It can also single-handedly put an end to Burning Man. It's also a faster way to butcher cattle: one look and the cow will keel over dead, then fracture into its component meats.
Costing J-Bone the princely sum of $6, this monstrosity weighs in at an impressive 517g, or 1.14 pounds of pure artery-cloggin' goodness. For those of you keeping score at home, here are the facts:
Calories: 1260
Calories from Fat: 700
Grams of fat: 75
Sodium: 1.94 grams
Impressive. Get a meal goin' with fries and a drink and you've got:
Calories: 1890
Calories from Fat: 910
Grams of fat: 99
Sodium: 2.42 grams
I'll admit to being a little disappointed that it didn't crack the 100 grams of fat mark. But otherwise, it's a pretty decent appetizer. It'll be sending business my way in a few years. And maybe some work for Legal Counsel, too, if litigation continues the way it has been. And she decides to visit the bottom of the barrel. Who cares about personal responsibility, right?
Rest assured, nobody ate the mammoth. I'm not even sure if anybody directly touched it. It would probably creep over your whole body like the mirror scene in The Matrix. I can't imagine having this culinary abortion squish between my teeth. Jibbly.
Bonus
Here's the telegraph that would have been sent had this thing been discovered during a routine military expedition to the Arizona Territory, November 1878 (with picture printed in the Tombstone Epitaph):
Gen Asboth stop/
Unnatural horror discovered stop/ Pvt Baker chanced on it, now stricken with vapors stop/ Must be destroyed stop/Send reinforcements stop/Alert Pres Hayes stop/
Sgt Ketchum end
posted by Montgomery at 9:09 PM
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