Huzzah!
Last weekend, I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time. Weird, right? Not the RenFest part - the "first time" part. I try hard to live up to my nerdy potential, but I fall short in so many areas. Penis joke here. The Fest, as we in the biz call it, has been around almost as long as I have and I'm just now getting around to it. RenFest is 18 years old this year which means its old enough to smoke (which is nice, since cancer hadn't been invented in the 16th century) and vote (if democracy existed - meh, the votes would be squandered on electing Christopher Marlowe as Viscount of North Derbyshire anyway. Damn populace being swayed by pop culture. Governator my ass).
That was an awkward british-royalty/historical aside. Let us cleanse the palate with a joke very few people will find funny:
I was dressed in my finest Peasant's Quest Scalding Lake t-shirt in the vain hopes that somebody would acknowledge the H*R/medieval connection. It didn't happen. Upon arrival, we were instantly greeted by a very authentic Renaissance site:
Meat of questionable safety. For whatever reason, there was a free Spam van there. I'd like to imagine that it's due to some kind of brilliant Holy Grail/Monty Python/Spam connection. It's more likely that Hormel figures people who are crazy enough to spend all their money on authentic costumes and accessories are also crazy enough to eat canned meat named as an abbreviation of Shoulder of Pork and Ham (or Spiced Ham, depending on who you ask). Plus, they won't have enough money left to buy real food. Anyway, I was crazy enough to eat it. It was gross. The meat parts were good (how often do I say that?), but the fact that it was roughly 75% tasteless gelatin made me a little sick. But they have awesome commercials nowadays. Yea verily!
We approach the main gate and learn that in Renaissance language "$8 off coupon" actually means "$0 off trickery." Grrr. But like any medieval vendor, they accept Visa and Mastercard. I should mention that everything was listed in British pounds. So a $3 game was listed as £3. Yet when I handed the guy a 5 quid note he looks at me like I'm bleedin' barmy! Well bollocks to that! If ye wisheth for colonial tender, thine sign should reflecteth that fact! Yea verily!
So we get inside and instantly get offered free wine. They sure know how to keep the peasantry happy. I wanted to buy a Lil' Jon style goblet from which to drink, but decided against it. I'm not royalty, after all. So we got our free shot of wine, which would be the last alcohol of the faire. I didn't see mead until we were on our way out, dag nabbit. And as tempting as it is to drive home whilst swilling a flagon of mead, I decided the local constabulary wouldn't appreciate it. Yea verily!
A couple of observations about the festival-goers, especially those in costume. First off, they all tend more towards Henry VIII than Henry VII, if the subtleties of my prose are not lost on such esteemed readers as yourselves. Too many turkey legs and not enough crusading, to put it more bluntly. And second, they all smoke. Probably because of the whole "no cancer in the renaissance" thing mentioned earlier. The Barber General would bleed the tumor out of you with leaches back in those days. Or call you a witch and burn you. Yea verily!
I'd like to take this time to mention my views on the historical acuracy of this celebration. I would totally ignore glaring errors like Bose speakers at the joust or Pepsi™ served in styrofoam cups. I can deal with that. My problem was with more subtle problems. For example, they offered a spiritous beverage called the "Bloody Marie Antoinette." I defy you to find one credible historian who would say Marie Antoinette lived in the renaissance. She lived at least three hundred years later. And at some points I was just a historical jerk, like here:
Same booth, different spellings. I didn't realize "renaissance" was French for "intentional misspelling." You learn something new every day. And aren't Leggs the pantyhose encased in a prolate ellipsoid? Yea verily.
Now that I've brought it up, I'll tell you yes, I did enjoy a turkey leg. For whatever reason, giant roasted turkey legs are a staple of any historical reenactment. You can just buy the leg and go to town. It was delicious, as turkey always is, and it made me feel quite kingly. I picked that sucker dry and threw the bone to my hounds. Although I must admit that eating a leg fresh from the turkey reminded me a little too much of gross anatomy.
Delicious, right? Can you see the striated muscle, tendons, bone and fascia like I did? It was a little disturbing to be able to see where individual muscles started and stopped, just like in lab. It was gross pulling off the skin and connective tissue, just like in lab. But I ate it anyway, just like in lab. And it was uber-tasty, just like in lab. Yea verily.
And what trip to our glorious past would be complete without a trip to the dungeon and torture chamber? They had a little walk through display showing off scenes of the various medieval torture methods. It was disturbing. Some of them even moved and talked, including a scene with a talking rat. It was like a really fucked up Disneyland. My favorite display was this one:
The old crotch saw. Sigh...brings me back to my college years. In case you didn't know (and I really, really hope you don't), hanging the victim upside down slows blood loss and keeps the brain oxygenated for maximal consciousness and pain sensation. Yea jibbly!
In terms of shows, we saw some good ones. Jousting is always fun and never very obviously scripted. Ded Bob is funny. The Dextre Tripp Thrill Show was pretty cool and finally answered the question "were there chainsaws and barbecue lighters in the renaissance?" (the answer is yes). The best show was Arsene Dupin, the French mime. I know, I know - those two words alone are enough for me to attempt murder. But to be fair, I didn't find out he was French until the end. And he was easily the best mime I've ever seen (which isn't saying much - it's like saying "best dental hygiene in England"). He spent most of the time mocking the audience, which was awesome. And he kind of made fun of the actual mime show, which was also cool. Most of the shows were very good, but due to time we only saw about 1/5 of them. Yea verily!
All in all a good day. At the end, we hopped back in my Delorean and headed back to the future. Then we had dinner with Larkitect and Ang (...Anj?), who ended up buying a house while we were there. Food was tasty and Larkitect was nervous. A good end to a good day. Yea verily!
Oh, we also rode an elephant at the festival. And before you ask: no, it wasn't Drock's mom. You guys are so mean...
That was an awkward british-royalty/historical aside. Let us cleanse the palate with a joke very few people will find funny:
How is an elephant like a plum?With that out of the way, let's go back to the past.
They're both purple, except the elephant
I was dressed in my finest Peasant's Quest Scalding Lake t-shirt in the vain hopes that somebody would acknowledge the H*R/medieval connection. It didn't happen. Upon arrival, we were instantly greeted by a very authentic Renaissance site:
Meat of questionable safety. For whatever reason, there was a free Spam van there. I'd like to imagine that it's due to some kind of brilliant Holy Grail/Monty Python/Spam connection. It's more likely that Hormel figures people who are crazy enough to spend all their money on authentic costumes and accessories are also crazy enough to eat canned meat named as an abbreviation of Shoulder of Pork and Ham (or Spiced Ham, depending on who you ask). Plus, they won't have enough money left to buy real food. Anyway, I was crazy enough to eat it. It was gross. The meat parts were good (how often do I say that?), but the fact that it was roughly 75% tasteless gelatin made me a little sick. But they have awesome commercials nowadays. Yea verily!
We approach the main gate and learn that in Renaissance language "$8 off coupon" actually means "$0 off trickery." Grrr. But like any medieval vendor, they accept Visa and Mastercard. I should mention that everything was listed in British pounds. So a $3 game was listed as £3. Yet when I handed the guy a 5 quid note he looks at me like I'm bleedin' barmy! Well bollocks to that! If ye wisheth for colonial tender, thine sign should reflecteth that fact! Yea verily!
So we get inside and instantly get offered free wine. They sure know how to keep the peasantry happy. I wanted to buy a Lil' Jon style goblet from which to drink, but decided against it. I'm not royalty, after all. So we got our free shot of wine, which would be the last alcohol of the faire. I didn't see mead until we were on our way out, dag nabbit. And as tempting as it is to drive home whilst swilling a flagon of mead, I decided the local constabulary wouldn't appreciate it. Yea verily!
A couple of observations about the festival-goers, especially those in costume. First off, they all tend more towards Henry VIII than Henry VII, if the subtleties of my prose are not lost on such esteemed readers as yourselves. Too many turkey legs and not enough crusading, to put it more bluntly. And second, they all smoke. Probably because of the whole "no cancer in the renaissance" thing mentioned earlier. The Barber General would bleed the tumor out of you with leaches back in those days. Or call you a witch and burn you. Yea verily!
I'd like to take this time to mention my views on the historical acuracy of this celebration. I would totally ignore glaring errors like Bose speakers at the joust or Pepsi™ served in styrofoam cups. I can deal with that. My problem was with more subtle problems. For example, they offered a spiritous beverage called the "Bloody Marie Antoinette." I defy you to find one credible historian who would say Marie Antoinette lived in the renaissance. She lived at least three hundred years later. And at some points I was just a historical jerk, like here:
Same booth, different spellings. I didn't realize "renaissance" was French for "intentional misspelling." You learn something new every day. And aren't Leggs the pantyhose encased in a prolate ellipsoid? Yea verily.
Now that I've brought it up, I'll tell you yes, I did enjoy a turkey leg. For whatever reason, giant roasted turkey legs are a staple of any historical reenactment. You can just buy the leg and go to town. It was delicious, as turkey always is, and it made me feel quite kingly. I picked that sucker dry and threw the bone to my hounds. Although I must admit that eating a leg fresh from the turkey reminded me a little too much of gross anatomy.
Delicious, right? Can you see the striated muscle, tendons, bone and fascia like I did? It was a little disturbing to be able to see where individual muscles started and stopped, just like in lab. It was gross pulling off the skin and connective tissue, just like in lab. But I ate it anyway, just like in lab. And it was uber-tasty, just like in lab. Yea verily.
And what trip to our glorious past would be complete without a trip to the dungeon and torture chamber? They had a little walk through display showing off scenes of the various medieval torture methods. It was disturbing. Some of them even moved and talked, including a scene with a talking rat. It was like a really fucked up Disneyland. My favorite display was this one:
The old crotch saw. Sigh...brings me back to my college years. In case you didn't know (and I really, really hope you don't), hanging the victim upside down slows blood loss and keeps the brain oxygenated for maximal consciousness and pain sensation. Yea jibbly!
In terms of shows, we saw some good ones. Jousting is always fun and never very obviously scripted. Ded Bob is funny. The Dextre Tripp Thrill Show was pretty cool and finally answered the question "were there chainsaws and barbecue lighters in the renaissance?" (the answer is yes). The best show was Arsene Dupin, the French mime. I know, I know - those two words alone are enough for me to attempt murder. But to be fair, I didn't find out he was French until the end. And he was easily the best mime I've ever seen (which isn't saying much - it's like saying "best dental hygiene in England"). He spent most of the time mocking the audience, which was awesome. And he kind of made fun of the actual mime show, which was also cool. Most of the shows were very good, but due to time we only saw about 1/5 of them. Yea verily!
All in all a good day. At the end, we hopped back in my Delorean and headed back to the future. Then we had dinner with Larkitect and Ang (...Anj?), who ended up buying a house while we were there. Food was tasty and Larkitect was nervous. A good end to a good day. Yea verily!
Oh, we also rode an elephant at the festival. And before you ask: no, it wasn't Drock's mom. You guys are so mean...
posted by Montgomery at 5:29 PM
3 Comments:
I hear you can ride Drock's mom for tuppence at the RenFair.
I heard they wouldn't even let Monty's Mom into the RenFair because she had comsumption. By that I mean she had sex with all the minstrals and consumed them...whole.
Also, I'm expecting some kind of amusing April Fools' Day blog entry. If I don't get it...let just say YOU'LL get the consumption.
I always heard SPAM stood for "Specially Processed Assorted Meats" - though looking back on it, I'm sure that's not what the corporates over at SPAM headquarters would want in their marketing brochure... so probably not the most accurate... or is it??
Just thought I'd share that with you - and by the way, I spell it Ange (I think that makes sense, like the end of or-ange?)
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