Beneath Heaven lies Hell, beneath Hell lies...
When Legal Counsel and I were in Mazatlan, we took a van tour of the city. It was Legal Counsel's idea and it turned out really well. Our driver was named Jesus Rodriguez, aka Washington. He suggested we call him Washington because asking for Jesus will get you 40,000 people. He was nicknamed Washington because he moved there from Chicago and they already had a guy called Chicago. Awesome. Nickname shenanigans like that make me want to move to Mexico. The water makes me want to move back.
We got driven around and we were shown all the good stuff. Caca rock, cliff divers, Pacifico factory, broken glass protective layers around houses, fancy shopping areas, not so fancy shopping areas, straight up scary markets, old churches. Tons of sites. One of my favorite sights was the following:
Cueva del Diablo, aka The Devil's Cave. Cue thunder bolts and lightning. Very, very frightening. After many years, however, it has taken on a new name: Dablo. Not quite so scary. But it still has a scary devil face...which looks surprisingly similar to my tattoo. Which is very near my Devil's Cave.
According to Washington, it used to be a storage site for ice. The government (or somebody) cut a hole in the mountain since it's colder in there. Once Mazatlan started using freezers and other refrigerating devices (mid 1980s I believe), the cave was no longer needed, like France, so they just forgot about it. Unfortunately, some young hooligans started hanging out in there doing unsavory things like committing tax fraud or playing really intense gaves of Dungeons & Dragons. So the gub-mint, knowing 80% of the peeps are superstitious Catholics, threw up the gate and named it "The Devil's Cave" to keep people out. I'm surprised that actually works. If I ever need to park my car in Mexico, I'll leave all my valuables in "The Devil's Glovebox." They should be safe there.
Well, that's Washington's story anyway. I think the truth involves a lot less "ice storage" and a lot more "mutation-inducing bacteria." I guess we'll never know. What we do know, however, is that when I first saw Dablo I thought it was a really kickass nightclub or disco. When I learned it was just a stupid ice cave, I must admit that I was a little disappointed. But I quickly realized that it means I can create the nightclub. Sweet!
I've been planning it in my head ever since. The basics: we'd have to enlarge and clean up the cave, as well as getting electricity and plumbing installed...unless we just build bathrooms outside. We'd keep the name "Cueva del Diablo" but I'm not sure if we'd fix up the sign. It would be more elite and underground (no pun intended) if it doesn't actually look like a club.
The recurring color scheme would be red and black, obviously. The male employees would wear black slacks, black shirts and red ties...maybe red shirts and black ties. Female employees would wear red skirts and black shirts (maybe vice versa). The lights could be red, unless it makes my eyeballs bleed or makes the place look like a brothel. Actually, the brothel idea might draw more business. But the wrong kind. No brothels, dahling.
Of course the place would have signature drinks. At least two - "The Devil" and "The Cave." They'd be martinis, even though drinking a gin martini on the cruise made me think I was drinking paint thinner. I just think they look cool. "The Devil" would be a highly alcohol drink (red in color) that wouldn't taste at all like alcohol. It would get you messed up without your knowledge. "The greatest trick The Devil ever played was convincing the world it wasn't alcoholic." "The Cave" would be a black martini, since I've never seen one. I don't know how we'd make it black...maybe a shot of Jagermeister or prune juice. I don't know which of those two ideas sounds more disgusting. It would be dangerously alcoholic.
Cueva del Diablo might have some gimmics, if we decided to cater more to the wilder college croud. If you can chug "The Cave" you might get a button reading "I swallowed The Cave" or "I was swallowed by The Cave" if you vomit. We'd have a house lawyer on site at all times, who we'd call The Devil (sorry, Scoobies). We'd make students sign waivers before entering. That's fun and practical. Finally, we could have our own distillery in the cave. The last step would result in the alcohol condensing on a stalactite, which would slowly drip into shot glasses. We'd give them away as they fill up (we'd bottle it during the off hours, of course).
Those are most of my ideas. I hope nobody steals them. Now I just need financing. Anybody interested?
Professor Look-a-Like Update
Wayne Morgan/Newt Gingrich also looks like Rip Taylor
We got driven around and we were shown all the good stuff. Caca rock, cliff divers, Pacifico factory, broken glass protective layers around houses, fancy shopping areas, not so fancy shopping areas, straight up scary markets, old churches. Tons of sites. One of my favorite sights was the following:
Cueva del Diablo, aka The Devil's Cave. Cue thunder bolts and lightning. Very, very frightening. After many years, however, it has taken on a new name: Dablo. Not quite so scary. But it still has a scary devil face...which looks surprisingly similar to my tattoo. Which is very near my Devil's Cave.
According to Washington, it used to be a storage site for ice. The government (or somebody) cut a hole in the mountain since it's colder in there. Once Mazatlan started using freezers and other refrigerating devices (mid 1980s I believe), the cave was no longer needed, like France, so they just forgot about it. Unfortunately, some young hooligans started hanging out in there doing unsavory things like committing tax fraud or playing really intense gaves of Dungeons & Dragons. So the gub-mint, knowing 80% of the peeps are superstitious Catholics, threw up the gate and named it "The Devil's Cave" to keep people out. I'm surprised that actually works. If I ever need to park my car in Mexico, I'll leave all my valuables in "The Devil's Glovebox." They should be safe there.
Well, that's Washington's story anyway. I think the truth involves a lot less "ice storage" and a lot more "mutation-inducing bacteria." I guess we'll never know. What we do know, however, is that when I first saw Dablo I thought it was a really kickass nightclub or disco. When I learned it was just a stupid ice cave, I must admit that I was a little disappointed. But I quickly realized that it means I can create the nightclub. Sweet!
I've been planning it in my head ever since. The basics: we'd have to enlarge and clean up the cave, as well as getting electricity and plumbing installed...unless we just build bathrooms outside. We'd keep the name "Cueva del Diablo" but I'm not sure if we'd fix up the sign. It would be more elite and underground (no pun intended) if it doesn't actually look like a club.
The recurring color scheme would be red and black, obviously. The male employees would wear black slacks, black shirts and red ties...maybe red shirts and black ties. Female employees would wear red skirts and black shirts (maybe vice versa). The lights could be red, unless it makes my eyeballs bleed or makes the place look like a brothel. Actually, the brothel idea might draw more business. But the wrong kind. No brothels, dahling.
Of course the place would have signature drinks. At least two - "The Devil" and "The Cave." They'd be martinis, even though drinking a gin martini on the cruise made me think I was drinking paint thinner. I just think they look cool. "The Devil" would be a highly alcohol drink (red in color) that wouldn't taste at all like alcohol. It would get you messed up without your knowledge. "The greatest trick The Devil ever played was convincing the world it wasn't alcoholic." "The Cave" would be a black martini, since I've never seen one. I don't know how we'd make it black...maybe a shot of Jagermeister or prune juice. I don't know which of those two ideas sounds more disgusting. It would be dangerously alcoholic.
Cueva del Diablo might have some gimmics, if we decided to cater more to the wilder college croud. If you can chug "The Cave" you might get a button reading "I swallowed The Cave" or "I was swallowed by The Cave" if you vomit. We'd have a house lawyer on site at all times, who we'd call The Devil (sorry, Scoobies). We'd make students sign waivers before entering. That's fun and practical. Finally, we could have our own distillery in the cave. The last step would result in the alcohol condensing on a stalactite, which would slowly drip into shot glasses. We'd give them away as they fill up (we'd bottle it during the off hours, of course).
Those are most of my ideas. I hope nobody steals them. Now I just need financing. Anybody interested?
Professor Look-a-Like Update
Wayne Morgan/Newt Gingrich also looks like Rip Taylor
posted by Montgomery at 8:01 AM
2 Comments:
Mexico would've been cooler if you still had a beard. Its all the rage these days, says the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/23/fashion/thursdaystyles/23BEARDS.html
Glad you and the gentlelady made it out of Mexico alive and without kidnapping. I should say, without you being kidnapped. Can't vouch that you weren't the ones doing the kidnapping.
Damn you blogger, ruining my beautiful links. Here's the New York times article: Right here, beardo.
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