Flavor Saver

Well, here it is in all its 2-and-a-half week old glory:
(that's also me doing my best to make the face of a guy with a moustache)

I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone...come see how good I look!

But no matter how good it looked, it had to go. Not because it scares away the ladies, as the Queen Bitch* of our class felt like stating. I've already got a lady, and she's been scared for almost 21 months. Not because it saves liquids and small bits of food. I consider that a perk. And not because of the 3+ hours of combing I'd put in each night. I'm willing to sacrifice for fashion.

No, the real reason I had to take a blade to it is because moustaches are creepy. Damn creepy. You could toss a whisker broom on the nicest guy on earth and nobody would trust him. A moustachioed Mr. Rogers would have been viewed as a pedophile. The FCC would have thrown a black bar on his upper lip.

And look at the people viewed as the pinnacles of all things good - none of them have moustaches. Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa...no wait, bad examples. But you know what I'm saying. Moustaches are endangered for a reason.

Here's a story to illustrate:

I was waiting in line at Chipotle, minding my own moustached bidniss when I looked down and saw a tiny, tiny person. She was probably 2 years old. She was twirling and dancing and having a good time, so I smiled. Then her mom turned around and saw me. Now she didn't say anything or make a face, but I could tell she was thinking unpleasant thoughts. She didn't trust the furry-lipped gentleman smiling at her child**. It was awkward.

Then when my burrito was almost done the server spit in it, wrapped it up, and said, "Enjoy your burrito, pervert." I did enjoy it. Every last bite. Delicious.

So as you can see, there is some serious moustache hatred going on. And it's probably because of the combined efforts of Hitler and 80s porn stars. In my mind the two should balance each other out, but the rest of the world sees differently. C'est la vie. So that's why I had to shave it.

There is one exception to the "moustaches = creepy" postulate. Namely, The Walrus (see Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Friedrich Nietzsche, Wilford Brimley, and The Lorax). Those things kick ass. But they take some serious time and commitment. Time and commitment I don't have. The pediatric clinic is not a good place for a moustache to go through its larval and pupal stages...


*note: not the David Bowie kind of queen bitch, which might be either a transvestite or a prostitute (I'm not sure). Although I can neither confirm nor deny either of those allegations. And if anybody feels like making "Queen Bitch" her nickname, I won't charge royalties. You all know who I'm talking about.
**the fact that I imagined her anti-moustache thoughts probably indicates my own anti-moustache bias.

EDIT
Legal Counsel wanted me to include this picture:

If you grow a moustache, this is how people will see you. No matter how handsome and smooth you are (which will obviously be nowhere near as handsome and smooth as myself), you will look like a wild-eyed psycho. Just a heads up.