News from the Front
I feel like I've been spending lots of time with my preceptor at the pediatric clinic. I haven't actually been spending that much time, I just feel like it. Here are some random Observations and Anecdotes (which happens to be the name of my forthcoming spoken word album):
The lighting in exam rooms casts shadows across the foreheads of kids with spiky hair. I believed the kids were using really runny hair dye no less than three times yesterday. And twice I believed their heads were melting (Belloq's Syndrome). They weren't actually melting.
The healthiest people are aged 14-16. We get lots of patients from 0-13 years, and quite a few at 17 years. But none at 14-16. Maybe it's just not cool to hang out with the pediatrician. 6 year olds are possibly the most sick.
I saw a 6 year old pulling a tiny little oxygen tank and my first thought was, "That's adorable." But that thought quickly disappeared when the reality of the situation hit me, and I started crying.
I've learned to yawn through my nose. It feels weird.
We saw a girl who was so tall she was literally off the charts. We tried to mark her height in her file and the little dot was in the Name/DOB/Info section of the chart. I'm wiriting a screenplay about her now - "Attack of the 5'8'' Girl"
The slow process of losing cuteness begins when kids start to talk. They're still cute for quite some time after that, but the peak occurs right before speach. Which is why I recommend we de-bark children. They'll stay cuter, longer.
Parents are obsessed with their children's poo. So many complaints are about the consistency/frequency of poop, it boggles the mind. I feel like they just wait for poop to happen so they can look at and analyze it. When I become a parent, will I spend my days staring at my child's butt chanting, "Come on...come on..."? And you can ask the parent of any child up to the age of about 5 and they'll know everything about the kids bowel movements without even having to stop and think. Sure poop is funny, but come on.
Speaking of poop, there was a different 6 year old with constipation. The docs wanted to give him a rectal to see if there was a hard chunk of poo blocking the fecal stream. My first thought was, "Awesome, I've never seen a rectal." My second thought was, "What the hell is wrong with me?" But it didn't matter - the kid raised holy hell. And can you blame him? They went with x-ray instead.
Kids these days...I tell ya.
Chubby babies look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But I already knew that.
The pediatric clinic is not the right place for "that's what she said" jokes. The kids don't get it, the parents don't appreciate it, the doctors don't approve it and the nurses...well, my lawyer says I can't talk about them until the trial is over.
Also, tossing a hand up for a High Five and shouting "Hit me up top" usually frightens the children more than it amuses them.
Babies are our nations largest untapped resource. I wonder how many miles/infant my car would get. It's a modest proposal. If you drive a Hummer you probably just thought, "I like the way this guy thinks."
I'll try to think of more good stories, these are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Virology is making my brain freeze itself so it can unthaw fresh and rested in several hours.
The lighting in exam rooms casts shadows across the foreheads of kids with spiky hair. I believed the kids were using really runny hair dye no less than three times yesterday. And twice I believed their heads were melting (Belloq's Syndrome). They weren't actually melting.
The healthiest people are aged 14-16. We get lots of patients from 0-13 years, and quite a few at 17 years. But none at 14-16. Maybe it's just not cool to hang out with the pediatrician. 6 year olds are possibly the most sick.
I saw a 6 year old pulling a tiny little oxygen tank and my first thought was, "That's adorable." But that thought quickly disappeared when the reality of the situation hit me, and I started crying.
I've learned to yawn through my nose. It feels weird.
We saw a girl who was so tall she was literally off the charts. We tried to mark her height in her file and the little dot was in the Name/DOB/Info section of the chart. I'm wiriting a screenplay about her now - "Attack of the 5'8'' Girl"
The slow process of losing cuteness begins when kids start to talk. They're still cute for quite some time after that, but the peak occurs right before speach. Which is why I recommend we de-bark children. They'll stay cuter, longer.
Parents are obsessed with their children's poo. So many complaints are about the consistency/frequency of poop, it boggles the mind. I feel like they just wait for poop to happen so they can look at and analyze it. When I become a parent, will I spend my days staring at my child's butt chanting, "Come on...come on..."? And you can ask the parent of any child up to the age of about 5 and they'll know everything about the kids bowel movements without even having to stop and think. Sure poop is funny, but come on.
Speaking of poop, there was a different 6 year old with constipation. The docs wanted to give him a rectal to see if there was a hard chunk of poo blocking the fecal stream. My first thought was, "Awesome, I've never seen a rectal." My second thought was, "What the hell is wrong with me?" But it didn't matter - the kid raised holy hell. And can you blame him? They went with x-ray instead.
Kids these days...I tell ya.
Chubby babies look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But I already knew that.
The pediatric clinic is not the right place for "that's what she said" jokes. The kids don't get it, the parents don't appreciate it, the doctors don't approve it and the nurses...well, my lawyer says I can't talk about them until the trial is over.
Also, tossing a hand up for a High Five and shouting "Hit me up top" usually frightens the children more than it amuses them.
Babies are our nations largest untapped resource. I wonder how many miles/infant my car would get. It's a modest proposal. If you drive a Hummer you probably just thought, "I like the way this guy thinks."
I'll try to think of more good stories, these are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Virology is making my brain freeze itself so it can unthaw fresh and rested in several hours.
posted by Montgomery at 9:08 AM
3 Comments:
This is one of your most excellent posts. I agree with all of your comments, I think children and babies in many ways are a lareger problem in the world than global warming, babies especially. I think that we should begin to look at other ways to utilize babies. One thing we could do with babies is to turn their skin into coats. You always here the phrase "As soft as a baby's bottom." Could you imagine a coat made of baby skin, it would be lovely. I think we could first start by taking babies from orphanages to begin the trend and give a couple to Paris Hilton. Hollywood is already beginning to collect babies, look at Madonna and her baby she adopted from Malwai. She is totally copying Brad and Angelina. Foreign babies are totally becoming the next Louis Vuitton Hollywood accessory. What would go great with a foreign baby than a nice baby skin coat. Hospitals can reposses babies when parents don't pay their bills and use those babies for skin coats if they are first not adopted. We can give them a probationary period of 30 days or something. This could save healthcare with all the coat revenue coming in. Its genious pure genious.
Oh God, won't someone think of the children
Excellent reference! There are many unwanted children, and many hungry homeless. You do the math.
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