Das Boot!
After midterms were over, Larkitect and Orang came to town for some good-natured hijinks and shenanigans. Legal Counsel and I played host, which left us with the unfortunate task of coming up with something to do. Coming up with something to do on your own is always easy, but coming up with something to do with others is always difficult. Don't ask me why, it's science.
After much mulling and discussion we consulted the all-powerful entity known as The Internets. The Internets told us about the goings on in Tucson and our decision was made for us. We were going to Octoberfest! I'm sorry...Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest was being held at a baseball field in Reid Park. It was also being held in September†. And it was being run by a children's charity. Those lost two facts should have been warning enough that we would not be getting what we expected, but we marched onward full of piss and vinegar. At least that's what I hope it is.
What we witnessed was not Oktoberfest. It could barely be considered any kind of fest, except maybe a festering pustule on the face of Germany's proud history of socially accepted alcoholism. If an event of this caliber took place in Poland during late August 1939, a lot of things would be explained.
Maybe I'm exaggerating. I'll just say it was like going to a fair. A county fair. The La Paz county fair. Jibbly. It was a see of booths selling crap, horribly unhealthy food and kitschy entertainment. I had fun, but only in the ironic way.
The Craft Booths
The vast majority of space was taken up by booths selling little crafts. Here's a quick list of things you can purchase at Octoberfest:
Topless sandals are like regular sandals except instead of having straps on top they are coated in adhesive on top which sticks to your foot. It's so brilliant I don't know why they haven't become mainstream already. Oh wait, yes I do. It's probably because they combine the joy of having unbelievably filthy feet and shoes with the thrill of stepping in gum barefoot. You'd have to wash them after every wearing and the glue would disappear within days. At least you could stick them to your car and pretend to be a member of the Foot Clan...
The marshmellow shooter was...well, it was a marshmellow shooter. It was a couple PVC pipes stuck togther used as a blowgun for marshmellows. It was simple and dumb, yet strangely charming. Some lady was going nuts for them. We laughed and wrote it off as some crazy guy's crazy idea. Then we saw them in at least 2-3 other booths. It was like a trend that only Legal Counsel, Larkitect, Orang and myself were unaware of. It's the hillbilly equivalent of Ugg boots, track suits, giant sunglasses or tiny dogs. I wanted one but LC said no, which is probably wise. She'd leave for class and come back to find our walls coated in marshmellows.
The Enterteinment
All we saw were high school bands and clogging. Riveting, eh? It let me learn that "clogging" is just the fancy-pants name for "tap-dancing." There were no wooden shoes...not one! I was very disappointed.
All the cloggers were eligible for AARP membership. And tried to come up with a reason why, and I formulated a theory. Retirement homes make their residents where tap shoes so they know when the old folks are wandering off, and the oldies just made the best of the situation. That's really the only explanation.
They tapped to a song which they claimed southerners refer to as "The National Anthem." It wasn't the national anthem. But I wasn't surprised that Southerners would say that.
Better than the "official" entertainment was our unofficial game: Mullet Hunting. It was a little too easy, actually.
The Food
Hurck....sorry, just threw up a bit at the memory.
They had the typical food: hot dogs, burgers, E. Coli, donuts. Speaking of donuts, we stood there staring at the donut machine for a little too long. At one point I said that the machine was pooping out donuts, and a woman nearby proceeded to repeat "pooping" to her child roughly eight times. It was bizarre.
They didn't really have German food, except maybe some Brats. They did have Irish food, which I have to assume is only because of the Alcohol->Irish connection. Damn stereotyping children's charity. Anyway, there was a booth that had Corned Beef. I was about to make a comment on the box at said booth with the words "Moist & Meaty" emblazoned on the front (I was probably going to make a comparison to my genitalia), when I noticed the label on the box. Purina. There was a box of dog food at the corned beef booth. Disgusting. Why would you do that? It is the absolute worst booth to have a dog food container. But apparently people don't care, since they were still eating it. Sick.
The only thing left to describe was the beer. Or lack thereof. They had maybe 3 kinds of beer. For Oktoberfest, that's pretty bad. Hell, that's really bad for a backyard barbeque. In Utah.
All in all, it was amusing but not for their intended reasons. Greasy food, greasy people, greasy crafts...it was just breathtaking to observe. We ended up leaving without drinking a single beer, which is pathetic. But at least we were able to reinforce Larkitect and Orang's pre-conceived notions of what Tucson is like. I just wished I had brought a camera.
Oh, and it was roughly 107º.
†I realize the actual Oktoberfest takes place in September but just roll with it, will ya?
After much mulling and discussion we consulted the all-powerful entity known as The Internets. The Internets told us about the goings on in Tucson and our decision was made for us. We were going to Octoberfest! I'm sorry...Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest was being held at a baseball field in Reid Park. It was also being held in September†. And it was being run by a children's charity. Those lost two facts should have been warning enough that we would not be getting what we expected, but we marched onward full of piss and vinegar. At least that's what I hope it is.
What we witnessed was not Oktoberfest. It could barely be considered any kind of fest, except maybe a festering pustule on the face of Germany's proud history of socially accepted alcoholism. If an event of this caliber took place in Poland during late August 1939, a lot of things would be explained.
Maybe I'm exaggerating. I'll just say it was like going to a fair. A county fair. The La Paz county fair. Jibbly. It was a see of booths selling crap, horribly unhealthy food and kitschy entertainment. I had fun, but only in the ironic way.
The Craft Booths
The vast majority of space was taken up by booths selling little crafts. Here's a quick list of things you can purchase at Octoberfest:
- Jars of colored sand
- Inflatable toys
- Various copyright infringed items
- Home-made barbeque sauce (actually tasty)
- Wind chimes
- Marijuana
- Belts
- A sense of superiority over the general population of Arizona
Topless sandals are like regular sandals except instead of having straps on top they are coated in adhesive on top which sticks to your foot. It's so brilliant I don't know why they haven't become mainstream already. Oh wait, yes I do. It's probably because they combine the joy of having unbelievably filthy feet and shoes with the thrill of stepping in gum barefoot. You'd have to wash them after every wearing and the glue would disappear within days. At least you could stick them to your car and pretend to be a member of the Foot Clan...
The marshmellow shooter was...well, it was a marshmellow shooter. It was a couple PVC pipes stuck togther used as a blowgun for marshmellows. It was simple and dumb, yet strangely charming. Some lady was going nuts for them. We laughed and wrote it off as some crazy guy's crazy idea. Then we saw them in at least 2-3 other booths. It was like a trend that only Legal Counsel, Larkitect, Orang and myself were unaware of. It's the hillbilly equivalent of Ugg boots, track suits, giant sunglasses or tiny dogs. I wanted one but LC said no, which is probably wise. She'd leave for class and come back to find our walls coated in marshmellows.
The Enterteinment
All we saw were high school bands and clogging. Riveting, eh? It let me learn that "clogging" is just the fancy-pants name for "tap-dancing." There were no wooden shoes...not one! I was very disappointed.
All the cloggers were eligible for AARP membership. And tried to come up with a reason why, and I formulated a theory. Retirement homes make their residents where tap shoes so they know when the old folks are wandering off, and the oldies just made the best of the situation. That's really the only explanation.
They tapped to a song which they claimed southerners refer to as "The National Anthem." It wasn't the national anthem. But I wasn't surprised that Southerners would say that.
Better than the "official" entertainment was our unofficial game: Mullet Hunting. It was a little too easy, actually.
The Food
Hurck....sorry, just threw up a bit at the memory.
They had the typical food: hot dogs, burgers, E. Coli, donuts. Speaking of donuts, we stood there staring at the donut machine for a little too long. At one point I said that the machine was pooping out donuts, and a woman nearby proceeded to repeat "pooping" to her child roughly eight times. It was bizarre.
They didn't really have German food, except maybe some Brats. They did have Irish food, which I have to assume is only because of the Alcohol->Irish connection. Damn stereotyping children's charity. Anyway, there was a booth that had Corned Beef. I was about to make a comment on the box at said booth with the words "Moist & Meaty" emblazoned on the front (I was probably going to make a comparison to my genitalia), when I noticed the label on the box. Purina. There was a box of dog food at the corned beef booth. Disgusting. Why would you do that? It is the absolute worst booth to have a dog food container. But apparently people don't care, since they were still eating it. Sick.
The only thing left to describe was the beer. Or lack thereof. They had maybe 3 kinds of beer. For Oktoberfest, that's pretty bad. Hell, that's really bad for a backyard barbeque. In Utah.
All in all, it was amusing but not for their intended reasons. Greasy food, greasy people, greasy crafts...it was just breathtaking to observe. We ended up leaving without drinking a single beer, which is pathetic. But at least we were able to reinforce Larkitect and Orang's pre-conceived notions of what Tucson is like. I just wished I had brought a camera.
Oh, and it was roughly 107º.
†I realize the actual Oktoberfest takes place in September but just roll with it, will ya?
posted by Montgomery at 8:39 AM
2 Comments:
You forgot to mention the million tweaked out moths roaming the place. Terrifying little buggers.
See, this is the problem... when you attend events that hint at some form of culturalism.
What you need to do is attend an event that makes no pretenses of being anything more than what it really is... debauchery.
That is why God invented Beerfest. The Great Tucson Beerfest to be exact. This Saturday. Be there or be square. And, the proceeds go to charity!
It's like my whole life, I've been searching for a purpose...
Anyways, here is the site, or you can just click on my name. We'll be there, celebrating Adam's birthday!
http://www.azbeer.com/Tucson.htm
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