3 mini-posts, all rolled into one
I don't know why she's still with me, either
Legal Counsel is a lot of things: beautiful, brilliant, funny, perfect. But most of all, she's patient. Why patient? Because she puts up with my asinine and usually offensive ramblings without leaving and/or murdering me. Here's a snippet of conversation from last night:
Car Trouble
I was driving downtown to meet LC for lunch and I had a couple interesting driving experiences. When I was driving on Glenn nearing the entrance to the Albertson's parking lot, I saw an old guy (who I'll call "Jasper") standing at said entrance directing traffic. (I feel it necessary to point out that he was wearing a fanny pack, which gives him some serious street cred and authority) There was no need for the traffic control, he was just doing it. Some car was waiting to make a left turn into the parking lot, so Jasper waved him in. And the car actually did it! Right in front of the oncoming traffic! The truck in front of me driving straight had to slam his brakes to avoid a collision. Apparently Jasper forgot to signal our lane.
After the left turner got into the lot, Jasper then signaled us to stop for no apparent reason. And the truck listened! It was surreal. The closer I got, the more I realized he had no uniform or badge or anything to make him an official. He was just some crazy guy standing on the sidewalk, directing traffic. I don't know who was more bizarre: Jasper directing traffic or the drivers who listened.
Then when I was closer to downtown I saw some beat-to-hell red car making a right turn on northbound Stone. As he turned, his driver's side door swung wide open. At first I thought he did it on purpose (more crazy people), but when he accelerated it slammed closed, then bounced open a little again. It was a non-functioning, purely decorative door. Awesome. Awesome to the max. You should buy some bungee cord, guy.
I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
I watch Project Runway. I'm proud to admit that. The show is awesome. I'm less proud to admit that I secretly want to be a fashion designer. Having no sense of fashion makes that dream difficult.
Anyway, I was watching the reunion show last night and I made a connection.
Michael Kors, the designer-bashing, ugly-shoe designing Michael Kors, looks, speaks and acts exactly like Roger the Alien from American Dad!.
Who was in fact based on Paul Lynde.
Christ Almighty, I've never seen anything as terrifying as that giant-ass picture of Paul Lynde. Don't click that picture. Move aside, vampire gazelles*, my nightmares have a new recurring character. Jibbly.
Anyway, those three "people" are actually one and the same. If you're a fan of Project Runway, American Dad and/or drug-abusing 60s/70s TV personalities you should check it out. If you're not a fan of any of those things then you can burn in hell for all eternity.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, baby. You just make me so crazy some times.
*Think about it: enhance a gazelle's natural strength and speed with vampirism then add the fangs and and humanity is doomed. There's no way you're going to outrun that. And it's got horns! Horns! This assumes that they bite humans rather than other gazelles, of course.
Legal Counsel is a lot of things: beautiful, brilliant, funny, perfect. But most of all, she's patient. Why patient? Because she puts up with my asinine and usually offensive ramblings without leaving and/or murdering me. Here's a snippet of conversation from last night:
Montgomery: No no, I think you misunderstand. I refer to my general under-the-pants area as "Chinatown." I refer to my penis specifically as "The General." Which, I suppose, makes him General Tso. That explains why he's so delicious...Obviously in this context "conversation" means "Montgomery talking without letting Legal Counsel get a word in edgewise while she suppresses the urge to strangle him." I love you, Legal Counsel!
Car Trouble
I was driving downtown to meet LC for lunch and I had a couple interesting driving experiences. When I was driving on Glenn nearing the entrance to the Albertson's parking lot, I saw an old guy (who I'll call "Jasper") standing at said entrance directing traffic. (I feel it necessary to point out that he was wearing a fanny pack, which gives him some serious street cred and authority) There was no need for the traffic control, he was just doing it. Some car was waiting to make a left turn into the parking lot, so Jasper waved him in. And the car actually did it! Right in front of the oncoming traffic! The truck in front of me driving straight had to slam his brakes to avoid a collision. Apparently Jasper forgot to signal our lane.
After the left turner got into the lot, Jasper then signaled us to stop for no apparent reason. And the truck listened! It was surreal. The closer I got, the more I realized he had no uniform or badge or anything to make him an official. He was just some crazy guy standing on the sidewalk, directing traffic. I don't know who was more bizarre: Jasper directing traffic or the drivers who listened.
Then when I was closer to downtown I saw some beat-to-hell red car making a right turn on northbound Stone. As he turned, his driver's side door swung wide open. At first I thought he did it on purpose (more crazy people), but when he accelerated it slammed closed, then bounced open a little again. It was a non-functioning, purely decorative door. Awesome. Awesome to the max. You should buy some bungee cord, guy.
I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
I watch Project Runway. I'm proud to admit that. The show is awesome. I'm less proud to admit that I secretly want to be a fashion designer. Having no sense of fashion makes that dream difficult.
Anyway, I was watching the reunion show last night and I made a connection.
Michael Kors, the designer-bashing, ugly-shoe designing Michael Kors, looks, speaks and acts exactly like Roger the Alien from American Dad!.
Who was in fact based on Paul Lynde.
Christ Almighty, I've never seen anything as terrifying as that giant-ass picture of Paul Lynde. Don't click that picture. Move aside, vampire gazelles*, my nightmares have a new recurring character. Jibbly.
Anyway, those three "people" are actually one and the same. If you're a fan of Project Runway, American Dad and/or drug-abusing 60s/70s TV personalities you should check it out. If you're not a fan of any of those things then you can burn in hell for all eternity.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, baby. You just make me so crazy some times.
*Think about it: enhance a gazelle's natural strength and speed with vampirism then add the fangs and and humanity is doomed. There's no way you're going to outrun that. And it's got horns! Horns! This assumes that they bite humans rather than other gazelles, of course.
posted by Montgomery at 3:36 PM
3 Comments:
Now your gonna touch Project Runway after messin with my Cynthia Nixon. Good Lord. I get the Michael Kors American Dad lookalike but Paul Lynde come on. And Michael Kors is not annoying or a bad designer. Obviously you don't want to be a fashion designer cuz you just dissed Michael Kors on a blog and if you watched the reunion show you know that Michael Kors and Project Runway people reads blogs. You are right that Project Runway is awesome, but SO is Michael Kors (as well as Nina Garcia and the way Heidi says Nina Garcia). So yeah diss beotch.
Janet '06
I guess it makes sense you call your nether region Chinatown, as Chinatown is a related to the country of China. Let me explain using the power of SAT analogy:
Monty's nethers:Chinatown::Monty's Mom's nethers:China
The reason I make this analogy is both because Monty's Mom's nethers are the size of China, and also, beacuse she's had a number of men equal to the population on China in her under-the-pants area...this week.
This seems up your alley....
Zombie Discussion at Washington Post
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