Y tu mama tambien

A few weeks back I was flipping through the channels, trying to find something good. What I did find was a little gem on MTV entitled "Your Mother." I'm sorry, that should read "Yo Momma." What I initially assumed to be a wonderful tongue-in-cheek look at the world of genealogy turned out to be an insult contest. From Wikipedia:

Yo Momma is an American reality television game show created, executive produced and hosted by Wilmer Valderrama...based on "the dozens"

The dozens, eh? Tell me more, Wikipedia:

The dozens is an African American oral tradition in which two people go head to head in a contest of often good-natured, ribald "trash-talk". They take turns insulting; "burning," "cracking," "heating," "ranking," "sparking," "sunning," "janking," "snapping," "checking," "riding," or even "projectoring" — on one another, their adversary's mother, or other family member until one of them has no comeback.

I have to admire the excess use of synonyms and quotes, as well as the use of the term "ribald." But on the other hand, having the words "Wilmer" and "Valderrama" are the first two strikes against this show.

I tried watching it and it was essentially unbearable, mostly because of the uninspired janks. One gentleman said that the other gentleman's mother had two pots on her shoulders, so she flips like this (he proceeds to do a half-assed cartwheel). It didn't make any sense, but fortunately the other lads boo'd him...though they might have been saying Boo-urns.

Some were a little better. One fellow made light of a woman's† obvious poverty by stating that her shoe, which had come apart at the front making it look like a duck bill, was about to say "Aflac." And some were just clever. Why, one gent actually murdered another! Brilliant! Ultimate projectoring!

Do you see how ridiculous the jokes are when written in plain English? It's all in the presentation, which these yutes were severely lacking. I had to turn it off after one round. 80% of the jokes could be classified as either old or stupid, 5% were chuckle-worthy, and 15% were straight-up racist. The whole time, I just kept thinking that I could do better*. So here I go:

Actually, before I start let me just say I'll do my best to make the insults general rather than directed at one specific person. Mostly because they would all be aimed at D-Rock's promiscuous, overweight, uneducated, unwashed mother. It's just too easy. A better show might be placing these guys in front of D-Rock's momma and seeing who can resist ranking her the longest. Anyway, here I go:

Your mother's hygiene is so bad, she smells like Belgian cheese.

Your mother is so ugly that her face inspired episode 62 of Star Trek: The Orginal Series - "Is There In Truth No Beauty?"

Your mother is so unpleasant to be around that even the French refer to her as "Impoli."

Your mother is such an alcoholic, she makes out with hobos for the fumes. This also indicates that she is promiscuous.

Your mother is so ignorant that she believed Ayi Kwei Armah's "Two Thousand Seasons" was a cookbook.

Your mother's diet is so poor that her cholesterol is higher than her credit score. I assume you to be ignorant, so allow me to point out that this statement also implies that she has horrible credit.

D-Rock's mother has slept with literally thousands of men and she's got every STD known in medicine, some of which are (typically) only found in certain barn animals. Damn, couldn't resist.

That's how it's done, bitches.

† the women were by far the worst competitors on the show. They got the Boo-urns every time.
* probably not true.