The other white meat

It seems that a relatively minor and seemingly innocuous comment from my post yesterday sparked a bit of discussion. Namely, my suggestion that babies be used as a resource. To stem further controversy, I feel the need to comment on this idea: it's brilliant.

Babies are so young and so full of potential. The potential to become scientists, doctors, lawyers, athletes, politicians, heroes and (with a little help) a renewable natural resource. With our population recently topping 300 million, I think now is the perfect time to implement "The Montgomery Plan."

Think of the possibilities: baby food, baby aspirin, baby shampoo, even baby oil. By using babies to fuel our cars and heat our homes, we'd end countless international conflicts and provide cheap heat to impoverished peoples. No blood for oil? Ha! I think that's exactly what we need.

Some of you might be outraged and disgusted right now. That's fine, keep up the charade. But I know you've all been secretly thinking it your whole lives. How many times have you heard somebody say to a baby, "you're adorable! I could just eat you up." Creepy expression of adoration, or subtle clue? It's like everybody is hinting at it but nobody is willing to actually suggest it. It's the giant squid in the room that everybody wants to be brought up, but nobody wants to bring up.

Here's a little example. There's an urban legend that when Gerber baby foods were introduced in Africa, the African people were shocked and appalled since they believed that the baby on the jar meant that the contents were made of baby. According to Snopes, the legend "is cultural prejudice at its worst; an apocryphal anecdote based on the premise of a whole society of illiterates who don't know what baby food is are credulous enough to believe that someone would sell ground-up babies as food." You tell 'em, Urban Legends Reference Page.

But here's the real truth: they did believe the jars contained baby, but they responded not with horror but hope. They thought that Gerber company finally made the dream a reality - finally babies were being used for the greater good. That first year, Gerber sales reached a record high entirely because of Africa. But they quickly learned the truth and created this "legend" to cover up the revelation of their true feelings.

But this isn't a social thing, it's universal. Present a similar mistake in any culture and they would've responded the same way. Everybody wants to use babies as food, fuel and various sundries but nobody will admit it. Until now.

You might be saying, "But Montgomery, this seems to be a contradiction of past statements. Haven't you said that aging is 'the slow process of converting your own body into food?'" Very true, but think of the logistics. A fresh crop of the elderly takes upwards of 55 years to produce, and we want to start now. To implement a decent sized yield, it would take at least that long. Babies take 9 months, tops. We'd be feasting like Kings* within a year.

Of course we wouldn't use every baby - we'd quickly go extinct. But I think most people have observed at some point that the people least capable of raising children (for financial, environmental or psychological reasons) are the ones who have the most children. I quote famed explorer and sociologist, Harvey Danger:

[I've] Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. The cretins cloning and feeding

But we can't just tell people they can't have any kids. Nobody likes to be told they can't do something. So I suggest we institute a 2 child maximum; all subsequent children will be shipped off to the Soylent Corporation. This will maintain the population at roughly its current level and it will provide for that population. "But why would they have more kids if they knew they'd be converted to food??" Because it would be legally required. Everybody likes to be told they have to do something.

I realize this is a risky endeavor, so I'm fully willing to take any credit and/or blame that must be assigned. I could go down in history as a monster worse than those responsible for the Holocaust...the Nazis. Or I could be regarded as a hero on par with those responsible for pioneering the use of sulfonamide as an antibiotic...the Nazis. I should've come up with a better example.

Listen, I love babies as much as the next guy. Probably more than the next guy, provided the next guy isn't Mark Foley. Babies are adorable and fun. Just seeing one makes me smile. But I'm also a realist and a problem-solver. "The Montgomery Plan" will solve no less than 8 global crises in one fell swoop. Just think about it...

*specifically Stephen King. Don't act surprised.