Take a look, it's in a book

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I haven't been bringing my laptop to class recently, and with finals approaching I usually study when I get home. Curse you, education! I'll learn you not to interfere with my blogging...

To make it up to you, I'll give you a preview of the first chapter of my upcoming book, "Playing Doctor: Turning Pain into Profit." Enjoy!

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Oh, Hello! I didn't see you there. Let me start by thanking you for purchasing my book. According to the publisher, this book will cost you the reader $29.95 to wedge between your unread copy of Atlas Shrugged and your overly read copy of Letters to Penthouse (you should consider alphabetizing your books, by the way). I'll be getting probably 5% of that, so you've essentially paid me about $1.50 to read literally hours of hard work. So thank you for funding 0.001% of my priceless education. Now go recommend this atrocity to 100,000 of your friends. You'll be doing me a real favor. Plus, you won't feel so bad about wasting thirty bucks on this abomination if the enire population of Olathe, Kansas did the same thing.

Now that we've got the finances out of the way, let's get to the meat-and-potatoes* of the book: playing doctor. I'll admit that I feel a little guilty - if the title of this book made you believe it was about the children's game of sexual curiosity or the adult's game of sexual role-playing, then I've mislead you. This book is actually a tongue-in-cheek* look at the world of medicine and medical school. I'm sorry. And I'm sure no self-respecting bookstore will take this book back, so I'm double sorry.

I feel too guilty. To make it up to you, here are Montgomery's rules of Playing Doctor:

1. This game is for two players and should take place in a bedroom or other private area. Not an actual doctor's office, unless you own it.
   
2. Before beginning, designate one person as "the doctor" and one as "the patient." It is recommended that the more dominant/sadistic player be the doctor
   If more than two people are involved, the rest will be designated as "nurses." They have to do what the doctor says, while quietly realizing they have all the real power.
3. The doctor wears a white coat and nothing else. The patient strips down and wears a flimsy gown.
   
4. The patient must listen to and obey everything the doctor says...while the doctor is in the room. As soon as the doctor leaves his/her/its presence, the patient may do whatever they please.
   
5. The doctor is allowed to stick whatever he wants, wherever he wants.
   
6. Once the doctor is satisfied, the game is over.
   
7. If the doctor ever crosses the line and offends the patient or makes the patient uncomfortable, malpractice rules are in effect.
   
8. Malpractice Rules - the patient is now in control. The doctor must bend over and take it.
   
9. *optional* HMO Rules - the doctor gives the patient almost everything they need, then stops before completion

I hope that helps. Now you'll think of me every time you're probing/being probed. More so than usual.



* the subject matter of this book requires more discussion of meat than potatoes, but I'll do my best
* see chapter 8: Severe Head and Neck Pathology

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It's a work in progress.