These go to eleven

Recently, Rich Man Alert commented that one of the reasons she enjoys reading this blog† is that I actually enjoy medical school. I didn't realize that came across in my writing, but it's true. I really enjoy medical school. I'll do a quick rundown of why.

From our home office in Wahoo, Nebraska - the Top 11 Reasons I Enjoy Medical School:

• After spending four years in a major I hoped to never pursue (engineering), it's great to be learning about a subject I enjoy. Although I do miss my math minor classes. [NERD!!!] Alright, who said that??
• As a consequence of (1), I enjoy studying for the first time since elementary school
• As a consequence of (2), and because of the schools semi-lax attendance policy, I can miss class (without penalty) and not miss material. This means that the usual 2 day weekends can become 3-9 day weekends*
• As a consequence of (3), I don't have to be so worried about getting up early or going to class
• As a consequence of (4), I get to spend lots of time with Legal Counsel and I'm happier in general
• Every time I start doubting my career choice, I go to my preceptor clinic and become reinvigorated
• The possibility of working in pajamas, aka scrubs
• Great professors
• (some) Great fellow students
• Fun toys - stethoscopes, reflex hammers and, most of all, tuning forks

And the number 1 reason I enjoy medical schools is:

• I get to do all kinds of things that normal people** would never get away with

Doctors, and to a greater extent medical students under the guise of "learning," get to do all kinds of crazy things which people would never protest. That's part of the reason I love doing histories and physcials. It's glorious. I think it deserves a new list.

From our home office in Oneonta, New York - The Top 11 Best Things Doctors Get to do to People without Question:

• Sticking a Q-Tip in the eye (trigeminal nerve test)
• Jamming a stick in the mouth (visualization of throat)
• Forcing a person to hop on one foot (cerebellar/general motor function)
• Shining a bright light in the eyes (pupillary response)
• Blasting people with deadly energy (x-rays, CT scans, radiation oncology)
• Forcing a person to strip down and put on a flimsy gown (modesty test)
• Smack with a rubber mallet (reflexes)
• Stab with a sharp object (neuro sensory exam, IVs, vaccines)
• Punch in the back (bone pain, sensitivity)
• Ordering the shaving a various areas, especially the genitalia (surgery preparation)

And the number 1 best thing doctors get to do to people without question

• Finger up the bum (pure comedy)

It's good to be a medical student.

Seriously, most people would never get away with these things. If you tried any of this stuff you'd look like a total jerk, but if I try it I'm being a professioal. It doesn't even have to be a patient. With a quick "I'm a medical student, I need to learn", a handful of Forget-Me-Nows and a rag coated in chloroform, people will trust you and let you do anything. It's great. Who else has the opportunity to poke people in the eyes, hit them, then stick a finger in the nethers - and then charge them for it? So trusting they are...

I'm actually thinking of just making stuff up and seeing if they go along with it, believing me to be professional***. This would be easiest to do during a neurological or psychological exam. "Alright now, Mr Smith, please stick one finger up either nostril and do your best to recite the lyrics to the star-spangled banner backwards."

Yeah, life is gonna be sweet. For the most fun exams, neurology is the way to go. You get to do all the weird stuff, and most of the time they won't have the presence of mind to question any of it. But you get to do stuff in almost every field that interacts with patients. Pediatrics is especially good since your patients will often giggle the entire time. Which is good because I giggle the whole time, which I've been told is rather creepy.



† not-so-subtle pat on my own back
* kidding...mostly
** *in this situation, normal does not mean "lower than us" as many people might assume based on typical doctor attitudes. In this situation, normal means "not freaks who choose to make a living staring at death and disease whilst sticking their fingers into moist, smelly orifices."
*** suckers