The Food Album

Last week when I was looking for food, I peeked into my fridge and saw the following:

• 1 whole Chipotle burrito, purchased entirely to get a free t-shirt
• Leftover Claim Jumper, which was the only place open on a Monday night
• Leftover Bumstead's sandwich
• Leftover Trident sandwich
• 3 human toes, 1 with nail polish
• Some kind of mycology experiment which Legal Counsel warned "don't touch if you value your life"*
• Homemade (from a package) brownies
• Condiments

As you can see, I'm one step away from being the unnamed narrator of Fight Club. "A house full of condiments and no food." But what separates me from Edward Norton's character, aside from the fact that I lack an anarcho-primitivistic nihilist alter-ego** and that I have a better body, is that my fridge does contain some food. Lots and lots of leftovers.

The odds are stacked against me when it comes to cooking myself. That's cooking my own food, not "cooking myself." Although I would be delicious. Montgomery is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, Montgomery-kabobs, Montgomery creole, Montgomery gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple Montgomery, lemon Montgomery, coconut Montgomery, pepper Montgomery, Montgomery soup, Montgomery stew, Montgomery salad, Montgomery and potatoes, Montgomery burger, Montgomery sandwich. That- that's about it.

Whoa, sorry. Slipped into a whole Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue thing just then. As I was about to say, let's look at the reasons I've been groomed to not cook:

• I was raised on restaurant food. We always went out when I was a kid
• Living in the dorms is not conducive to cooking
• I always end up trying to make raw chicken sashimi, and it never ends well
• Legal Counsel doesn't let me near the stove after "the incident." Speaking of which, let me just apologize to the state of Maine. It was an accident, guys. Let it go.
• Med school expects us to be in class 7 hours, and study, and attempt some form of physical activity, and cook dinner, and play XBox 360? Unrealistic. One of those things has to go, and it sure as hell ain't going to be my XBox. So long cooking. Let's also throw out physical activity for good measure. Pretty soon I'm going to turn into Jabba the Hutt. Scratch that...Dr. Jabba the Hutt, MD. "Hi chuba da naga? Wa wanna coe moulee rah?"

But now I'm trying to slip out of my beginning-of-the-semester restaurant binge, and slide my way into home-cooking. Legal Counsel and I went to Trader Joe's and collected up the choicest offerings of fresh foods and hippy crap. Trader Joe's worries me, though, because most of the people shopping there are either sickly thin, dirty or just plain gross. I'm not going to turn into one of them am I?

So last night I tried my hand and cooking and made...drumroll...a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! D licious. I even cut it into 4 triangles, which makes it even more tastey.

Which brings me to the whole reason I decided to write this post: why does cutting something ever so slightly different make it taste ever so much better? Man, I'm really long winded. It took me 500 words to get to the point.

But think about it: a PB&J is succulent, but a PB&J sliced into little triangles or squares is extra succulent. French fries are a classic, but crinkle-cut french fries are orgasmic. Green beans are pretty boring, but freedom cut green beans are great. Uncut penis is creepy and almost elephantine, but cut penis is a work of art***. The list goes on and on.

I guess I didn't actually have much to say about the subject. I should have left it as an observation, not as the central subject of a blog post. That's what i get for blogging hungry. Wait, did I just refer to circumsized penis as a tasty food? This...this is awkward. Hey, look out behind you! [Montgomery runs away]


* I'm not sure if the specimen was dangerous, or if she was threatening me. Either way, I'm scared.
** My other personality is more of a contextualist with just a whisper of anti-realism
*** with all due respect to my uncut readers

[Montgomery runs back]One more thing, and this is mostly for the med students because I couldn't find a picture of the professor. Does anybody else think Dr. Bustamonte (not her real name) looks like a female version of Everybody's Favorite Game Show Host, Guy Smiley?

I love Muppets...[Montgomery runs away again, arms flailing]