I'm not Stab Man. I'm not Knifey Boy. I'm the Blue Raja.

I've always been a fan of swiss army knives. I'm not sure why, but something about lots of tools packed into a small space fascinates me. Maybe that's why I spend so much time at the law school*. Thank you folks, I'll be here all night. Remember to tip your waitress.

I got a swiss army knife on my 16th birthday and I still use it all the time. I even tried to write a story about a kid who had swiss army knife hands when I was in elementary school. It was about a group of kids who became superheroes after their hands mutated into whatever they were holding at the time when a nuclear bomb went off. The other characters had hands made of spray paint cans, BB guns and pens/pencils. It was like a combination of Johnny Tremain and the X-Men...Johnny X-Main. In retrospect this was a horrible premise and more of a curse than a superpower. But in retrospect, all my childhood dreams are a sham. This is actually a really embarassing childhood memory since it shows how goofy I am, and I shouldn't have shared it.

I also enjoy the Leatherman...

Given that little backstory, you can understand my excitement when I saw this:

Wenger** has released a 8.75 inch, 2 pound 11 ounce swiss army knife with 85 features, costing $1,200.

I need this. Sure it might be difficult to carry, seeing as how I already have an 8.75 inch/2 pounds, 11 ounce tool in my pants. But it comes with two key rings! Carabiner on one, keys on the other and you're good to go.

You may ask yourself, "How do I work this?" And you may ask yourself, "Where is that large automobile?"

Ahem...sorry. Started channeling the Talking Heads there for a second. It won't happen again.

Where was I? Oh right. You may ask yourself, "How do I work this?" With your hands, silly. Nothing worth having comes easy***. Sure it might be a little cumbersome to the point of unusable, but it's worth the effort to know that you've got every possible circumstance covered. One second you're repairing a golf divot, the next you're making a classroom presentation. Golf divot repair tool? Check. Telescoping pointer? Check. It's like taking every tool you own and strapping them all to a brick. How cool is that??

You might be curious as to what features a $1,200 swiss army knife might have. Here are some highlights:

• Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
• Bike chain rivet setter
• Patented testicular torsion reversal tool
• Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
• Medium round soup spoon
• Fondue fork
• Watch caseback opening tool
• Decoupage brayer
• Pin punch 0.8mm
• Pin punch 1.2mm
• Langenbeck retractor
• Hemostat forceps
• Raspatory
• Reamer**
• Shortix key
• Shuriken
• Flashlight
• 5 golden rings
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Verity V91M Hard Disk Drive Degausser****

The sad thing is, I was trying to come up with ridiculous items and some of them were actually on the list. But I still want it.

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down...

* it would have been easy to make a D-Rock's mom joke, but I decided to take the high road...with a lawyer joke.
** giggle
*** I got that from Bob Kelso, Chief of Medicine at Sacred Heart.
**** When you need to orient the magnetic fields of your digital storage devices in completely random directions, rendering all information unrecoverable, think Verity. Verity Systems - quality since 1984