Nomogozrobich Domovon

Which mean "In my country there is problem"

As you all know, I like to use my blog as a platform for social change. :-D Man, I couldn't even keep a straight face online. For realsies, though, I like to use my blog to force my views on other people. "I have a blog, and you don't. So you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"

There's a problem in America and, I have to assume, worldwide. I problem that threatens to destroy all of civilization. The modern equivalent of Mount Vesuvius destroying Pompeii, Atlantis sinking into the ocean, or Jesus blowing up the dinosaurs with his god-powers so that Christians would be the top of the food chain*. The problem I'm referring to is, of course, guys tucking t-shirts into shorts.

Shudder...

It's an abomination and I'll have no more of it! It shows a fundamental lack of understanding regarding both t-shirts and shorts. These guys have got everything all wrong, and somebody needs to say something. I assume you are all being too polite, and I am anything but, so I suppose it will have to be me...

An open letter to guys who tuck their t-shirts into their shorts

Stop it!

T-shirts are a casual article of clothing. So are shorts. There is no reason to tuck the former into the latter. None at all. Tucking is an act of formal dress. So please, for the love of Dino-Killer himself, stop doing it. You look like an ass**.

You're wearing what would have essentially been undergarments fifty years ago, so don't try to pretend you're dressed nice. You're not fooling anyone, slacker.

It's the Haberdashery equivalent of the mullet. Business in the middle, party on the ends. You wouldn't cut your hair into a mullet, would you? Actually, let me revise my sentiments: you can tuck your t-shirt into your shorts if and only if you also have a mullet. Picture that combo, it just seems right.

It's not your fault. You middle aged guys are stuck between two strikingly different generations. My generation, which wears t-shirts, shorts, and flip-flops everywhere and believe that "tucking" is the act of assisting Robin Hood. Then there's two generations ago, where men wouldn't dare be seen in public in anything less than slacks, a button down shirt and a pipe - a situation which demands tucking, and a wife who never leaves the house.

You can't mix those two worlds. It just doesn't work. It's like mixing oil & vinegar: great for covering salad, not so great for covering your naked body. That metaphor took a turn in a bad direction. Middle aged guy covered in salad dressing. jibbly. There is nothing appealing about that thought. Unless it's Gary Oldman. And honey mustard. Mmmm, Garoney Mustman

In summary, stop tucking those t-shirts. You're wearing casual clothes, now wear them in a casual manner. I'm pretty sure Al-qaeda hates us because of our shirt tucking practices; I think the Qur'an*** forbids it or something. For the good of the country, pull out that t-shirt.

Thank you,
Montgomery

* that's actually what they teach in Kansas.
** re-reading yesterday's post made me realize that I said ass a lot. What can I say? That's how I roll.
*** I only offended two religions in this post. I'm out of practice.