Habitat for Humanity's Survival
This weekend I worked at Habitat for Humanity with Legal Counsel and J-Bone. It was pretty fun. But I'm a white-collar fancy lad, so I wasn't too suited for the work. I got to drive stakes into the ground with a sledgehammer, nail things together and use a power drill. Manly work. Unfortunately, Legal Counsel and J-Bone out-manlied me. They painted baseboards. How can I compete with that? I think one of the colors was eggshell - the most manly of all colors.
The whole time I was there, I had one theme constantly in my head. Maybe it was because of the Halloween Season. Maybe it was the recent Onion article on the subject. Or maybe it's because I'm always thinking about this particular idea. But I couldn't help considering how this housing development would stand up against a zombie attack.
I didn't instantly think about zombie defenses, of course. I'm not crazy. The first thing I thought about was the number of weapons available for battling the shambling undead. They had sheds full of tools: hammers, sledgehammers, picks, screwdrivers, shovels. You name it. Screwdrivers might be best - quick stabbing with little chance for getting stuck in partially decomposed brains. Sledgehammers are too slow - if you've got a dozen festering hands reaching for you, you need speed not strength. Picks and shovels would be decent, with shovels being preferred of the two. Hammers I'm torn on. They are fast, but there's a high likelihood for getting snagged. Fortunately, there's a whole box. A veritable plethora. If you lose a hammer in the decaying recess of their skull, just grab a new one. No prob. But you are cornering yourself in a shed...hmmm...
I'm going to go ahead and say power tools of any kind are a no-no. Don't get me wrong, the rapid motion of the instrument will make short work of their putrid flesh. However, the wail of a chainsaw or pounding of a jackhammer will draw the living dead from miles around. Especially with no cars drowning out the noise. You've got enough worries as the moans from their lifeless mouths draw more of their hoard. Trust me. Power tools should only be used if you plan to leave the area within the hour.
And that's just the shiny tools. There are numerous bits of wood and metal that can be used in a pinch. J-Bone even found a nice, sturdy board with several jagged nails sticking through. That's perfect for fending off the animate corpses questing for your living flesh. The dozens of available vehicles can be used to reinforce doors and walls, after being used to run down the rotten zombies. Of course, you run into the sound problem again.
After surveying my surrounding for potential spontaneous defense, my mind started wandering towards creating defenses before the dead rise. Fortune favors the prepared mind (although I don't think Louis Pasteur had zombies in mind when he said that). We were already building houses - why not fortify them against the walking dead?
For example, I was working on a wall to be put around a house. You first have to dig a trench to set the concrete foundation, then put in rebar posts and finally build the wall around it. Here is what I propose: widen and deepen the trench, then put the wall on the inside but make it 10-12 feet tall and have it surround the whole house with only one opening. If the decomposing bastards can get over the pit, they'll still have to get over that wall. And guarding one entrance is much easier than guarding the whole perimeter. Optionally, rebar can be planted on the outside of the trench and bent at a 45º angle away from the house. This will snag the monsters before they even reach the pit. And throwing some razor wire on top of the wall wouldn't be a bad idea.
And if we're already building a wall, why not surround the whole development? This will allow people to walk between houses, and allow them to get fresh air and exercise. And if you've got an open area, you can plant a garden for fresh food. This will buy you time until help arrives (ha, like that's going to happen...I mean, have hope!). It also provides yet one more barrier against the mounting zombie menace.
The last few suggestions are common sense. Reinforce all walls with thicker wood and metal, if possible. Use shatterproof glass on all windows and provide metal shutters. Steel doors instead of wooden doors. Stockpile food, weapons and ammunition. Canned and dry goods, of course: non-perishables. For weapons, use crossbows and silenced guns. Swords are fast and quiet. Come on people, just think. Only you can prevent zombie apocalypse.
On a related note, I purchased Stubbs the Zombie yesterday. It's an XBox game that allows you to play as the zombie. It's awesome.
The whole time I was there, I had one theme constantly in my head. Maybe it was because of the Halloween Season. Maybe it was the recent Onion article on the subject. Or maybe it's because I'm always thinking about this particular idea. But I couldn't help considering how this housing development would stand up against a zombie attack.
I didn't instantly think about zombie defenses, of course. I'm not crazy. The first thing I thought about was the number of weapons available for battling the shambling undead. They had sheds full of tools: hammers, sledgehammers, picks, screwdrivers, shovels. You name it. Screwdrivers might be best - quick stabbing with little chance for getting stuck in partially decomposed brains. Sledgehammers are too slow - if you've got a dozen festering hands reaching for you, you need speed not strength. Picks and shovels would be decent, with shovels being preferred of the two. Hammers I'm torn on. They are fast, but there's a high likelihood for getting snagged. Fortunately, there's a whole box. A veritable plethora. If you lose a hammer in the decaying recess of their skull, just grab a new one. No prob. But you are cornering yourself in a shed...hmmm...
I'm going to go ahead and say power tools of any kind are a no-no. Don't get me wrong, the rapid motion of the instrument will make short work of their putrid flesh. However, the wail of a chainsaw or pounding of a jackhammer will draw the living dead from miles around. Especially with no cars drowning out the noise. You've got enough worries as the moans from their lifeless mouths draw more of their hoard. Trust me. Power tools should only be used if you plan to leave the area within the hour.
And that's just the shiny tools. There are numerous bits of wood and metal that can be used in a pinch. J-Bone even found a nice, sturdy board with several jagged nails sticking through. That's perfect for fending off the animate corpses questing for your living flesh. The dozens of available vehicles can be used to reinforce doors and walls, after being used to run down the rotten zombies. Of course, you run into the sound problem again.
After surveying my surrounding for potential spontaneous defense, my mind started wandering towards creating defenses before the dead rise. Fortune favors the prepared mind (although I don't think Louis Pasteur had zombies in mind when he said that). We were already building houses - why not fortify them against the walking dead?
For example, I was working on a wall to be put around a house. You first have to dig a trench to set the concrete foundation, then put in rebar posts and finally build the wall around it. Here is what I propose: widen and deepen the trench, then put the wall on the inside but make it 10-12 feet tall and have it surround the whole house with only one opening. If the decomposing bastards can get over the pit, they'll still have to get over that wall. And guarding one entrance is much easier than guarding the whole perimeter. Optionally, rebar can be planted on the outside of the trench and bent at a 45º angle away from the house. This will snag the monsters before they even reach the pit. And throwing some razor wire on top of the wall wouldn't be a bad idea.
And if we're already building a wall, why not surround the whole development? This will allow people to walk between houses, and allow them to get fresh air and exercise. And if you've got an open area, you can plant a garden for fresh food. This will buy you time until help arrives (ha, like that's going to happen...I mean, have hope!). It also provides yet one more barrier against the mounting zombie menace.
The last few suggestions are common sense. Reinforce all walls with thicker wood and metal, if possible. Use shatterproof glass on all windows and provide metal shutters. Steel doors instead of wooden doors. Stockpile food, weapons and ammunition. Canned and dry goods, of course: non-perishables. For weapons, use crossbows and silenced guns. Swords are fast and quiet. Come on people, just think. Only you can prevent zombie apocalypse.
On a related note, I purchased Stubbs the Zombie yesterday. It's an XBox game that allows you to play as the zombie. It's awesome.
posted by Montgomery at 8:45 AM
2 Comments:
Brillant, but historically incorrect. Pasteur's famous quote, Le hasard favorise l’esprit preparé was made shortly after the Great Toulouse Zombie Uprising of 1872. It's actually known as le grand soulèvement de zombie in France.
Really? I was lead to believe he uttered those words when trying to convince the French Government to arm the military and police with silver bullets after the increase in werewolf attacks during the summer of 1871. You learn something new every day...
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