WE WANT PRENUP

Let me start by saying that we have figured out the "My Humps" dilemma. After consulting Legal Counsel and her crack legal team, a consensus was reached. It was determined that Fergie's "hump" is her bum, while her "lumps" are her breasts. This explanation makes total sense in the song, so my brain has slightly solidified. My favorite alternate theory, however, involves a delicious play on words. Apparently, a euphemism for a woman's genitals is "camel toe." I've never heard it, but I was told. Camels have humps, so it was suggested that Fegie's "hump" is her vagina. But that was just a fun theory. I don't think Black-Eyed Peas lyrics are that smart.

But for every ridiculous set of lyrics, you can find a heartbreaking work of staggering genius (hey, that would make a good book title). A song with lyrics so clever they make Boy George weep. In a few hundred years, this song will be referred to as "classical music." The ideal antidote the aneurism inducing "My Humps," it actually makes you smarter after listening to it. In this case, I'm referring to "Golddigger" by Kanye West (featuring Jamie Foxx).

The song is remarkable. I'm not going to analyze the specific lyrics this time, but I will give you a synopsis. The song itself is really a series of vignettes, narrated by Mr. West. Vignette A describes Kanye's love for a woman who some might suggest Kanye avoid. She spends her time in beauty salons, holding her Luis Vuitton (hey that rhymes). However, she has four kids (which Kanye is forced to drive around in his Benz) and has been seen with such celebrities as Busta (Rhymes) and Usher (Rhymes). Which leads some people to believe she is just looking for cash. Despite all this, Mr. West loves her - possibly because of her "ass like Serena." To be honest, Kanye, I think you've been struck booty blind.

Vignette 2 describes the plight of another gentleman, who must pay child support for 18 years (as stated by law). He's a football player forced to give all his money to this...golddigger, I guess would be a good title. She lives in a house bigger than his and spends the child support on sub-par plastic surgery - apparently she looks like Michael (Rhymes). And yet, this high-paid athlete is forced to drive a Hyundai, like D-Rock. And to further add to the irony, it turns out the child isn't his. But he didn't find out until the kid's 18th birthday. I see this story as a potential continuation of the first. A warning to Mr. West of things to come. A cautionary tale with the moral: WE WANT PRENUP.

Vignette the last takes on alternate view, this time singing about the woman. She's with a man without much in the way of liquid assets. After they go to eat, he ends up washing dishes to pay. But he's going to make it in life - he's got ambition in his eyes. He's going to go from Datsun to Benz. I don't know cars...is that trading up? While this man is working and struggling, all of his "balling" friends are hitting on this woman. But Kanye suggests that she stay with him - he's going to make it, after all. But he's going to leave her for a white girl. Snap.

So that's the song. And it's a gift from the gods. Kanye West is a modern Prometheus, stealing the "fire" that is this song from the gods and giving it to us mere mortals. Too bad he'll have his liver eaten by buzzards for all of eternity. Thanks, Kanye! But seriously, I'm pretty sure Kanye West is a deity, or at the very least a saint. I'm pretty sure he'll be canonized* after he dies. You want three miracles? Here you go:

1. He once hit a paraplegic in a wheelchair with his car. The result? Total spinal recovery and the ability to fire lasers from his fingertips.
2. One restless night, he got up at 2:35am and started writing his train of thought on a cocktail napkin. 45 minutes later he had what is now referred to as The Holy Bible.
3. He defecates soft-serve ice cream.

Isn't that good enough, Pope Benedict XVI? Jeez...


*canonized = fired from a cannon by the Pope