If you can't beat 'em...*

After years of hoping and dreaming, my wish came true. I became a zombie:

Not only that, but I had a hot lady zombie by my side with whom I can shuffle around Earth for all eternity. Awesome.

We wore these costumes to the med/pharmacy/nursing school Halloween party. I was a zombie outlaw, which Legal Counsel stated was perfect for me upon seeing it. I have to agree. In order to be the sickeningly cute couple that we love to be, we wore matching outfits - she was a zombie saloon girl. Sort of. She added a boa, boots and cosmetic touches to a gothic sorceress costume in order to make it old west style (since saloon girl/cowgirl outfits are either trashy or poorly fitting - seriously, one size fits all looks horrible unless you're at the heavy end of "all," which Legal Counsel definitely is not). I think it ended up looking great - she's so smart. We also added bullet hole stage makeup (jaw hole for me, chest/heart hole for her), which I've always wanted to do.

I know what you're thinking. "But Colan, you've dedicated your life to defending against zombies. You're humanity's only hope. And you're brilliant and sexy. Best human ever, really. You're just so cool and..." Please, stop, you're making me blush. I know I've built up a stockpile of food and weapons, and i've spent thousands building a zombie-proof shelter. But deep in my heart I've always known - it's hopeless. Eventually they'll break through my defenses, I'll run out of food or I'll run out of ammunition. They can keep going forever and we can never stem their growth. Sooner or later, we'll all be zombies. So why not embrace it?

I'm not sure what kind of zombies we were, however. If you're not a licensed zombologist like myself, you probably think all zombies are the same. Common rookie mistake that might cost you your life in the coming living/undead battles. Walking Corpses can generally be put into one of three categories:

Classic (Romero) Zombie - made popular in such documentaries as Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead. These are the slow moving, flesh eating undead most people think of. Motivated solely by a taste for human flesh, with limited fine motor function, slow movement and average to above-average strength. Sometimes seen using simple tools (i.e. rocks to break windows), and possibly capable of using firearms (but with poor aiming and no reloading). However, they display no higher brain functions beyond remembered use of tools. Usually kills by swarming and surprise.

ROLD (O'Bannon) Zombie - perhaps a slightly evolved version of the Classic Zombie. This type was observed by biologist Dan O'Bannon in his shock-you-mentary Return of the Living Dead. Basically the same as a Classic Zombie, but with a specific taste for human brains (which might be a more nutrient-rich food source). Theories suggest that evolution favored zombies who eat brains (faster kills, more nutrients), leading to this subtype.

Modern (Snyder) Zombie - created by an entirely new source, not related to the first two types. Seen in such news reports as 28 Days Later and (the new) Dawn of the Dead, this breed is fast moving, highly aggressive and seeks any human flesh. More dangerous than the first two, it can often defeat a human one on one. Aggression prevents knowledge of brain function or tool useage. Greater physical ability.

Whatever the case, they'll eat you. They'll eat you good. Just aim for the old brainbox and you'll survive a little longer. Unless it's Zombie Montgomery or Zombie Legal Counsel. In that case, just give up and let us eat you.

Halloween is so fun...

*Seriously, though, you can't beat them.