You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?

What have I started?

C&C Music Factory came over to Chez Scooby and they brought a little gift. Generous and kind, right? Yes and no. The gift they brought over was the Regional version of the Jones Soda Holiday Pack (containing the flavors: Turkey & Gravy, Broccoli Casserole, Smoked Salmon Pate, Corn on the Cob and Pecan Pie). This is a purchase I considered making, but I was scared. A double dose of Holiday Pack can be lethal. My knowledge of medicine led me to believe that drinking the second holiday pack would turn my body inside out. Gastro-intestinal suicide. The digestive equivalent of bare-knuckle boxing the ghost of Kaiser Wilhelm II.

So we drank it and it wasn't as bad as I had predicted. Don't get me wrong, it was godawful. Carbonated Ipecac. I think the whole experience was dulled by the fact that I had survived Brussels Sprout soda. The regional flavors were horrible, but un/fortunately they didn't approach BSS. I wanted one of the flavors to top it just to see if it was possible, but I also wouldn't want to drink a concoction that bad. As a result, this blog entry isn't as grandiose as the last Jones entry. But I'll provide some commentary.

Turkey & Gravy
The only repeat flavor in the pack. I want to say it was just as bad as last time, but that would be a lie. It was worse. I don't know how, but it got worse. I guess that really isn't saying much. It's like going from "you've got necrotizing fasciitis" to "you've got necrotizing fasciitis and an ear infection." No candy corn flavor this time, which is nice...I guess. I still wouldn't recommend it. Except to Saul.

Corn on the Cob
Awful. Again. Coree hit the nail ight on the head when she said it tastes like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly. It was liquid buttered popcorn Jelly Belly and it was horrible. And the weird thing is, I like buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies. Well, maybe not anymore. Of the five flavors, it's probably the second best. I still don't know why they call it "Corn on the Cob." Being a liquid makes it as far off the cob as you can get.

Broccoli Casserole
Bad, but not as bad as you'd expect. I had a preconceived judgement based on the previous green vegetable beverage. But this was nowhere near as bad. It had a weird pecan taste/aftertaste. I'd say that some of the pecan pie batch leaked in, but the pecan pie didn't taste this much like pecans. Ironic, don't you think?

Smoked Salmon Pate
This should be called WTF soda. I don't know why somebody had the idea to make it or why they acted on that idea. This stuff is the worst of the regional pack, and probably takes over as the second worst thing I've ever tasted. The smell is vomitous. To me it smelled like dry dog food with a little water mixed in (so it makes its own gravy). And I'll say right now that dog food is my all-time worst smell (followed by the smell created by a lab group in my chemistry class trapping cigarette smoke for an experiment - pure concentrated cancer). I only dry-heaved once upon drinking, which is nice. It probably tastes like mung. Or the juice which collects in the bottom of our cadaver bin. It makes the baby Jesus cry...

The worst part? Legal Counsel and I had sushi earlier, which included salmon. Blargh...

Pecan Pie
Follows the precedent set by Pumpkin Pie: simultaneously bad and not that bad. It tasted like really bad pecan candy, but its liquid nature makes it worse than eating bad candy. And like the pumpkin pie soda, there is a distinct flavor transition between the filling and the crust. After the bad pecan taste, there was a bad crust taste. The same crust taste as pumpkin pie. The best of the five, which isn't saying much. If pressed, I'd say that pumpkin pie is better.

The resulting burps were also terrible. A partially digested mixture of all five flavors, it was disgusting. I'd say it tasted like burping up Thanksgiving, but I've never eaten Smoked Salmon Pate for Thanksgiving (I know, I'm going against the pilgrims initial wishes) and I've never eaten cooking this bad. On a related note, I again considered mixing all the flavors and trying a Thanksgiving Shot. Mmm...reverse peristalsis....

As a whole, this pack might be worse than the national pack. The national pack holds the title for absolute worst flavor, but it has Cranberry sauce to cover up the other flavors. And pumpkin pie wasn't absolutely unbearable. The regional pack, however, was five bad flavors with no mercy. So the overall award for worst pack goes to regional, but the award for worst flavor goes to national.

If you have to buy only one pack, my advice to you is "re-evaluate your life." Why are you in a place where you have to buy one? And why can't you buy both? If you've got a jones for Jones, buy both and enjoy. And take an extra shot for me. But don't pour out "one for your homies" because I don't want to know the consequences of getting this stuff in the ground water. My guess is either zombies or massive plague. I think the Jones Soda Holiday Pack is responsible for the events in Cabin Fever.