Po, po, po, po, Popozao...oh god, I dropped Sean again
I try to not turn my blog into commentary on celebrities or entertainment news. Why? Well frankly, there are thousands of people who already do that. And it's way too easy. The jokes practically write themselves. Case in point: Tom Cruise. His Kafka-esque metamorphosis from "why the hell am I a sex symbol" little person to "batshit crazy" little person is nearing completion. Step 1: become a Scientologist. Step 2: make claims like "women shouldn't scream during childbirth" and "I can cure a heroin addict in three days" Step 3: crazy as a road lizard. I could probably write a whole blog on Tom Cruise alone: praising him up until 1990, then documenting his slow transition into madness. If I spent all my time discussing how pathetic celebrities can be, how would I make time to talk about how pathetic I am?
Oh god, here come the law suits. Legal Counsel, protect me!
But every once in a while, an item crosses my path that I have to discuss. If you saw a 2,000 lek note sitting on the ground, wouldn't you pick it up? Similarly, if America's favorite hillbilly couple was visited by Child Protective Services, shouldn't I at least mention it?
According to the official story, baby Sean Preston (Sean after Goonies star Sean Astin and Preston after Jackass sidekick Preston Lacy) was dropped by the nanny, who was lifting him from the chair. Let me note that I imagine the nanny to be a donkey with a cell phone duck-taped to its flank. At that point the baby fell headfirst onto the concrete floor. And somehow the chair broke in the process - aka, we couldn't get our story straight. "Uh...the chair broke and he fell and the baby sitter dropped him and there was an earthquake and the aliens done pushed him over." I'll just run with the premise that the story is true, even though I assume one of the hillbillies dropped him.
Some doctor, who isn't worth his weight in beans I'd imagine, checked him out and said he was fine. Let me note that I imagine the doctor to be wearing hole-covered, oversized brown pants lifted up by suspenders and no shirt. "I may not be a big city doctor, but that there baby is fakin' it." After six (6) days, they took the baby into the hospital for examination and found out he had a concussion. A friggin' consussion!
I'll admit that a consussion in children is difficult to see. Sleeplessness, vomiting, fussiness (from headaches, etc). Hell, Joelean has all those things all the time...except her vomit is pure acid capable of melting NASA-grade titanium. But If I was rich and I dropped my baby headfirst from at least three feet onto a concrete floor, I'd use my gold-plated helicopter or rocketpack to get the kid into an ER within 5 seconds. Even if I wasn't rich - I'd just take my silver-plated pogo stick. But not Britney and K-Fed. No, they wait through six days of symptoms (which should have cleared up within 20 minutes in the case of a normal fall) before going in. She probably used her magic pseudo-Kabbalah powers to cure him. "I reckon a red string around his wrist should keep demons from eating his brain juices." Or maybe they were in a drunken stupor for 6 days...
Well, the CPS agent came in and cleared them of any wrongdoing. On a totally unrelated note, that agent retired the next day and purchased a house in Hawaii. So officially they didn't do anything wrong. You know, except for putting a high chair over concrete floor, hiring a nanny who is uncoordinated enough to drop a baby, waiting 6 days to give the baby a full check-up and *probably* trying to get Sean Preston to smoke a cigarette (cause then he'd be the coolest baby in LA).
On the plus side, if this baby manages to survive another few years it'll be the toughest damn kid ever. He has to be - his parents aren't as smart as him. Think of the things he's fought through so far: smoking during pregnancy, near-Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, being driven without a seat belt, and now a straight-up skull dive. It's like a one-family survival of the fittest experiment. I figure he'll be smoking cigars and fighting crime by age 13, deflecting bullets and stopping wars by 18, and personally kicking the ass of every person who purchased a copy of Popozao by age 21.
This actually could be a scheme cooked up by Cheney (Dick, not Scott) himself (Dubya is too busy playing with Ball-in-a-Cup). "We give orphan babies to Spears and Federline until one of them survives to puberty. A baby that tough is a resource too valuable to pass up. Next, we steal the kid (the parents will never notice) and lock him underground. I'll brainwash him into seeing me as his true father. I'll call him...Penis Cheney. Yes, that'll do nicely. Next, we train him with all the best CIA/FBI/NSA/Haliburton tactics. Finally, we use him to secretly kill liberals. Brilliant! What's that you say? Use him to kill terrorists? Nonsense, they give us too much power. Idiot. Kill that man and feed him to Sean Preston."
Sigh. First Britney convinces millions of girls that it's cool to act stupid and dress slutty. Now she's teaching them how to be a bad parent. Blood...boiling...must kill a Backstreet Boy to quench rage...
See? This is why I don't write about celebrities.
Oh god, here come the law suits. Legal Counsel, protect me!
But every once in a while, an item crosses my path that I have to discuss. If you saw a 2,000 lek note sitting on the ground, wouldn't you pick it up? Similarly, if America's favorite hillbilly couple was visited by Child Protective Services, shouldn't I at least mention it?
According to the official story, baby Sean Preston (Sean after Goonies star Sean Astin and Preston after Jackass sidekick Preston Lacy) was dropped by the nanny, who was lifting him from the chair. Let me note that I imagine the nanny to be a donkey with a cell phone duck-taped to its flank. At that point the baby fell headfirst onto the concrete floor. And somehow the chair broke in the process - aka, we couldn't get our story straight. "Uh...the chair broke and he fell and the baby sitter dropped him and there was an earthquake and the aliens done pushed him over." I'll just run with the premise that the story is true, even though I assume one of the hillbillies dropped him.
Some doctor, who isn't worth his weight in beans I'd imagine, checked him out and said he was fine. Let me note that I imagine the doctor to be wearing hole-covered, oversized brown pants lifted up by suspenders and no shirt. "I may not be a big city doctor, but that there baby is fakin' it." After six (6) days, they took the baby into the hospital for examination and found out he had a concussion. A friggin' consussion!
I'll admit that a consussion in children is difficult to see. Sleeplessness, vomiting, fussiness (from headaches, etc). Hell, Joelean has all those things all the time...except her vomit is pure acid capable of melting NASA-grade titanium. But If I was rich and I dropped my baby headfirst from at least three feet onto a concrete floor, I'd use my gold-plated helicopter or rocketpack to get the kid into an ER within 5 seconds. Even if I wasn't rich - I'd just take my silver-plated pogo stick. But not Britney and K-Fed. No, they wait through six days of symptoms (which should have cleared up within 20 minutes in the case of a normal fall) before going in. She probably used her magic pseudo-Kabbalah powers to cure him. "I reckon a red string around his wrist should keep demons from eating his brain juices." Or maybe they were in a drunken stupor for 6 days...
Well, the CPS agent came in and cleared them of any wrongdoing. On a totally unrelated note, that agent retired the next day and purchased a house in Hawaii. So officially they didn't do anything wrong. You know, except for putting a high chair over concrete floor, hiring a nanny who is uncoordinated enough to drop a baby, waiting 6 days to give the baby a full check-up and *probably* trying to get Sean Preston to smoke a cigarette (cause then he'd be the coolest baby in LA).
On the plus side, if this baby manages to survive another few years it'll be the toughest damn kid ever. He has to be - his parents aren't as smart as him. Think of the things he's fought through so far: smoking during pregnancy, near-Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, being driven without a seat belt, and now a straight-up skull dive. It's like a one-family survival of the fittest experiment. I figure he'll be smoking cigars and fighting crime by age 13, deflecting bullets and stopping wars by 18, and personally kicking the ass of every person who purchased a copy of Popozao by age 21.
This actually could be a scheme cooked up by Cheney (Dick, not Scott) himself (Dubya is too busy playing with Ball-in-a-Cup). "We give orphan babies to Spears and Federline until one of them survives to puberty. A baby that tough is a resource too valuable to pass up. Next, we steal the kid (the parents will never notice) and lock him underground. I'll brainwash him into seeing me as his true father. I'll call him...Penis Cheney. Yes, that'll do nicely. Next, we train him with all the best CIA/FBI/NSA/Haliburton tactics. Finally, we use him to secretly kill liberals. Brilliant! What's that you say? Use him to kill terrorists? Nonsense, they give us too much power. Idiot. Kill that man and feed him to Sean Preston."
Sigh. First Britney convinces millions of girls that it's cool to act stupid and dress slutty. Now she's teaching them how to be a bad parent. Blood...boiling...must kill a Backstreet Boy to quench rage...
See? This is why I don't write about celebrities.
posted by Montgomery at 4:23 PM
1 Comments:
Ok that was the saddest, sickest story ever. How do people like Brittany and Kevin survive? You have ruined my desparate hope that people are good. Now I must rebuild..... =)
peasley
Post a Comment
<< Home