I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?

This morning I popped into school early so I might obtain my pathology slides for lab. Let me say that pathology has been pretty fun so far. I know, I know - we're only three days into the semester. But I still think I'll like it. Although the professor is doing that professor thing. You know, the one where they act as though the significant findings are so obvious that we shouldn't even need microscopes. Or to remove the slides from the boxes.

Back to the matter at hand: I headed up to the third floor to get my slide boxes and had an extremely uncomfortable encounter with the woman in charge. I don't actually know her name so I'll call her Elizabeth Cady Stanton, which has absolutely nothing to do with her apparent age. I handed her my filled out forms and the following exchange took place:

(note that I had asked a totally different person about getting a new locker yesterday)

Montgomery: Hi, I'm here to pick up my slides.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (looks at my paper) You were one of the students asking about lockers?
Montgomery: Yes.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (silently staring)
Montgomery: That was me.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (still staring; it's getting weird)
Montgomery: I was hoping to get a locker.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (staring continues; I start noticing a faint red glow in her eyes)
Montgomery: If they're still available.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (more staring. Oh god, please make it stop!)
Montgomery: I'm supposed to be getting an email from ~locker person~. (By this point I had assumed she was in the process of consuming my soul. This was my last attempt to break her concentration before the process was complete)
Elizabeth Cady Stanton: (blinks for the first time) Yeah, I've got some. (hands me the slides)
Montgomery: 'kay, bye. (grabbing the slides and leaving, making sure to never turn my back to her)

I had no idea she was the person in charge of lockers. Then again, I also had no idea she was the Mana Genita of medical students. And there I was with no black puppies for sacrifice. I normally carry one around for just such an occasion. My fault, really.

After weeping uncontrollably outside her office for several minutes, I regained my composure and I went to class. As soon as I got there I checked my email, as is my want. First thing to pop up: ~locker person~ telling me that I need to see Elizabeth Cady Stanton to get a locker.

Why? Why must fate mock me so? I barely made it out alive the first time, and now they want me to go back? But I need a locker: where else can I stash all those Krugerrands until the heat dies down?

So I built up my nerve and went back. But this time I had a posse, Andre the Giant style. I learned my lesson. Almost succeed in devouring my immortal spirit once, shame on you. Almost succeed in devouring my immortal spirit two or more times, shame on me. Bees, Ah Jota, Walt Flannigan and others accompanied me, all with visions of lockers dancing in their little heads. If I'm going to die, I'm going to take as many friends down with me as I can†. During this visit (with my unfounded sense of security), I took time to look around. And what I saw were dozens of pictures of puppies. Coincidence? I think not.

But we made it out alive. Which is a lesson for everybody: if you're going to face a mythological creature in an effort to obtain a small amount of storage space, travel in a group. Of course, this is just another example of me failing to lure Bees into a functioning death-trap. I'll have to add it to the list. I think I'm up to 17 failed attemps now. Pathetic...

In other news
Lance Bass reveals he's gay. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Anyone? Hello?

1 down, 4 to go....

†this has been my philosophy for as long as I can remember