Below the fruited plane
Last year, the sexy Legal Counsel and I enjoyed the Annual Celebration of Explosions and Jingoism in the Larger than Average Apple - New York City. We watched explosions over the river on a closed off stretch of road in downtown Manhattan. Jolly good fun. But also a tough act to follow. This year we were stuck in the Roughly Average Prickly Pear - Tucson. Not so much going on here when compared to an island containing over 1.5 billion* people. But we had a good time, as we always do.
We decided to celebrate our country by visiting one of its beautiful natural wonders. America is home to some of the greatest marvels nature has to offer, and the government does a pretty good job of protecting them. If the land doesn't have oil. Or natural gas. Or precious gems. Or valuable minerals such as copper, tungsten, granite and/or bauxite. The land also can't be a good place for houses, factories or commercial buildings. Or missile testing. Or cattle grazing. Or chemical waste storage. Or radioactive waste storage. And it can't lie directly between two major cities, since we can put a highway there. Or a major city and a smaller city. But if the land isn't especially useful in any of those ways and it's pretty, it has a roughly 48% chance of being protected**.
In particular, we decided to visit Kartchner Caverns. Most of you probably guessed that already, knowing my ever-growing love of speleothems. It was quite beautiful and a lot of fun. Where else can you see moonmilk in the Tucson area? A large part of this state park is devoted to detailing its history, so I figure I should share it with you all.
In 1974, two men discovered a crack at the bottom of a sinkhole. After widening the opening and exploring deeper, the men realized that it was a cave and not D-Rock's mom as earlier believed. The men explored the cave on their own and kept it a secret for ten years when they finally revealed its existence to the land owner - Kartchner (not the Carl's Jr. guy as you're probably thinking). Kartch-Dawg (as he was known) then kept it secret for another four years.
The reason for keeping it secret was protection. They didn't want the cave destroyed by visitors, as frequently happens to large voids in mountains. Eventually they decided that making it a state park would keep it protected and pristine. They petitioned the government and eventually succeeded. Once they achieved state park status, they decided that the best way to keep it in its natural state would be to blast a path through the cave system and build a wheelchair accessible ramp out of concrete and steel. Which they did. They also installed a series of four doors (which look sturdy enough to wishstand a bomb) to keep the moisture/ecosystem inside.
So Legal Counsel and I explored the natural beauty of the caves from the comfort of a man-made pathway. Oh, there was also stadium seating in one of the bigger rooms. And lighting systems installed all over the place. And sound systems for the music. And the necessary electrical systems. I love nature.
The tour was a lot of fun and the rock formations were amazing. The other people on the tour were a little...smack-worthy. What kind of question is, "was all that work worth it?" Dumbass...
One thing the tour guide pointed out no less than three times was the dome ceiling. Apparently in Department of the Interior speak, dome means "slanted." Anyway, he kept saying that the safest place to be during an earthquake would be the caves. They are sturdy enough to withstand anything, and a 7.3 earthquake failed to break even the most delicate structures. I wanted to run over and smash them to show that I'm more powerful than an earthquake, but Legal Counsel wouldn't let me. Sniffle.
I was surprised that the park people failed to point out the real best use of the caves. Earthquake protection is all well and good, but their real value comes in another area: zombie protection. Think about it! Living in a hollowed-out mountain in the middle of nowhere would be perfect! No walls or windows for them to smash through, plenty of space to roam, only one entrance large enough for the shambling corpses, and it's protected by 4 steel blast doors. Drool...
All we need to do is clear out all those pesky stalactites, stalagmites, helictites and soda straws, then replace them with a hydroponic farm for food. It's not like they really care about maintaining nature. They'll thank me later. It also might be nice to destroy the plant life above and replace it with solar panels. Maybe we can get a PS3 or XBox 360 in there. This apocalypse is starting to sound pretty sweet! I need to start drafting another letter to the government; we need to get this project rolling! Who wants to send scavenging expeditions to Ft. Huachuca when the dead have already risen? Not me. Unless we can get Simon Baker in our cave base.
All in all, I'd say it was worth a visit. Cool natural formations, isolated tour guides losing their minds, white chocolate candy with a huckleberry center, zombie protection - what more could you want?
Next post I'll detail why American + American = Un-American.
*This figure includes morlocks, so don't bother telling me I'm wrong.
**Yeah, well I think you're pulling numbers out of your ass.
We decided to celebrate our country by visiting one of its beautiful natural wonders. America is home to some of the greatest marvels nature has to offer, and the government does a pretty good job of protecting them. If the land doesn't have oil. Or natural gas. Or precious gems. Or valuable minerals such as copper, tungsten, granite and/or bauxite. The land also can't be a good place for houses, factories or commercial buildings. Or missile testing. Or cattle grazing. Or chemical waste storage. Or radioactive waste storage. And it can't lie directly between two major cities, since we can put a highway there. Or a major city and a smaller city. But if the land isn't especially useful in any of those ways and it's pretty, it has a roughly 48% chance of being protected**.
In particular, we decided to visit Kartchner Caverns. Most of you probably guessed that already, knowing my ever-growing love of speleothems. It was quite beautiful and a lot of fun. Where else can you see moonmilk in the Tucson area? A large part of this state park is devoted to detailing its history, so I figure I should share it with you all.
In 1974, two men discovered a crack at the bottom of a sinkhole. After widening the opening and exploring deeper, the men realized that it was a cave and not D-Rock's mom as earlier believed. The men explored the cave on their own and kept it a secret for ten years when they finally revealed its existence to the land owner - Kartchner (not the Carl's Jr. guy as you're probably thinking). Kartch-Dawg (as he was known) then kept it secret for another four years.
The reason for keeping it secret was protection. They didn't want the cave destroyed by visitors, as frequently happens to large voids in mountains. Eventually they decided that making it a state park would keep it protected and pristine. They petitioned the government and eventually succeeded. Once they achieved state park status, they decided that the best way to keep it in its natural state would be to blast a path through the cave system and build a wheelchair accessible ramp out of concrete and steel. Which they did. They also installed a series of four doors (which look sturdy enough to wishstand a bomb) to keep the moisture/ecosystem inside.
So Legal Counsel and I explored the natural beauty of the caves from the comfort of a man-made pathway. Oh, there was also stadium seating in one of the bigger rooms. And lighting systems installed all over the place. And sound systems for the music. And the necessary electrical systems. I love nature.
The tour was a lot of fun and the rock formations were amazing. The other people on the tour were a little...smack-worthy. What kind of question is, "was all that work worth it?" Dumbass...
One thing the tour guide pointed out no less than three times was the dome ceiling. Apparently in Department of the Interior speak, dome means "slanted." Anyway, he kept saying that the safest place to be during an earthquake would be the caves. They are sturdy enough to withstand anything, and a 7.3 earthquake failed to break even the most delicate structures. I wanted to run over and smash them to show that I'm more powerful than an earthquake, but Legal Counsel wouldn't let me. Sniffle.
I was surprised that the park people failed to point out the real best use of the caves. Earthquake protection is all well and good, but their real value comes in another area: zombie protection. Think about it! Living in a hollowed-out mountain in the middle of nowhere would be perfect! No walls or windows for them to smash through, plenty of space to roam, only one entrance large enough for the shambling corpses, and it's protected by 4 steel blast doors. Drool...
All we need to do is clear out all those pesky stalactites, stalagmites, helictites and soda straws, then replace them with a hydroponic farm for food. It's not like they really care about maintaining nature. They'll thank me later. It also might be nice to destroy the plant life above and replace it with solar panels. Maybe we can get a PS3 or XBox 360 in there. This apocalypse is starting to sound pretty sweet! I need to start drafting another letter to the government; we need to get this project rolling! Who wants to send scavenging expeditions to Ft. Huachuca when the dead have already risen? Not me. Unless we can get Simon Baker in our cave base.
All in all, I'd say it was worth a visit. Cool natural formations, isolated tour guides losing their minds, white chocolate candy with a huckleberry center, zombie protection - what more could you want?
Next post I'll detail why American + American = Un-American.
*This figure includes morlocks, so don't bother telling me I'm wrong.
**Yeah, well I think you're pulling numbers out of your ass.
posted by Montgomery at 5:02 PM
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