_____man* ______s

You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be spoilers.

Following the naming strategy started by Batman Begins, DC Comics released Superman Returns last week. I'm waiting for Aquaman Naps next summer. Anyway, Superman Returns was okay, not great but not horrible. Kevin Spacey saved it. But most of my critiques of this movie are actually critiques of Superman himself.

First off, I don't understand why he's a hero. Every other superhero has motivation. Here's a quick rundown:

Spiderman: Guilt
Batman, Daredevil, Tom Jane: Sweet, sweet revenge
X-Men: civil rights (damn liberals)
Constantine: desire to get into Heaven
The Hulk: hatred of Nick Nolte**
Captain America: all about the Benjamins
Blade: Self-loathing/hatred of the goth subculture***
V: nucking futs/freedom

But not Superman. He comes to Earth with power literally coming out the wazoo and decides to use it for good? He doesn't use it to make money? He could rule the world, or at the very least charge for his services, but he doesn't. He justs helps people. Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I can't believe that. Unless Earth's yellow sun also charges his conscience, he should be just a touch more greedy. I don't think Jor-El packed a Kryptonian Jiminy Cricket in that pod.

Wait...would animals from Krypton sent to Earth be super charged, too? Gerbils capable of devouring entire houses in one day? Shouldn't the bacteria he carried in his pod have wiped out the planet long ago? These questions will go unanswered. Moving on...

Speaking of Superman's solar powers (hippy), that's my other major complaints. He has too damn much of it. He's strong enough to move anything, he can't be hurt, he can fly, he has laser eyes, freezing/strong breath and nunchuk skills. That's just too damn much. He doesn't even need to try. He just walks flies up, ignores the bullets and defeats the enemy. Yawn. No action or real smooth moves. Just boring.

This was especially true in the movie. All he does is lift things. Out of control car? Lift it somewhere safe. Plane crashing? Lift it somewhere safe. Boat sinking? Lift it somewhere safe. Giant rock threatening the US? Lift it somewhere safe. It's like watching a documentary about U-Haul. Which is another way he could have made money on Earth.

I'm not even going to get into the "reversing Earth's rotation to reverse time" situation. Somebody got a fatwa by Ruhollah Khomeini for that one.

It wasn't always that way. According to Wikipedia:

As originally conceived and presented in his early stories, Superman's powers were relatively limited, consisting of superhuman strength that allowed him to lift a car over his head, run at amazing speeds, and leap one-eighth of a mile; and incredibly tough skin that could be pierced by nothing less than an exploding artillery shell.

That's more like it. Although 1/8 of a mile is pretty random and lame. Early Superman sounds boring, but heightened physical abilities would make for more interesting battles than God-like powers.

Speaking of God-like, did anybody else get the Jesus thing? Father in the sky sends him to Earth, he eventually learns of his heritage, he acts as savior (which the dialogue beats over your head like a wet herring), he dies (in the crucifixion pose, no less), he comes back. They might as well have called Spacey's character "Lex Lucifer." Weak, DC, totally weak.

My last critique (and this is the real spoiler) is the fact that Superman has a kid. Every aspect of that idea is flawed. First off, he is an entirely different species. The odds of having matching DNA is nigh impossible. It would be like a male chimp and a female human having a baby. No offense, D-Rock.

Second, sex with Superman would kill you. If the friction and crushing force didn't do it, the ejaculate would. It would easily blow a whole clean through you. Right through the top of your head. You might say, "he can control his strength - it's not always at full force." But they show that when he's stressed/suprised/in an emotional state, he loses control. Coitus would be the ultimate example of this. Especially with Lois Lane. He has a total crush on her. He writes "Mr. Clark Lane" repeatedly in his binder. He's weird.

Next, the swimmers would tear her apart from the inside. Obviously. Moving on...

Finally, carrying Superfetus would kill you. It would bust out of her like Aliens. A jack-in-the-box of underdeveloped tissue and pain. Jibbly. Of course, everything I'm saying now was stated better and in greater detail in Mallrats. "If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid." I'm sure Seinfeld would do a good job, too.

So Superman's not my favorite hero. Too much power, not enough character. But Dead Man's Chest opens this Friday; that should make up for it. Drool...

*no affiliation with Damon Wayans
**while it is true that all superheroes hate Nick Nolte, The Hulk is unique in that it provides his sole incentive for action
***while it is true that all superheroes hate the goth subculture, Blade's hatred puts the rest to shame

Totally Random Fact
The diameter of my ring finger at its base is exactly equal to the diameter of a penny.