Putting the BS in MSRP

I feel bad. I feel like I lied to my loyal readers last week (I couldn't care less about my disloyal readers). In the post dated 19 June 2006 I claimed to be doing autism research this summer. That's not really true. I thought I could impress you guys by gussying up my work. But that's not what I'm doing. I'm a liar. I filthy, dirty, no-good, Saul-esque liar.

In truth, what I'm doing is shoceling the excrement of uncastrated male bovine animals. The Program even gave me my own shovel, although it looks surprisingly like a green 3-ring binder.

Yes, they throw enough crap at us to fill a 1988 Ford Festiva. I'm thinking of starting a mushroom farm. Pointless paperwork, pointless lectures, pointless pornography, pointless porcupines, and giant hair. It all adds up to wasted time and requests for Montgomery to increase the size of his handwriting. That's right, a request not made since high school has resurfaced. That should show you how dumb this extra work is.

Let me start where they started: a question. Actually, that's where the started, where they continued and where they'll be long after I'm gone. The director (MegaWatt) is obsessed, obsessed with questions. Everything in the program is "question this" and "question that." She wears a Question Mark Bling Necklace. If she's approaching you, at about 50 feet you'll see a mass of hair and a giant gold question mark. Here's an artist's rendition of what she would look like after a thorough shaving:

So any piece of paperwork we are given is guaranteed to have no less than 12 incidents of the word "question" on it. She crazy.

The first assignment we were told to turn in was simple. Simply stupid, that is. It read, "What is the best question you've ever had? Why?" Ooh, tough one. I can tell you the worst question I've ever read. What the hell does it even mean? It's such an ambiguous, open-ended waste of time assignment. I was really tempted to respond with:

Did the removal of King Kong from Skull Island significantly impact it's ecosystem? It's a good question because it's difficult to answer. You'll have to fight the crazy natives to do research, if they're still alive. It's also good because it spans several subjects: botany, biology, primatology, herpetology, entomology†, anthropology, archaeology, Jack Blackology. Further, it concerns the fate of humans. If King Kong was the dominant predator, he might have been keeping evolution and proliferation in check. By removing Mighty Kong, other creatures might have shifted into power, allowing changes in species numbers and abilities. If they develop the ability to fly long distances, the world could be in danger. Finally, giant animals and dinosaurs are cool

But I didn't. I made up some BS about the brain.

The rest of the assignments are similar. We have to keep "ignorance logs" of the questions that we think of during the week. You know how many questions I have during the week? Somewhere between "zero" and "ask me again and I'll kill you." At least, no questions that are socially/scientifcally acceptable. I really don't think they'd appreciate:

What did the five fingers say to the face?
Can Transformers have sex?
If we could create a pill that, when fed to frogs, would make them explode, could we use frogrenades as a viable weapon?
Why is Who Framed Roger Rabbit such an amazing movie?
Why don't pools ever have diving boards any more?
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who was the first person to decide that eating bee vomit is a good idea?

See, these are the kind of questions I come up with. I'd get in a lot of trouble if I voiced them, which is true of about 86% of my thoughts.

They also made us ask questions about lymphedema. But not legitimate questions. Things I'm really curious about. No, we had to approach it as though we had never seen it before. But I have seen it before. We learned about it already. It's just lymph backup. But MegaWatt loves lymph almost as much as she loves questions. Her email is lymph at UA email suffix. Seriously, who does that? Use your last name like the rest of us. If I was like her (aside from already having killed myself), I would have made my email "zombie at UA suffix" or "disneyland at UA suffix." Actually, that sounds kinda good...

Aside from the paperwork, we have biweekly meetings. They come in two varieties: painfully boring lecturers rambling about their pointless research and painfully arrogant lecturers rambling about their pointless lives. Really, a whole lot of fun. At least they give us free food. Which, I might add, is getting progressively more unhealthy. Here's what we've had so far at the Tuesday meetings: Eegee's subs, Pizza, Wendy's, Taco Bell, and more pizza. Wendy's and Taco Bell were hilarious. They just went to the dollar menu and bought a bunch of burgers/chicken nuggets and burritos/tacos/soft tacos, respectively. Haha... Oh, the thursday meetings are catered with red vines, cookies and pretzels. We're med students. We know about nutrition.

Speaking of food, MegaWatt's mouth is always full of it. She'll start talking to the group (without a microphone while everybody else is talking so you don't notice her) immediately after shoving a whole slice of pizza in her maw. You can see little bits of food flying out as she blathers about questions. And she chews with her mouth full. It's sickening.

That reminds me: it was requested that I give her a new name. I was told that MegaWatt wasn't good enough. Hmm... I'll steal a page from Howard Stern: her new name can be PigVomit. Because she's a pig and she makes you want to vomit. Is that good enough, crew?

That's enough complaining for now. Sorry for the poor quality of this post, my brain is melty from writing. Maybe I'll stick my head in the freezer...

†not the study of Entenmann's