What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes?

Earlier in the week, I ranted about MegaWatt aka PigVomit. I didn't portray her in the most positive light. But I'll be honest: she's not that bad. She's a little wacky, to be sure. But at least she can be nice...usually. She's obsessed with lymph and questions, she lacks basic social skills (like chewing with her mouth closed), she curses like a sailor and she carries a sawed-off shotgun wherever she goes, but she can be a decent human being.

If you want to find a real termagant, you need look no further than MegaWatt's assistant. She's a real harridan. The bottom of the human barrel. Made from the slag remaining after soul's are purified for departure to Earth, her sole purpose is to make your life miserable. You specifically. Whoever is reading this, she hates you.

She's such a bitch, she makes unicorns cry. She's pro-choice simply because she wants a food source. She's single-handedly responsible for the murders of Lincoln, McKinley and Kennedy. She created the military embargo on helium that resulted in the Hindenburg being filled with hydrogen because she knew exactly what would happen. She created AIDS. She's such a bitch that Elton John, Buckcherry, David Bowie and Andre Benjamin are working on a compilation song just about her*.

If you can't tell, I don't like her. Allow me to illustrate:

I was standing in the hallway outside our lecture hall for the Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price meeting. That day's lunch was Eegee's. Delicious Eegee's sandwiches. And she didn't get the slushy stuff with it. Bitch. See what I'm talking about?

I kid, that's not all. I was standing around with several (upcoming) second years and one first year. For anonymity, we'll refer to the first year as Bono. That's Bono, not Bono. I wouldn't want you to confuse the U2 guy with Cher's ex-husband**. Oh, and I'll refer to the bitch as Sean Hayes.

Anyway, we were all standing around eating when I left to get some cookies. I should point out that Sean Hayes had earlier ranted about people wasting cookies. Apparently somebody threw away a whole oreo. The scandal! It never occured to her twisted little mind that maybe it was dropped on the floor or into the garbage on accident. Psycho...

When I returned from my cookie gathering expedition (on which we lost three brave men), I discovered a veritable savannah of sandwich greens in the middle of our med student sewing circle. Apparently Bono had dropped a whole sandwich and had only picked up the big pieces so far. Naturally, we started making fun of him. And I assumed he'd be cleaning it up. He got into med school, he must be at least half decent.

On or around that time, Sean Hayes walked up and just started staring at the food. This is the conversation that transpired:

Montgomery: Uh...MegaWatt did that. (joking, as usual)
Sean Hayes: Yeah, well I'll be the one cleaning it up or we'll lose access to the room.
(at this point I was thinking, "Big loss. These meetings are pointless, and there are plenty of other rooms to use. Like the classrooms, ya crazy biznatch." But things got awkward so I tried to break the tension with another joke)
M: Well, the mess isn't in the room. It's in the hall. We should be fine.
SH: (several seconds of uncomfortable silence) Use your brain.
(she said this with the kind of scorn reserved for a mother speaking to the guy who killed no less than three of her children)
M: It was a joke, lady.
(hehe, I can't believe I called her "lady" - both because it shows the contempt I have for her which I rarely do so openly and because it illustrates that I can't take nasty people seriously)

Then she started bitching about god knows what. I tuned her out. Bono started cleaning up the food, which I figured he would anyway. Then she started saying at least he has some respect for cleanliness. Whiskey tango foxtrot? He was the cause of the mess. I guess she didn't know that, but fuck her. Not "butt fuck her." Gross.

She joined in the cleaning and started bitching about her back surgery. It's called Karma, lady. If I was god I would've broken your spine, too. Personally. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever beith a bitch shall have a 32" DeMarini Voodoo Aluminum Bat delivered unto thine lumbar vertebrae."

And you know what? I helped clean too. Why? Because I'm a different kind of bitch. I half pitied her, half didn't want to look bad and half wanted it to be done sooner so she would leave. I regret it. I should have spilled more on the back of her stupid head. She's a Stupid Head.

After the cleansing was complete, she started whining again. "The high schoolers are cleaner and they have respect for their elders." Guess what? They're too naive to realize that their elders don't always deserve respect. Being a post-menopausal, nasty secretary*** with hatred for anybody younger or more successful than you does not qualify you as deserving of respect. Maybe if she was nice, even every once in a while, I might show her some respect. But her horrible, vicious enmity causes me to loathe her. I'll never respect you because you yourself are incapable of respect.

This little encounter put me in a sour mood for the rest of the week, which is probably exactly what she wanted.

This is probably one of my most spiteful posts ever...hooray?

*If you guessed Bitch is Back, Crazy Bitch, Queen Bitch, and Roses (respectively), you win! Also acceptable: Crocodile Rock, For the Movies, Ziggy Stardust and Hey Ya!
**I realize I'm still being ambiguous
***this is in no way an insult towards secretaries. I just realized that I never said what she did.