Day of the Blog

My Halloween costumes (when I wear them) have been getting more complex over the past few years. They’re definitely more detailed and fancy than my costumes as a child. As a kid, my typical costume was a black shirt and jeans with a cape. Add fangs and voila: Dracula. Add a sword and you have Zorro. Add an unholy vortex wear my chest cavity should be and you’ve created Karl Rove. Now that I think about it, my family reused that cape a bunch of times. Ah well, free candy is free candy. Delicious. Especially from the creepy guy down the street. His candy made me feel pass-outy.

Then there was the king of kids’ kostumes. The penultimate option in Halloween gear. The Franklin Pierce of candy-begging disguises. The boxed mask/shirt combo. You know what I’m talking about – the cheap ass costume claiming to be Frankenstein, The Wolfman or Oliver Miller consisting of a mask of said creature and a shirt with their picture on it. Seriously…what the hell? Why would Frankenstein’s monster were a vinyl shirt with a drawing of himself on it?? I get the mask – the mask is a classic. But the plastic-y shirt made no sense. Who’s idea was that?

Soulless Marketing Guy 1: We’ve got a mask but that’s not enough for a box set. What can we add?
SMG2: Guns?
SMG1: No.
SMG2: Drugs?
SMG1: No!
SMG2: Dead hookers?
SMG1: Get the hell out of here!
SMG3: A plastic smock with a picture of the creature on the mask?
SMG1: Brilliant! That’s not even a little ridiculous!
Janitor: I'm going to kill you all.
SMG3: Get back to work!

It makes no sense. But as a kid, I loved it. I was a dumb kid…

Now let’s consider my newer costumes. A few years back I was a circa 1970s street pimp. Ingredients: purple suit with leopard trim, matching hat and cane. Bake at 350º for 3 hours. This year, a kickass zombie outlaw with a hot saloon girl companion. Contents: torn up bloody shirt, dead-guy makeup, bullet hole, tattered duster, chaps, skull hat, and Legal Counsel. 72% of your USDA recommended dose of undeath. With new picture goodness:

I think this trend of costume improvement is consistent with most people who actually dress up. But why? Several reasons, I suppose. First, we are willing to waste more money than our parents. Second, a desire to relive childhood. Third, attempts to impress friends. Fourth, it’s an excuse to dress like a freak (looking at my childhood pictures, I dressed like a freak pretty much every day). And lastly, a desire to filling a soul-sucking emptiness not present in our youth. Right guys? Anybody else? Tear…

I just wish I was a woman…it’s amazing how often I find myself saying that. They get to dress slutty, throw on bunny ears and call it a bunny costume. Same goes for mouse, cat, vampire…pretty much anything. If they wear next to nothing on Halloween, nobody is going to complain. Or any other day for that matter. But as soon as Montgomery shows up with his naughty bits hanging out and a dead raccoon on his head, he’s a sex offender. Damn double standards. It’s symbolic, people. It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out the metaphor.

Some other random thoughts:

A very popular Halloween costume for ladies this year is the circa 1920’s flapper. I keep seeing them at all the festivities I’ve visited and at many a costume shop. They should go the whole nine: only drink bootleg hooch and invest all their money in the stock market, which will never crash. It’s a really bizarre trend, but I like it. It must be the popularity of that new book, “The Great Gatsby.” 23 skidoo….

Watching D-Rock eat the cream out of an Oreo brand cookie was the creepisest thing I’ve ever seen. It will haunt my nightmares. Scariest Halloween costume idea of the year: D-Rock with an Oreo. I just threw up a little.

“Chickens = retarded” – D-Rock’s notes, 28 October 2005

Get the title of this post? This is my third Halloween post/post involving zombies on my blog. The third of Romero's Dead trilogy was Day of the Dead. Understand? No? I give up...