American + American = un-American
This is a much delayed post, originally intended to be written roundabout July 4th.
What's the most American thing you can think of?
That's right, Kraft American Cheese Singles. It's like a semi-solid slice of our nation. You get yourself a 64-pack and you've got a heavily-processed, artery clogging block of freedom. Taste the liberty and justice for all. This particular slice was obtained for the purpose of placing upon a veggie burger cooked in a George Foreman Grill - yet another symbol of our country.
So that's the most American thing you can think of. But what's the actual most American thing?
Correct: Apple Pie. "As American as Apple Pie" is a phrase in common parlance, after all. Please note that this is real apple pie. Not Dutch Apple Pie. There is nothing more anti-America than Dutch Apple Pie. Dutch Apple Pie is terrorist pie. No no, this is real apple pie. This particular slice was obtained for the purpose of being crammed down my throat.
So here we have the two symbols of our country: curdled milk stolen from baby cows and highly sugared fruit, baked inside a rich carbohydrate shell. Eat one, then eat the other, then pass out on your couch fat and happy. It's the American Dream.
But for many people, that's not enough. Having two separate tasty treats just doesn't suffice. They feel the need to combine them into a Frankenstein's Monster of Flavor. No, I'm not talking about Frankenberry. I'm talking about Apple Pie and Cheese.
To me, it sounds disgusting. Really disgusting. Criminally disgusting. But people do it. Especially southerners and midwesterners...I assume - I actually have no basis for that statement.
I had no desire to eat it.
But I did. Why? Three reasons. 1) I saw Champ Kind doing it in Thank you for Smoking, an hilarious movie. And according to legislators and religious zealots, I have to emulate everything I see in movies, television, or video games. 2) The realization that I dip apples into cheese at the Melting Pot. Mmm....molten cheesy goodness. 3) Comedy. I always need blog material.
So I did what any red-blooded american would do: I slapped a slice of cheese onto a slice of pie and popped it into the microwave:
My thoughts: it's pretty gross. I'd say that those two flavors do not belong together. Fortunately, the apple pie flavor mostly dominates the cheese flavor. Mostly. So if you trick some blind guy into eating this (which I suggest), he'd probably think, "There's something wrong with this pie." Then he'd get an especially cheesy bit and think, "That asshole put cheese on my pie. I'm glad my seeing eye dog is also an attack dog." Oh, and I'm sure he'd also think, "I wish I could see."
In summary:
Apple Pie - tip of the hat
Cheese - tip of the hat
Apple pie and cheese - wag of the finger
If you have the opportunity to eat apple pie and cheese, don't do it. For me. Please.
And really this whole experience has just been a metaphor for global politics. Too much America can be a bad thing.
What's the most American thing you can think of?
That's right, Kraft American Cheese Singles. It's like a semi-solid slice of our nation. You get yourself a 64-pack and you've got a heavily-processed, artery clogging block of freedom. Taste the liberty and justice for all. This particular slice was obtained for the purpose of placing upon a veggie burger cooked in a George Foreman Grill - yet another symbol of our country.
So that's the most American thing you can think of. But what's the actual most American thing?
Correct: Apple Pie. "As American as Apple Pie" is a phrase in common parlance, after all. Please note that this is real apple pie. Not Dutch Apple Pie. There is nothing more anti-America than Dutch Apple Pie. Dutch Apple Pie is terrorist pie. No no, this is real apple pie. This particular slice was obtained for the purpose of being crammed down my throat.
So here we have the two symbols of our country: curdled milk stolen from baby cows and highly sugared fruit, baked inside a rich carbohydrate shell. Eat one, then eat the other, then pass out on your couch fat and happy. It's the American Dream.
But for many people, that's not enough. Having two separate tasty treats just doesn't suffice. They feel the need to combine them into a Frankenstein's Monster of Flavor. No, I'm not talking about Frankenberry. I'm talking about Apple Pie and Cheese.
To me, it sounds disgusting. Really disgusting. Criminally disgusting. But people do it. Especially southerners and midwesterners...I assume - I actually have no basis for that statement.
I had no desire to eat it.
But I did. Why? Three reasons. 1) I saw Champ Kind doing it in Thank you for Smoking, an hilarious movie. And according to legislators and religious zealots, I have to emulate everything I see in movies, television, or video games. 2) The realization that I dip apples into cheese at the Melting Pot. Mmm....molten cheesy goodness. 3) Comedy. I always need blog material.
So I did what any red-blooded american would do: I slapped a slice of cheese onto a slice of pie and popped it into the microwave:
You got apple pie in my cheese! You got cheese in my apple pie!
Looks delicious, doesn't it? If your thought just now was "Boy howdy, it sure does," please let me know so I can slap you. It looks disgusting. It looks like apple pie with melted cheese on top. It took me a minute to build up the courage to eat it, and even then I had to do so with my eyes closed. CHOMP!My thoughts: it's pretty gross. I'd say that those two flavors do not belong together. Fortunately, the apple pie flavor mostly dominates the cheese flavor. Mostly. So if you trick some blind guy into eating this (which I suggest), he'd probably think, "There's something wrong with this pie." Then he'd get an especially cheesy bit and think, "That asshole put cheese on my pie. I'm glad my seeing eye dog is also an attack dog." Oh, and I'm sure he'd also think, "I wish I could see."
In summary:
Apple Pie - tip of the hat
Cheese - tip of the hat
Apple pie and cheese - wag of the finger
If you have the opportunity to eat apple pie and cheese, don't do it. For me. Please.
And really this whole experience has just been a metaphor for global politics. Too much America can be a bad thing.
posted by Montgomery at 10:45 AM
3 Comments:
Speaking of American institutions: http://www.nysun.com/article/36394.
I think it's important to know who your learning from...
I am now 85% sure that John Stossel owns a banjo. I was only at about 30% before that article.
I think that article needs to be read by Dr. Racy. He'll probably have some good input. Something like "marrying your cousin make you 70% more likely to experience murderous rage."
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