Running through my head

Thisa summer while I was holding down the fort in Tucson, Legal Counsel would venture westward and northward to Phoenix. She was up there mostly to fight crime, but she also spent time creating chaos where previously there was none or very little. A pretty sweet gig*. She's like V**. Except hotter. With slightly less use of alliteration, but slightly greater use of explosives.

Being that she was in Phoenix whilst I was in Tucson, and taking into consideration my very flexible summer work schedule, I made several expeditions to the Northwest territory***. And it just so happened that she lived very near the Mill Avenue area and ASU. Or as they call it in Tucson, "ASU Sucks." Somebody graffiti'd that on the sidewalk near the Optical Science Center here at the UA. Why would you vandalize your own university to badmouth another? Sigh...

Whenever I spend an appreciable amount of time near college campuses or hippy**** hangouts like Mill, the number of tattoo***** sightings drastically increases. And things like that always get me thinking. And Montgomery thinking is never, never, NEVER a good thing.

I used to be opposed to tattoos. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you why. I think my argument was that they are unnatural. But 90% of human behavior is unnatural, so that doesn't make sense. By the same logic, I could argue against surgery. Maybe I was opposed to them because my tattoo-fisted father would punch me in the eye every morning for 6 straight years. But I'm not a physicist - I don't pretend to understand the human mind.

My previous opinion on tattoos was that they are only acceptable in one situation: military service. And in that case, they are totally mandatory. You have to get some kind of ill-tempered animal etched into your arm flesh along with everybody else in your platoon. "The Fighting Lungfish," "The Flying Snakes," "The Grumpy Gorillas" or "The Killer Coelacanth." Whatever. Point is that it builds unity and preserves a memory. Because you're really likely to forget military service. Also, it makes it easier to identify bodies.

But my previous tattoo bias has essentially disappeared. Now I have no problem with them, and think they can often be pretty cool. I attribute my newfound open-mindedness to two sources. First, Legal Counsel has one and I like it. It's the cutest portrait of Chief Justice Warren Burger covering her entire back. Second, and more importantly, Little Pete from The Adventures of Pete & Pete had Petunia on his forearm and she would dance. You can't argue with that. He is my personal hero, after all.

Despite my newfound appreciation for body art, I still can't see myself getting one. It's not the idea of tattoos in general, it's just that I can't think of anything to permanently dye into my flesh. But for the purposes of blog material, I'll try to think of something. It would have to be something that is important to me. But I'm not a fan of getting the name or visage of a person you know imprinted on your skin, so Legal Counsel is out. Something I enjoy. Something I'll never grow sick of. Hmmm...

Two things spring to mind: Disneyland and Zombies. I'm sure the two non-human things I love most are the Happiest Place on Earth™ and the walking dead. I constantly want to go to Disneyland (I've got the annual pass, after all) and I'm constantly waiting for new zombie movies while watching the old ones. But how would I choose? It's like Sophie's Choice, but more important******.

I've got it! Combine the two! A zombie riding Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters! Or Pirates! Or Splash Mountain! Or riding a Doom Buggy! No...wait...even better! A zombie wearing souvenir Mickey Mouse Ears! Yes! It's brilliant! Probably the coolest thing I've evr come up with. That's the kind of thing I can see inscribing permanently on my body. Somewhere out of sight, of course. Surely I'd have to see a drawing first. (yes you would and don't call me Shirley) In fact, that would just be a good drawing to own. I've got a birthday coming up - if anybody out there is an artist, Zombie Disneyland Tourist drawing is the perfect gift.

That's enough time dwelling on my love of two completely opposite things. Let's move on...

So my previous tattoo bias is gone. But fortunately I've got an entirely new bias. Namely: obese people shouldn't have tattoos. Ever. Jibbly. Slightly to moderately overweight is fine, but once you hit obese it is strictly off limits. I see them walking around Mill Ave or the UA Campus and it just doesn't look good. Hey buddy, your arm flab is really testing the tensile strength of that barbed wire. I know you've got a larger canvas to work with, but that doesn't mean you have to. Unless you're using your skin as a living pirate treasure map, which kicks ass.

And you can totally tell when somebody got the tattoo when they were skinny. It gets all stretched out and distorted. That little butterfly on your back has changed into Mothra, and it terrifies me. Getting a tattoo is like a sacred oath to keep your weight relatively constant. That's a piece of art, damn it! Would you stretch the Mona Lisa around a 1971 Buick Skylark? Didn't think so.

There is one exception to the Obese Tattoo Rule: if you're a guy and at least 70% of your body is tattooed, you're good to go. That's the kind of commitment I like to see. If you're body is covered in a collage of skulls, creepy jesters, unicorns, flora, fauna and various other fun stuffs, I salute you. And fear you. Take my wallet, just please don't hurt me or eat my baby.

Okay, I'm done with this subject. In summary: Montgomery no longer opposes tattoos, except on obese people. And he would love to see a zombie wearing Mickey Mouse Ears. This post went very long...again. I like writing. It's relaxing.


*gig is hippy lingo for "job" - something about which hippies know nothing. It also means "a light two-wheeled carriage pulled by one horse" or "a light, fast, narrow boat adapted for rowing or sailing" or "a harpoonlike device used for catching fish or frogs." But I'm not using any of those definitions. Why would fighting crime and creating chaos be a "pretty sweet light two-wheeled carriage pulled by one horse?" You're being ridiculous. Stop it.

**for Vendetta

***calm down, Canadians. Go eat some donuts.

****I don't actually hate hippies. Just beatniks.

*****tattoo: (noun) an evening drum or bugle signal recalling soldiers to their quarters. This isn't the definition I'm using, jerk.

******Bad taste, I'm sorry. Chopped (the restaurant) has a sandwich that lets you choose between two kinds of deli meat called "Sophie's Choice." How horrible is that? I just wanted an excuse to bring it up.