MvP

If you’ve been reading this blog for an appreciable amount of time, you know that my five greatest fears are as follows:

1. Zombies
2. Robots
3. Aliens
4. Heights
5. Abe Vigoda

Although number five probably shouldn’t count, seeing as how it is a combination of numbers 1-3, with a hint of 4.

The way I figure it, the best way to face your fears is by preparing to face them with days worth of planning and tens of thousands of dollars in expensive products. I’ve had books describing the proper response to zombie and robot attacks for a while now, and “heights” isn’t the kind of thing you can combat…except maybe by living underground. But I'm in no mood to deal with the mole people - they know why. And if Abe Vigoda has your number, you’re screwed no matter what you do.

Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to come up with plan of action in case of alien invasion. Unless you consider “hiding under a pile of socks” a plan of action. So you can imagine how excited I was to see the following book being published:

To Catch a Predator, by Chris Hansen

Sure it’s only one species of alien, but it’s nigh impossible to have an attack plan that covers every species of alien. So this book is a good start.

I’ve seen those documentaries by Carl Weathers and Danny Glover dozens of times, but they were woefully lacking in descriptive details about strategy. I tried calling Carl Weathers, but he just said “It was a movie, kid.” And now he’s hanging out at my house asking for food and he won’t go away. If you’re reading this, Carl, you need to leave. Please! It’s hard to poop with you standing there.

So I buy the book and what do I discover? Almost no help in catching predators! Talk about your false advertising! How am I supposed to steal its technology if I can't even catch it? Here’s a brief list of things that should have been in the book, but weren’t:

1. Predator anatomy and physiology
2. Predator technology
3. Predator attack methods
4. Predator defense strategy
5. Predator weaknesses
6. Predator prevention
7. Methods of avoiding predator vision
8. How to get Carl Weathers out of your damn house

But I didn’t get any of those things. Chris Hansen…you’re on notice!

So what is the book actually about? Using the internets to get pedophiles to come to your house. Man…you can order anything on the internets!

How does this help me, Chris? Huh? Tell me that! Who actually wants pedophiles at their house? What am I going to do with them? I’ve already got Carl Weathers there, I don’t need a bunch of freaky sex perverts asking for Eggs Benedict, too.

Although I guess they could be useful. I could use them as predator bait. With the predator distracted by my cadre of weirdos, I could slip out the back (exactly the opposite of what the pedophiles wanted to do). Also, they might be willing to help out around the house before and/or after the predator attack, unlike that lazy Carl Weathers. Yeah, I know you’re reading this. Just leave! If you don’t, I’ll sick my pack of sickos on you! Try asking them for food – all they’ll give you is sausage!

That’s actually a good idea. I’ll use what I’ve learned from “To Catch a Predator” to form a gang of pedophiles, then order my gang to bully Carl Weathers out of my house. Then call the cops and get all the pedophiles arrested. Problems solved!

So I’m sorry, Chris Hansen. You’re no longer on notice. Sure your book didn’t solve my predator problem, but it did solve my Carl Weathers problem, which is just as good. You’re welcome at my house any time, Mr. Hansen. We’ll have tea. I’ve got a well-trained staff of pervert waiters ready to serve us. Just don’t bring your kids.