Conan the Librarian

An open letter to the fraternity boys and sorority girls roosting on the 4th floor of the library

Dear sirs and/or madams (I use this term fully aware of its alternate meaning)

Let me begin by saying that you all deserve a little credit. Based on your intelligence, behavior and sometimes even appearance, I can tell that the first bar you ever visited was your mother's uterus - the beginning of a long, proud history of drinking. So the fact that you've made it this far is admirable. Bravo. That being said, let me just tell you that I wish you would all stumble across a mysterious black slime that you would each take turns touching, even after seeing everybody before you melt upon touching it.

I understand that you need to make it look like you care about academics. For the boys, I'm sure your dad required that you get a cumulative GPA of 2.0 or better before he lets you work at his car dealership in Encino. For the girls, you're probably just using the boys until you are discovered dancing half-naked on top of a bar and your acting/modeling careers take off. But why, for the love of god, do you have to do it at the health sciences library??

Sorry, got a little carried away. I'm fully aware why you use this library: it's closest to the frat houses, and you probably just walk here drunk and/or high. Who am I kidding? You probably just drive here drunk and/or high. But if you're going to eat at the grown up table, you need to act like an adult. And don't bother pointing out the irony of Montgomery telling somebody to act like an adult, I'm fully aware.

Let's begin with the most simple common courtesy: being quiet in a library. I can hear your conversations about theme parties and the price of penicillin across the entire fourth floor. And when you're making out it sounds like a drunken Frenchman slapping two soggy fish together. Alls I'm saying is, "shut your filthy Neisseria gonorrhoeae colonized mouths." I'm not unreasonable - I understand that conversations will happen when "studying" with friends. but please try to keep it to a dull roar. And limit the tonsil hockey to IHL.

I think I know why you are so loud. Upon claiming a table, you invariably spread out and collect every rolling whiteboard in the place to construct a little fort, which you apparently believe to be soundproof. I have to admit to being more than a little jealous here. Ever since the library constructed its modular design on the fourth floor, I've had dreams of playing with it too. Between you and me, I'd like to use the whiteboards to construct a labyrinth. Then I'd don a (hopefully) fake bull head and chase down hapless grad students. Thesis and the Minotaur...I like it.

But I don't do that, no matter how much I want to. How very, very much I want to. Why? I'm trying to be respectful of other people, a concept you probably haven't been taught yet. Your fort isn't soundproof, and some people actually use the whiteboards for writing. Strange concept, I know. Also, people can see between the whiteboards - it's not Fort Knox. So when you boys are playing slap-and-tickle, everybody can see it. Including the creepy old guy who always goes to the bathroom after watching you semi-grope each other. So next time you visit our fine establishment, try just using a table.

For once in your lives, try being respectful. Act in a manner appropriate for a library. Study quietly on the fourth floor, then when you need a break go down to the third floor and play Indiana Jones with the compact shelving. Like an adult.

Hugs and Kisses,
Montgomery