Legal Issues at the End of Life

That was the name of our SBS lecture today, presented by the hospital's malpractice attorney. I'm going to be honest with you: she shares more than a passing resemblance with Ted from Scrubs. The more she talks, the more similar she becomes. Especially when she says things like,

And if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything.

Still good advice, though.

The lecture itself is about, appropriately enough, legal issues at the end of life. How and when can you terminate care? Which takes precedence: medical power of attorney, living will, or Cobra Commander? For how many days must a person be in a coma or persistent vegetative state before they are fair game for Republicans to use as a political tool? Are we allowed to use comatose or vegetative patients to stage a life-size puppet show? If the patient becomes awake and responsive with nobody around, is the doctor allowed to play along as the patient fakes coma so they can jump up and scare their friends and family?

But there's one big issue that wasn't addressed: zombies. Technically, the "end of life" can be the "beginning of undeath" under the right circumstances. And she didn't even mention that scenario. Our medical education is severely lacking, and our apocalypse preparedness is almost non-existent (some anti-werewolf training, brief mention of alien assault). When will they start teaching us skills we can actually use?

This was the perfect time to learn about the legality of all things zombie, and I'm still full of questions. Chief among them:

• If a person presents with a zombie bite, is it legal to kill them before they turn?
  • What if you're only 50% sure it was a zombie bite?
  • 20% sure?
  • What if there's no reason to believe zombies were even present, but I don't want to take the chance?
• If they've already turned into a zombie, is it legal to kill them in self defense?
  • What if they've turned, but they're fully restrained?
  • What if they've turned, but they have no teeth or nails?
• If a patient is minutes from death, is it legal to intentionally infect them with the zombie virus to keep them "alive" in the hopes that a cure for both zombie-ism and their underlying disease will be discovered some time in the future?
  • Same scenario, but you're infecting them for research purposes.
• If I'm the attending physician, can I send a resident into the room of a zombified patient because I'm afraid to go in?
  • Can I "forget" to tell the resident that the patient is a zombie, to see how well they think on their feet?
• Does Arizona law recommend one method of dispatching zombies over others?
• If the hospital is surrounded by zombies, but I'm safely barricaded inside with staff and patients, can I kill myself knowing full well that my fate is sealed, and that I don't want to become one of "those damned monsters?"
  • Can I euthanize patients out of mercy?
  • If somebody snaps and tries to escape, can I incapacitate and/or kill them to prevent zombies from getting in?
• When will the government just admit it's been experimenting with zombies in the desert outside Tortolita, AZ since 1981 in a project code-named MKROMER?
• Am I obligated to make a "reasonable effort" to sever the head, which would stop the zombie while still keeping it alive?
• Are zombies protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act?

So many questions, so few answers. I bet that Jamaican medical school would have taught this material...mon. And I've heard that Harvard has an entire block dedicated to the living dead, including zombies, vampires, ghosts, poltergeists and even rusalki. Can you believe that?? A medical school teaching the biology and psychology of a rusalka? They're years ahead of everybody else!