The Audacity of Pope

The Vatican recently released a list of sins so awful that only the pope can forgive you. Given that the pope is a former member of Hitler Youth, I'm just going to wish you good luck and walk away.

Most of the sins are related to the behavior of priests, but surprisingly none of them include the words "little boys" or "rectory." What is included, however, is "defiling the Eucharist." For those of you non-catholics, let me translate - "dropping a cracker." Hell must be easier to get into than Arizona State*.

Needless to say, I (like many other people) consider this list to be lacking. To be honest with you, I don't know what they were thinking. So for your reading pleasure, here are the "real" top 5 pope-forgiveness-exclusive sins:

1. Forgetting the color scheme of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. Eating a Sloppy Joe
3. Attempting to assassinate Montgomery
4. Using the phrase "needless to say" or "to be honest with you"
5. Refusing to kill a zombie because they were previously a family member or friend. She's not your mother any more!

There we go, much better. To me, these things are way more unforgivable than ignoring the confidentiality of confession. Please. If priests can't discuss the crazy stuff people confess to, what will they talk about at their cocktail parties?

Montgomery out.

* this line blatantly modified/plagiarized from The Simpsons, season 10 episode 19