The Eyes Have It
So today I started my ophthalmology rotation, and already I feel glad I didn't choose that as my profession. Don't get me wrong, I like their style. I've always been a fan of gratuitous h's, and their diagnostic equipment looks like a means of slowly murdering british secret agents. My problem is with the subject matter...eyes.
You'd probably think that Montgomery would love the eye, but that's because you're ignorant and likely drunk. Sure it sounds good: affirmative voters, scottish men and sailors all love it. But what your drunk ass doesn't realize is that you're actually thinking of "aye." Lay off the sauce, rummy! You've just been Intervention'd™ (premiering on MTV this fall).
Ophthalmologists actually study eye balls. Normally I'd love any subject which includes the word "balls," but the fact of the matter is that the eyes are the laziest part of the human body. It's like having a couple of union teamsters hanging out in your skull.
Think of all the break time they get! People probably blink an average of 10-15 times per minute, with each blink lasting maybe 300 milliseconds. Giving those lazy bastards the benefit of the doubt, that's 600 blinks an hour for a total of 3 minutes down time every hour. The kids who make my shoes work harder than that!
Ignoring the time you spend passed out in your own vomit, you probably sleep 8 hours a day. That means your eyes spend 8h48m doing god-knows-what in their cosy little sphenoid-cushioned palaces. Get a job!
Most people would probably say my brain is the laziest part of my body, but that's simply not true. I spend most of my days trying to light things on fire with my thoughts which is exhausting, and even when I'm sleeping it treats me to dreams about rowboat trips on Lake Pleasant with strange men who try to make love to me*.
So while I respect ophthalmologists, I do not respect their subject matter. Damn lazy eyeballs. There is one exception, however: Rastafarian eyeballs. They rule. And if you understand that reference, I simultaneously admire and pity you.
* real dream from last night. He didn't succeed.
You'd probably think that Montgomery would love the eye, but that's because you're ignorant and likely drunk. Sure it sounds good: affirmative voters, scottish men and sailors all love it. But what your drunk ass doesn't realize is that you're actually thinking of "aye." Lay off the sauce, rummy! You've just been Intervention'd™ (premiering on MTV this fall).
Ophthalmologists actually study eye balls. Normally I'd love any subject which includes the word "balls," but the fact of the matter is that the eyes are the laziest part of the human body. It's like having a couple of union teamsters hanging out in your skull.
Think of all the break time they get! People probably blink an average of 10-15 times per minute, with each blink lasting maybe 300 milliseconds. Giving those lazy bastards the benefit of the doubt, that's 600 blinks an hour for a total of 3 minutes down time every hour. The kids who make my shoes work harder than that!
Ignoring the time you spend passed out in your own vomit, you probably sleep 8 hours a day. That means your eyes spend 8h48m doing god-knows-what in their cosy little sphenoid-cushioned palaces. Get a job!
Most people would probably say my brain is the laziest part of my body, but that's simply not true. I spend most of my days trying to light things on fire with my thoughts which is exhausting, and even when I'm sleeping it treats me to dreams about rowboat trips on Lake Pleasant with strange men who try to make love to me*.
So while I respect ophthalmologists, I do not respect their subject matter. Damn lazy eyeballs. There is one exception, however: Rastafarian eyeballs. They rule. And if you understand that reference, I simultaneously admire and pity you.
* real dream from last night. He didn't succeed.
posted by Montgomery at 7:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home