That's enough, Justin Bieber
(please note, if you are Justin Bieber or if you've contracted Bieber Fever I'd advise you to stop reading right now. And may god have mercy on your soul)
What's the deal with this kid? He seriously creeps me the hell out. Let's break it down:
1. He is way too young to be singing the things he sings. His first album was released when he was 15, and it contained such songs as One Time, One Less Lonely Girl, and Love Me. You are not old enough to be singing about loving the ladies! Or in his words, "I'm c__ing for you." Inappropriate!
I'm not a stuffy old man, I know that kids are growing up faster these days. And with "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" starring the underage Taylor Lautner, pedophilia is so hot right now. But come on, people. You need to wait until at least Tanner Stage 3 before singing songs about "how many ____ you ______" (his lyrics, not mine).
2. What's with the hair, dude? It looks like you were inspired by Julia Roberts in Hook. But to be fair, who wasn't?
Alternatively, it looks like Captain Caveman is giving birth to your face.
3. Too much collagen in the lips, bra. You're like a slightly more masculine version of Angelina Jolie. Scratch that, she can kick ass. A slightly less masculine version of Angelina Jolie.
4. People have actually been trampled trying to see him. Trampled! Don't get me wrong, I love a good trampling. It's even fun to say...trample. But you've got to save your tramplings for important things, like Apple store openings and iCarly appearances. If you start trampling your friends for every flash-in-the-pan teen pop sensation, they'll lose their meaning. Why do you think we don't run people out of town on a rail anymore?
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There you have it, America. 3 good reasons and 1 mediocre reason to grow bored with Justin Bieber. Sorry, Bieber, it's time for you to spend the rest of eternity in Fólkvangr away from the rest of us.
I managed to mention Justin Bieber, Twilight, Taylor Lautner and iCarly all in one post. Now I just need to sit back and wait for all the unsuspecting tween googlers to be lured into my trap.
What's the deal with this kid? He seriously creeps me the hell out. Let's break it down:
1. He is way too young to be singing the things he sings. His first album was released when he was 15, and it contained such songs as One Time, One Less Lonely Girl, and Love Me. You are not old enough to be singing about loving the ladies! Or in his words, "I'm c__ing for you." Inappropriate!
I'm not a stuffy old man, I know that kids are growing up faster these days. And with "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" starring the underage Taylor Lautner, pedophilia is so hot right now. But come on, people. You need to wait until at least Tanner Stage 3 before singing songs about "how many ____ you ______" (his lyrics, not mine).
2. What's with the hair, dude? It looks like you were inspired by Julia Roberts in Hook. But to be fair, who wasn't?
Alternatively, it looks like Captain Caveman is giving birth to your face.
3. Too much collagen in the lips, bra. You're like a slightly more masculine version of Angelina Jolie. Scratch that, she can kick ass. A slightly less masculine version of Angelina Jolie.
4. People have actually been trampled trying to see him. Trampled! Don't get me wrong, I love a good trampling. It's even fun to say...trample. But you've got to save your tramplings for important things, like Apple store openings and iCarly appearances. If you start trampling your friends for every flash-in-the-pan teen pop sensation, they'll lose their meaning. Why do you think we don't run people out of town on a rail anymore?
-----
There you have it, America. 3 good reasons and 1 mediocre reason to grow bored with Justin Bieber. Sorry, Bieber, it's time for you to spend the rest of eternity in Fólkvangr away from the rest of us.
I managed to mention Justin Bieber, Twilight, Taylor Lautner and iCarly all in one post. Now I just need to sit back and wait for all the unsuspecting tween googlers to be lured into my trap.
posted by Montgomery at 2:44 PM
2 Comments:
I googled "pedophilia", "Bieber Fever", and Julia Roberts in a bra, and this is where I ended up.
You didn't find the Bieber-Roberts sex tape? You must've had a typo.
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