The Easter Bunny laid an egg

Let me educate all you pagans out there: last Sunday was Easter Sunday - a day commemorating zombie Jesus clawing his way out of his tomb to feast on human brains...and sins. Wait, isn't Easter a pagan holiday to begin with? Shoot, I didn't teach anybody anything.

Anyway, Legal Counsel and I celebrated Holy Saturday by driving to Florence, AZ and watching her niece/nephews indulge in a free Easter ellipsoid hunt put on by a local church. The eggs were not real eggs, since nobody likes the crushing realization that their minutes of fun have only resulted in a basket full of off-color hard-boiled eggs. And they didn't contain candy because candy is the devil. No, these eggs contained toys...special toys.

The church advertised that they would "fill the park with 10,000 eggs." That statement should have triggered the realization that they were going for quantity over quality. The toys were terrible. There were pogs folded in half to fit in the egg, thus ruining any pog potential, or pogtential. There was a button that I'm pretty sure had a picture of Joey McIntyre on it. There were creepy monsters sculpted of the cheapest plastic possible, likely carcinogenic. And everything else looked both cheap and used, like D-Rock's mom.

Basically the eggs were stuffed with toys that would have been kicked out of the Island of Misfit Toys. But for me, the highlight were the patches. You see, some of the eggs contained iron-on patches that looked more worn-out than D-Rock's mom. See for yourself:



See what I mean? Here's the rundown:

• "Store Manager" - for all those kids who dream of one day managing a store
• "Run for your life, United States Army, 100 mile club" - way more difficult to join than the mile high club
• "Southwest" - for fans of the cheapest airline around
• "UAW 235" - for kids dreaming of working for American Axle in Hamtramck, MI
• "Arkansas Air Courier" - when you absolutely need to get a crate of hog jowls from Little Rock to Fort Smith within 72 hours, choose Arkansas Air Courier
• "Dover/Davenport" - finally a patch displaying my favorite city in Deleware and my least favorite city in Iowa
• "Eastern" - an airline that went out of business in 1991 (to be fair, it was at one time the official airline of Walt Disney World)

And my personal favorite:

• "Chevron Eastern Region So. East Division Safety Award" - need I say more?

Who would possibly think these are good prizes for children? I'm pretty sure the church placed an order with a meth addict, who subsequently spent all the money on meth and filled the eggs with garbage. Then when he ran out of garbage he started ripping patches off his bomber jacket. Twas a sad day indeed.