St. Johns Thwart
That 9-year-old double murderer kid agreed to a plea today. Charged with murdering his father and another man "cough"zombies*cough*, he plead to Negligent Homicide. Many of you may be confused by this plea, but that's largely because alcoholic cirrhosis has turned your brains into nothing more than intricate sponges.
However, I'm married to an attorney which I believe makes me more than qualified to explain it (I also believe it means I only have to obey federal laws, but that's a story for another day). You see, this is negligent homicide because he neglected to not murder two people.
Surprisingly, there are numerous examples of this kind of plea throughout history. For example, in 1975 Faisal bin Musa'id plead guilty to negligent regicide and was subsequently beheaded. More recently, I signed a guilty plea for negligent practicing-law-without-a-license...the original charges were public drunkenness and indecent exposure.
As part of the plea, this kid isn't allowed to enroll in any school until a hearing determines whether or not he is a threat, since what this kid really needs is free time. And is this even a punishment? Why not sentence him to 50 hours of community service at the local Charles Edward Cheeseman's Pizza Establishment (formerly Chuck E. Cheese™)?
All jokes aside, I won't tell you my opinions on this case since my opinions don't matter any more than yours. Well maybe more than your opinion because I can go without alcohol for more than 2 hours and hold a paying job*, but certainly no more than the general public.
However, as leading Constitutional Scholar on this blog I must say this case sets a dangerous precedent. This plea opens the door for a whole new generation of perfectly legal pre-pubescent assassins. You won't even have to pay them: just let 'em know that if they succeed they'll get a free vacation from school. Of course failure mandates seppuku, but that's a chance most 9-year-olds are willing to take.
Mark my words, child assassin training camps will soon be springing up all over the state. These so-called child-assins (wow that doesn't sound right) will carry out the wrath of vengeful citizens the world over. And our only defense will be the threat of brussels sprouts, homework and chores. FSM help us all...
* only one of these things is true
However, I'm married to an attorney which I believe makes me more than qualified to explain it (I also believe it means I only have to obey federal laws, but that's a story for another day). You see, this is negligent homicide because he neglected to not murder two people.
Surprisingly, there are numerous examples of this kind of plea throughout history. For example, in 1975 Faisal bin Musa'id plead guilty to negligent regicide and was subsequently beheaded. More recently, I signed a guilty plea for negligent practicing-law-without-a-license...the original charges were public drunkenness and indecent exposure.
As part of the plea, this kid isn't allowed to enroll in any school until a hearing determines whether or not he is a threat, since what this kid really needs is free time. And is this even a punishment? Why not sentence him to 50 hours of community service at the local Charles Edward Cheeseman's Pizza Establishment (formerly Chuck E. Cheese™)?
All jokes aside, I won't tell you my opinions on this case since my opinions don't matter any more than yours. Well maybe more than your opinion because I can go without alcohol for more than 2 hours and hold a paying job*, but certainly no more than the general public.
However, as leading Constitutional Scholar on this blog I must say this case sets a dangerous precedent. This plea opens the door for a whole new generation of perfectly legal pre-pubescent assassins. You won't even have to pay them: just let 'em know that if they succeed they'll get a free vacation from school. Of course failure mandates seppuku, but that's a chance most 9-year-olds are willing to take.
Mark my words, child assassin training camps will soon be springing up all over the state. These so-called child-assins (wow that doesn't sound right) will carry out the wrath of vengeful citizens the world over. And our only defense will be the threat of brussels sprouts, homework and chores. FSM help us all...
* only one of these things is true
posted by Montgomery at 7:11 PM
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