The Ballad of Walt Flannigan

I like dispensing nicknames. Sometimes they stick; see D-Rock and Wi-Fi. Sometimes they stick so well that it replaces that person's name entirely; see Bear. And sometimes they are so well loved that they leave my control and form an independent consciousness. I present to you: Walt Flannigan.

One day, fellow student Andrew Duarte asked why he had never been given a nickname. This came after I referred to D-Rock, wi-Fi, Ah Jota and Bees by their nicknames. I sensed a little jealousy. I had to explain that his nickname would evolve too quickly for me to control (a premonition of things to come). I described what would happen, "First, I'd call you DeWalt. I'd spend a brief amount of time referring to you as a tool, then I'd feel bad. DeWalt would become Walt and Walt would obviously become Walt Flannigan." I don't know why I said that name, but I did.

It immediately took off. Walt Flannigan became the name on everyone's lips. It spread like wildfire. But it quickly became more than a nickname. It became an identity. We (and by "we" I mean mostly D-Rock, Montgomery and Wally himself) started developing a backstory for old Walt Flannigan. Duarte no longer existed. There was only Walt.

Here's the basic story on Walt. The one word that describes him best is "grizzled." His past is mostly a mystery and he's pretty angry at...everything. He lives in a cabin in the woods with his unnamed wife. She's only known as Mrs. Flannigan. She nags him frequently with such phrases as "Wally! Take out the trash!" She's sounds like Edith Bunker. She's the only person in the world able to call him Wally without receiving severe spinal injury.

We've only been able to piece togethers mall bits of his life. Here's the list so far:

• He isn't one fer book learnin'


• He did 2 tours in 'Nam, but won't talk about it


• Keeps a squad of Taiwanese hookers in his tool shed. Mrs. Flannigan may or may not know.


• Is a registered member of the Bullmoose Party, but refuses to vote


• Doesn't wash his hands. Ever.


• Only shops at Home Depot. Even for food and clothes


• Doesn't cotton to "city types"


• Only scores a 12 on the Glasgow Coma Scale


• Drives a 1994 Chevy Pickup Crew Cab with a camper shell


• Is a kindergarten teacher


• Buys a newspaper every day just to read Marmaduke


• Is a Practicing Buddhist


• Solves all his problems with a shovel and length of rope


• Always wears a holster containing a gun, even when totally naked


• Is waiting for decisions in no less than 8 lawsuits


• Favorite movie is Pootie Tang


• Middle initial is P, but nobody knows what it stands for. not even him


• His life motto is "Corpses tell no lies"


• Wears only flannel

We've come up with lots more than that. Those are just the snippets I've written down. He also has a theme song. It sounds a little like the "Davy Crockett" song.

But the story doesn't end there. Old Walt left a legacy with his son, Chauncey Flannigan (which must be said in an English accent). Chauncey was born when Duarte came into class with most of his facial hair shaved off, making him look roughly 30 years younger. Walt hates Chauncey.

Chauncey was completely home schooled (graduated valedictorian of Flannigan High School, class of 1995). Mrs. Flannigan taught most of the "traditional" subjects - math, english, etc. Walt would step in to teach him "useful" skills such as skinning, leather curing, trap building and hooker seducing. Despite his home schooled background, Chauncey went to Oxford. Most say that his father pulled some strings, but nobody knows what strings he would have pulled. Threats are much more likely. Walt says he sent him away to "get little Lord Fauntleroy out of my hair," but most believe he wanted Chauncey to have the opportunities Walt never had.

You can see why Walt hates Chauncey - book learned city boy. But it can also be saidthat Chauncey hates Walt. Years of emotional abuse have left Chauncey with a deep rooted hatred for his father. But at the same time, he loves and respects him, secretly wanting to be like him. Almost everything Chauncey does reflects this hatred/respect for his father. He wears suits, but only with Red Wing boots. He's a CPA living in Grafton, Vermont but he too lives in a cabin in the woods. Like his father he has facial hair, but it is much less.

Here's a few tidbits about Chauncey:

• Doesn't respect anybody, except zombies (his greatest fear)


• Loves to watch Lingo


• Wakes up every morning to "I ran" by Flock of Seagulls

And thus you have a picture of my bizarre med school life. Here's a picture of the muse that inspired this post: