It's the freakin' weekend, I'm about to have me part 1
I had something to write about today, but I forgot what it was. I suppose I'll just recount the weekend.
Saturday morning, I studied for my physio test. I forced myself to study because Legal Counsel was away at traffic school. I knew that as soon as she finished she'd force me to study harder and whip me for not accomplishing enough . It sounds like traffic school is an excellent use of time and resources that helps people drive better. Although she said that at one point the class just devolved into the students attacking the bicycler for all the things bikers do wrong. I wish I was there. So jealous. It sounded like he had all the typical biker excuses: "I don't care about road safety" "I should be allowed to swerve in front of the 3000lb (1360kg) killing machine" "They gave us a specific lane but I don't wanna use it!" "I want people to get hurt." Jerks...
So she finished around 3 and I totally gave up studying for the rest o' the day. I decided a better use of my time would be to go to the gem and mineral show. If you're not in the lapidary circles like myself, let me tell you: Tucson loves things that are pulled out of the ground, then shaped and polished. This means gems, minerals, fossils, and potato sculptures. At the end of January and beginning of February, all of Tucson's hotels, convention centers and skate parks are taken over by mineralogists and gemologists. And you can't get them to leave until they want because they learned to fight from...(wait for it)...Rocky.
The show was pretty cool. When I mean "show" I really mean "collection of vendors trapped in booths trying to sell their way to freedom." The first area I saw was the "Amber Zone" - I was immediately on Amber Alert. I wanted to buy some amber with a bug trapped in it, preferrably affixed to the head of a cane, a la Jurassic Park. They had the bug amber, but no canes. I didn't look at the prices for a chunk of prehistoric flypaper, but I assumed it wasn't worth it. So I stole one.
Next we walked through an area of southwest jewelry. Both Legal Counsel and I agreed - southwest jewelry is ugly. Not only ugly, but fugly. Butt fugly. Massive chunks of turquoise crudely attached to vast slabs of silver carved and bent around your wrist do not a bracelet make. It's like somebody set Santino free in a jewelry store. It makes Arizona and its less important neighbors look bad. We need a new trademark jewelry style. Might I recommend Trace Adkins-style four finger rings? Or we can put the southwest touch on an old favorite: silver knuckles.
Next we took a stroll through Bead Alley. So...many...beads. It was interesting. And I couldn't stop taking my shirt off. Doug Stanhope followed me around with a steel drum. And Snoop Dog taped it.
The next leg of our epic journey was through Precious Gem Row. Tons of diamonds, sapphires, topazes, emeralds, quartz and amethyst. And also tons of Foreigners. I felt like I had Double Vision. All the dealers were from Brazil or Italy or Japan or New York or London. I was hoping to here this (in a strong accent):
The last stop was the carved stone area in the back - my personal favorite. Stonware kitchen stuff, sculptures, fossils, ways to kill Piggy, stone boxes, etc. All pretty cheap, too. Legal Counsel got some cool fish bookends and we got Areenos some cool looking oil incense candle holders with Ganesha carved into the side. I wanted to get a stone mortar and pestle for a low, low price. Why would I get that, you ask? 1. They're cool 2. I can pretend to be an alchemist C. I can try to make my salsa using the Guadalajara Grill Method. But I didn't get them because they were too small. Oh well, I shouldn't be spending money anyway. So instead I bought the $15,000 slab of petrified wood.
That's all for now. Stay tuned to read about the festivities of that evening and about the most adorable event in sports history.
Saturday morning, I studied for my physio test. I forced myself to study because Legal Counsel was away at traffic school. I knew that as soon as she finished she'd force me to study harder and whip me for not accomplishing enough . It sounds like traffic school is an excellent use of time and resources that helps people drive better. Although she said that at one point the class just devolved into the students attacking the bicycler for all the things bikers do wrong. I wish I was there. So jealous. It sounded like he had all the typical biker excuses: "I don't care about road safety" "I should be allowed to swerve in front of the 3000lb (1360kg) killing machine" "They gave us a specific lane but I don't wanna use it!" "I want people to get hurt." Jerks...
So she finished around 3 and I totally gave up studying for the rest o' the day. I decided a better use of my time would be to go to the gem and mineral show. If you're not in the lapidary circles like myself, let me tell you: Tucson loves things that are pulled out of the ground, then shaped and polished. This means gems, minerals, fossils, and potato sculptures. At the end of January and beginning of February, all of Tucson's hotels, convention centers and skate parks are taken over by mineralogists and gemologists. And you can't get them to leave until they want because they learned to fight from...(wait for it)...Rocky.
The show was pretty cool. When I mean "show" I really mean "collection of vendors trapped in booths trying to sell their way to freedom." The first area I saw was the "Amber Zone" - I was immediately on Amber Alert. I wanted to buy some amber with a bug trapped in it, preferrably affixed to the head of a cane, a la Jurassic Park. They had the bug amber, but no canes. I didn't look at the prices for a chunk of prehistoric flypaper, but I assumed it wasn't worth it. So I stole one.
Next we walked through an area of southwest jewelry. Both Legal Counsel and I agreed - southwest jewelry is ugly. Not only ugly, but fugly. Butt fugly. Massive chunks of turquoise crudely attached to vast slabs of silver carved and bent around your wrist do not a bracelet make. It's like somebody set Santino free in a jewelry store. It makes Arizona and its less important neighbors look bad. We need a new trademark jewelry style. Might I recommend Trace Adkins-style four finger rings? Or we can put the southwest touch on an old favorite: silver knuckles.
Next we took a stroll through Bead Alley. So...many...beads. It was interesting. And I couldn't stop taking my shirt off. Doug Stanhope followed me around with a steel drum. And Snoop Dog taped it.
The next leg of our epic journey was through Precious Gem Row. Tons of diamonds, sapphires, topazes, emeralds, quartz and amethyst. And also tons of Foreigners. I felt like I had Double Vision. All the dealers were from Brazil or Italy or Japan or New York or London. I was hoping to here this (in a strong accent):
A moissanite is an artificial diamond, Lincoln. It's Mickey Mouse, man. Spurious. Not genuine. And it's worth... Fuck-all.But it didn't happen. There are some really nice deals on stones, though. Check it out if you need something in which to trap a demon or channel your powers.
The last stop was the carved stone area in the back - my personal favorite. Stonware kitchen stuff, sculptures, fossils, ways to kill Piggy, stone boxes, etc. All pretty cheap, too. Legal Counsel got some cool fish bookends and we got Areenos some cool looking oil incense candle holders with Ganesha carved into the side. I wanted to get a stone mortar and pestle for a low, low price. Why would I get that, you ask? 1. They're cool 2. I can pretend to be an alchemist C. I can try to make my salsa using the Guadalajara Grill Method. But I didn't get them because they were too small. Oh well, I shouldn't be spending money anyway. So instead I bought the $15,000 slab of petrified wood.
That's all for now. Stay tuned to read about the festivities of that evening and about the most adorable event in sports history.
posted by Montgomery at 7:56 AM
5 Comments:
I have to ask Colan, are you referencing Santino from Project Runway, the "hit Bravo fashion reality show"? If so, your media awareness both astounds me and sets of my gaydar just a little bit...
The very same Santino, hehe. Do you watch the hit fashion reality show? It's great, isn't it?? I want Daniel to win, or maybe Nick. And I'm sure I've set off your gaydar (and that of many others) before now.
I like Nick too! And I really don't like Santino - he's such a, I don't know, pompous jackass, or something. I only watch it sometimes - I always forget when it's on. Ahhh... thank god for Tivo. And don't worry... there's a certain Larkitect who refers to himself as "38%" gay.
I'm still upset about the show...How dare that Santino bitch lie on television! I hope Heidi eats his soul!
Lay off Santino! Well, just a little. He's still a lying ass. I used to hate him more, but now I think he's funny. He shouldn't win, but it's okay if he sticks around for comic relief.
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