Jury Doodie

Somehow all the safety measures failed and Legal Counsel was allowed on a jury. I really don't know how, she has so many strikes against her.

1. She's a law student
     (a) she has interned in prosecution
          I. she's doing it again this summer 
             with capital litigation
     (b) she wants to continue with prosecution 
          after graduating
2. She's been the victim of a crime (stolen car, 
    to be specific)
3. She has friends and family in law 
    enforcement
4. She practices vigilante justice with a mask, cape, 
    utility belt and sword
     (a) she killed a guy just for littering
5. Her first words upon entering the court were, 
    "Let's fry this sucker."

So I don't know why either lawyer chose her, especially the defense. It's never good when members of the jury are smarter than counsel. I think they were both gambling that she would side with them, and her specific knowledge would allow her to sway the remaining jury members. A bold move.

They always say that it's a "jury of your peers." Is a well educated law student (who has to pass a character fitness section of the Bar) really the peer of a criminal? Wouldn't the peer of...oh, I don't know...a guy who kills people and stores their organs in hollowed out pumpkins be other guys who practice gourd mummification? To solve this problem, i looked up the definition of "peer." The number one definition of peer n. in my dictionary widget is:

a member of the nobility in Britain or Ireland, comprising the ranks of Duke, marquess, earl, viscount, and baron

Well there you have it. If you commit a crime, your life is in the hands of the Earl of Salisbury.

I'm not sure exactly what I can say about the case without violating privacy (although this guy's got different kinds of violation to worry about now), so I'll use the medical presentation style.

Defendant Z.M., a French Citizen, was arrested on or around 16 August 2001 and charged with immigration violation. Upon further investigation, new evidence was discovered. Additional charges were filed including conspiracy to commit terrorism and taking candy from babies.

It's a pretty small case and it wasn't publicized, you've probably never heard of it. I think the guy knows Areenos, though. Can you imagine being a juror in that case?? How would the defense find unbiased jurors? "Do you live in a cave as a hermit?" Damn. "Do you love America?" Damn "Will you cut us a break?" Damn. "I found this briefcase full of cash - did you drop it? Wink"

I'd like to say that this is the first time anybody I know has been on a trial that wasn't a DUI. Whenever other people get summons'd, it's a DUI every time. Those cases have the best defenses: "I ate some bread," "It makes me drive better," "Damn it, I'm a Kennedy!" Legal Counsel's case went on for three days - again, the longest jury duty stint I've ever heard of. She hit the jury jackpot.

Her case broke down to he said/she said and the Chewbacca defense. She found the defendant guilty on three counts and not guilty on three counts. Both lawyers did a cartoony double take and their eyes bugged out. Legal Counsel knew that you can't convict a guy for assault if the "victim" doesn't know they're being assaulted. That's what you get for putting a lawyer on the jury. He was convicted of assault for the other victims and for felony in possession of a firearm. He's probably not going to a White Collar Resort Prison. More like a Federal Pound-me-in-the-ass prison. No conjugal visits.

The following week I got to play defendant in Legal Counsel's Trial Advocacy final. She and J-Bone kicked ass. Too bad the jury decision was just a "who's friends with who" decision. And based on the contract in dispute, I was pretty much boned from the beginning. Especially with a jury full of lawyers. So despite being better at examining the witnesses, making objections, making opening/closing statements, entering Xzibit into evidence and having a better presence, J-Bone and Legal Counsel lost. To be fair, the opposing counsel did have matching ties. So they had that going for them, which is nice. It was a civil trial...bo-ring.

The solution to all these jury and trial issues: Judge Dredd.