On Soccer and Shish Kebabs
The stage was set. Clashing factions met on the laminated-wood battlefield, one-legged plastic armies poised to deliver the red polyurethane sphere into the hearts of their enemies. Glistening steel rods reflected the determination of the combatants, shining with the pureness of their very souls. Each had one goal in mind: be the first to five. Each "click" of the wooden shields was one step closer to victory, or one step closer to defeat. The tension was palpable. Those present were ready to snap at a moments notice. Muscles twitched in anticipation. Unblinking eyes focused intently on that table. And it began.
It was over almost as quickly as it began. A blur of red, black and yellow was all that could be seen...at least to the untrained eye. To the hardened veterans observing the carnage, it all moved in slow motion. Every move so precise, every decision so meticulous. A display of skill nine months in the making, as though this point had been gestating since the men first met. A paternity test of talent, with each contestant hoping to be the father.
But in the end, only one team could win. One duo would arise from the blood and ashes to claim victory. Dripping with sweat and elation, they would proudly proclaim themselves as champions. Their names to be carved into the purest of metals mounted upon most sacred wood, proudly proclaiming their victory.
It was over. A baby cried in the distance. As the smoke cleared, two men emerged. Who were these gods among men, you ask? D-Rock and Montgomery.
That's right: Yours Truly, in conjuction with Rockington Worchester Smythe, claimed victory in the 2006 University of Arizona College of Medicine Foosball Doubles Tournament. Our names will be commemorated on a plaque in the student lounge for all eternity. It was a glorious day.
Semi-finals: best of 3. After a slow start against Devin and Jimmy, we came back to defeat them 2-1 in the series. Wait, that isn't fair. Replace "a slow start" with "Montgomery playing like absolute crap" in that sentence. D-Rock tried to salvage the flmaing wreckage that was my gameplay, but we still lost. But I got my act together to win the next two games. We even skunked 'em in the last game (skunk = 5-0 victory).
After a Sausage Deli lunch break, we came back for the finals: best of 5. The case of Montgomery/D-Rock v Ah Jota/Honey Bees (539 US 558). In a rarely seen unanimous 9-0 decision, the Supreme Foosball Court found in favor of Montgomery/D-Rock. Skunked the first game, defeated in the next two, Ah Jota and Honey Bees hung their heads and left the room. We won!
That is one of the proudest days in my life. Top 5, at least. When I start applying for residencies, I'm putting "2006 UA CoM Foosball Doubles Champion" under Awards & Nominations. I want to work at a place that appreciates that accomplishment. And I've been told that pediatrics, internal medicine and family medicine places enjoy unique stuff like that.
You might not appreciate the importance of foosball. Besides being the game of kings, it also builds hand-eye coordination. The Department of Statistics Montgomery Pulled Out of His Ass released a study saying foosball playing doctors perform 67% better than non-foos docs. Further, I was reading Highlights for Kids magazine (shut up), and they interviewed a neurosurgeon. He said he built his coordination by playing foosball in college, and they even named a move after him. So take that.
Speaking of naming moves, we do that all the time. Here's a list of some of the most popular names for stuff:
Allan Serve: giving the ball to the other team on the serve. Allan's signature move.
Armegeddon: scoring a goal while singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith
Asian Wall Pass: passing the ball to your next row by bouncing it off the wall
Buzz saw: a shot which bounces off the defender, but goes into the goal because of the crazy amount of spin pushing it forward again
Change-up: scoring with a very slow moving shot. Adds insult to injury.
Colanization: scoring with one quick shot right off the serve. My signature move. Aka "the boo shot"
Deep Impact: being scored on while singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith
DGP: Double Game Point; score of 4-4; next shot wins
Dyerhea: accidentally scoring on yourself. Ah Jota's signature move (his last name is Dyer)
Going Allan: random spinning and hitting (and often swearing) with no thought or planning. Typical of Allan at any time, arises in others during moments of frustration.
Grundle: pinching the ball behind your player, then squeezing it forward to give it mad spin and mad speed
The Jeremy: putting all your weight on the rod as you take a swing, bending it in the process. Jerk. Usually followed by a totally accidental goal and the phrase, "It's not an accident if you practice"
The Jimmy Deere: passing back and forth between goalie row and full back row, ended with a quick shot from the goalie row. Obviously, Jimmy's signature move. If the shot is from the full back row, it's a "Reverse Jimmy Deere"
Pinch: bouncing the ball off the wall directly adjacent to the goal, at which point it bounces off the goalies back and into the goal. Pioneered by Devin. My favorite shot.
Plinko: a shot from one goalie across the field bouncing off of multiple players along the way and into the goal.
Rock-a-Bye: bouncing the ball back and forth until the defender "falls asleep," then scoring
The Rollover: pinching the ball in front of your player, then rolling it over as you smack it hard. A very difficult move. Used mostly by 2nd years, Devin and AJ.
Sawa: reaching onto the table to move the ball with your hands. Devin's signature move.
Sex Panther: like Colanization, but the ball has to soar through the air and into the goal. So named because "60% of the time, it works every time"
The Stossel: Scoring while using your crossed middle and index fingers to create a John Stossel-esque mustache on your face
The Stinger: hitting the ball as hard as you can from the goalie row, sometimes scoring on the opponent, sometime on yourself. Honey Bees signature move.
Trash: an unplanned score. Aka slop aka garbage
Whitey Wall Pass: a straight pass up the field along the wall. No style or spice.
That might get updated - I probably forgot some. We name things constantly because it's amusing.
Speaking of amusing, we got a laugh out of a kid in the room during the semi-finals. It was some 8-10 year old watching us play. This is what transpired:
AJ: Is your name Max?
Kid: No. (hereafter he will be referred to as Max)
AJ: Would you like it to be?
Max: Not really.
Somebody: What're you up to?
Max: My mom's a fourth year. I'm waiting for her to finish giving a talk.
And then there was some idle chit chat. Later, his mom showed up and they started to leave the room.
AJ: Bye, Max.
Mom: (quizzical look) Did you just call him Max?
AJ: Yeah
Mom: Why?
AJ: He told us his name was Max.
Mom: (to us) His name is Caleb.
Mom: (to Max) Did you tell them your name was Max? Why would you do that?
Max: I didn't...(look of panic; attempts to clarify)
Mom: Let's go. (possible annoyance)
They leave.
Us: He didn't really...
But I don't think she heard us. We got worried that the poor Max was going to get grounded, beaten or punished in some other way. Oh well. That's life, Max.
All in all, a very fun and amusing day. Oh, and if you see me around, try not to bow. I'll get embarrassed.
...I need to see the 1981 film Long Shot
It was over almost as quickly as it began. A blur of red, black and yellow was all that could be seen...at least to the untrained eye. To the hardened veterans observing the carnage, it all moved in slow motion. Every move so precise, every decision so meticulous. A display of skill nine months in the making, as though this point had been gestating since the men first met. A paternity test of talent, with each contestant hoping to be the father.
But in the end, only one team could win. One duo would arise from the blood and ashes to claim victory. Dripping with sweat and elation, they would proudly proclaim themselves as champions. Their names to be carved into the purest of metals mounted upon most sacred wood, proudly proclaiming their victory.
It was over. A baby cried in the distance. As the smoke cleared, two men emerged. Who were these gods among men, you ask? D-Rock and Montgomery.
That's right: Yours Truly, in conjuction with Rockington Worchester Smythe, claimed victory in the 2006 University of Arizona College of Medicine Foosball Doubles Tournament. Our names will be commemorated on a plaque in the student lounge for all eternity. It was a glorious day.
Semi-finals: best of 3. After a slow start against Devin and Jimmy, we came back to defeat them 2-1 in the series. Wait, that isn't fair. Replace "a slow start" with "Montgomery playing like absolute crap" in that sentence. D-Rock tried to salvage the flmaing wreckage that was my gameplay, but we still lost. But I got my act together to win the next two games. We even skunked 'em in the last game (skunk = 5-0 victory).
After a Sausage Deli lunch break, we came back for the finals: best of 5. The case of Montgomery/D-Rock v Ah Jota/Honey Bees (539 US 558). In a rarely seen unanimous 9-0 decision, the Supreme Foosball Court found in favor of Montgomery/D-Rock. Skunked the first game, defeated in the next two, Ah Jota and Honey Bees hung their heads and left the room. We won!
That is one of the proudest days in my life. Top 5, at least. When I start applying for residencies, I'm putting "2006 UA CoM Foosball Doubles Champion" under Awards & Nominations. I want to work at a place that appreciates that accomplishment. And I've been told that pediatrics, internal medicine and family medicine places enjoy unique stuff like that.
You might not appreciate the importance of foosball. Besides being the game of kings, it also builds hand-eye coordination. The Department of Statistics Montgomery Pulled Out of His Ass released a study saying foosball playing doctors perform 67% better than non-foos docs. Further, I was reading Highlights for Kids magazine (shut up), and they interviewed a neurosurgeon. He said he built his coordination by playing foosball in college, and they even named a move after him. So take that.
Speaking of naming moves, we do that all the time. Here's a list of some of the most popular names for stuff:
Allan Serve: giving the ball to the other team on the serve. Allan's signature move.
Armegeddon: scoring a goal while singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith
Asian Wall Pass: passing the ball to your next row by bouncing it off the wall
Buzz saw: a shot which bounces off the defender, but goes into the goal because of the crazy amount of spin pushing it forward again
Change-up: scoring with a very slow moving shot. Adds insult to injury.
Colanization: scoring with one quick shot right off the serve. My signature move. Aka "the boo shot"
Deep Impact: being scored on while singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith
DGP: Double Game Point; score of 4-4; next shot wins
Dyerhea: accidentally scoring on yourself. Ah Jota's signature move (his last name is Dyer)
Going Allan: random spinning and hitting (and often swearing) with no thought or planning. Typical of Allan at any time, arises in others during moments of frustration.
Grundle: pinching the ball behind your player, then squeezing it forward to give it mad spin and mad speed
The Jeremy: putting all your weight on the rod as you take a swing, bending it in the process. Jerk. Usually followed by a totally accidental goal and the phrase, "It's not an accident if you practice"
The Jimmy Deere: passing back and forth between goalie row and full back row, ended with a quick shot from the goalie row. Obviously, Jimmy's signature move. If the shot is from the full back row, it's a "Reverse Jimmy Deere"
Pinch: bouncing the ball off the wall directly adjacent to the goal, at which point it bounces off the goalies back and into the goal. Pioneered by Devin. My favorite shot.
Plinko: a shot from one goalie across the field bouncing off of multiple players along the way and into the goal.
Rock-a-Bye: bouncing the ball back and forth until the defender "falls asleep," then scoring
The Rollover: pinching the ball in front of your player, then rolling it over as you smack it hard. A very difficult move. Used mostly by 2nd years, Devin and AJ.
Sawa: reaching onto the table to move the ball with your hands. Devin's signature move.
Sex Panther: like Colanization, but the ball has to soar through the air and into the goal. So named because "60% of the time, it works every time"
The Stossel: Scoring while using your crossed middle and index fingers to create a John Stossel-esque mustache on your face
The Stinger: hitting the ball as hard as you can from the goalie row, sometimes scoring on the opponent, sometime on yourself. Honey Bees signature move.
Trash: an unplanned score. Aka slop aka garbage
Whitey Wall Pass: a straight pass up the field along the wall. No style or spice.
That might get updated - I probably forgot some. We name things constantly because it's amusing.
Speaking of amusing, we got a laugh out of a kid in the room during the semi-finals. It was some 8-10 year old watching us play. This is what transpired:
AJ: Is your name Max?
Kid: No. (hereafter he will be referred to as Max)
AJ: Would you like it to be?
Max: Not really.
Somebody: What're you up to?
Max: My mom's a fourth year. I'm waiting for her to finish giving a talk.
And then there was some idle chit chat. Later, his mom showed up and they started to leave the room.
AJ: Bye, Max.
Mom: (quizzical look) Did you just call him Max?
AJ: Yeah
Mom: Why?
AJ: He told us his name was Max.
Mom: (to us) His name is Caleb.
Mom: (to Max) Did you tell them your name was Max? Why would you do that?
Max: I didn't...(look of panic; attempts to clarify)
Mom: Let's go. (possible annoyance)
They leave.
Us: He didn't really...
But I don't think she heard us. We got worried that the poor Max was going to get grounded, beaten or punished in some other way. Oh well. That's life, Max.
All in all, a very fun and amusing day. Oh, and if you see me around, try not to bow. I'll get embarrassed.
...I need to see the 1981 film Long Shot
posted by Montgomery at 3:10 PM
1 Comments:
So I'm a nerd...of course I looked up 539 US 558 on Westlaw. And of course it's Lawrence v. Texas: the landmark Supreme Court decision declaring sodomy between two consensual males "OK!"
As in "Have at it, boys!"
That's my Monty...chuckle.
Post a Comment
<< Home