Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Last week we had a most excellent talk on childhood obesity. As a matter of fact, obesity is a subject that comes up constantly in medical school. But this makes sense, since obesity is usually cited as the second leading contributor to morbidity and mortality behind smoking. The main difference between the two is that overeating in public won't make everybody think you're an asshole.

So we spend lots of time talking about obesity: how it effects health (did you know it can cause incontinence?), what causes it (did you know that overeating and inactivity can lead to weight gain?), and how we can prevent it. And it's always that last one that turns out to be the most tricky. Obesity rates are constantly rising, and most anti-obesity programs end up failing. It's a problem without an obvious solution.

But the boys at the Montgomery Road Institute of Health Sciences (NAMBLA) have devised a solution. A success where all others have failed. A solution guaranteed to end all concern about the "obesity epidemic." A solution easy enough to be implemented with no cost to tax payers. A solution so simple it can be broken down to one word:

Hedonism.

That's right, hedonism. From dictionary.com:

he·don·ism [heed-n-iz-uhm] –noun
1. the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good.
2. devotion to pleasure as a way of life

If we as a culture were to embrace hedonism, all of our concerns over obesity would disappear. You're not "overweight," you just "know how to live well." In fact, concerns about most things would disappear. Life would be good.

Think about it for a minute and I'm sure you'll embrace my ideology. Childhood obesity is diagnosed based on weight percentile. As a doctor I'd be proud to say, "your son is around the 50th percentile, which is totally normal," even when he weighs 350* at age 8**. It's hard to tell a kid he's overweight when all his friends have got him beat by a buck fifty. It'll finally be a good thing to be "below average."

And all that social stigma associated with obesity would disappear. It's hard to mock the fatty when you're staring down a half ton of man meat. Packs of chubs would roam the playgrounds, hunting down the skinny kids. You know, until they get winded and have to take a Cheetos break.

And it's not just kids that would benefit. Adults would have tons (no pun intended) of free time, since they no longer have to exercise. Oh wait, that's already true. Well, they'd feel better about themselves anyway. Skinny models would be banished to the pages of Mad and Cracked and Big Game Hunter. People would stop judging each other based on appearance.

And think of how good the public health statistics would look. People would say, "Before Montgomery came around, HIV was killing 0.05% of the population every year. Now it's only killing 0.0000001% (by volume). He's a hero!" Plus, they'd be too busy scarfing down fries to realize it's because people are falling dead of MIs before the HIV can finish its work. Muahaha!

Hedonism can solve more than obesity, mind you. With everybody out having a good time, most of our problems would disappear. International violence? Gone. School shootings? Nope. Unemployment? Constant consumption means constant job demand. Cancellation of Futurama and Arrested Development? Not if I have anything to say about it! But I'm speaking out of my element. I'll leave that assessment to my colleagues in economics, agriculture, politics, and broadcasting.

We'll all live like kings. Fat, smelly, disgusting kings!

Just think it over, would ya? If you'll excuse me, I've got a deep fried Twinkie™ to re-fry...



*kilograms
**months