Mind Bullets!

The following is a true story...and a warning.

The other day, I was driving around Tucson minding my own business. Well, technically I was throwing garbage at school children and listening to The Bangles at an obnoxious volume. But I certainly wasn't disturbing other drivers...unless you consider randomly slamming on my brakes and swerving between lanes to be "disturbing." Which you probably do. Okay, so I'm a horrible person and an even worse driver. You happy now?

But this time it wasn't my fault! I was trying to get into the left turn lane as I approached an intersection when the pickup behind me pulls into the lane. He then proceeds to speed up and drive past me, making it rather difficult to get into the lane.

Understandably upset, I proceed to yell,"You're a jerk!" at my closed window. Yes, I do swear like an 8 year old girl, thank you. Anyway, at the instant I finish saying "jerk" I hear a loud pop and see that the guys tire has blown out. He pulls into a gas station as I drive away, laughing maniacally.

Don't get me wrong, I never intended to destroy that guy's wheel. Sure I'm glad it happened, but it wasn't intentional. I didn't know what kind of power I possess. Specifically: the power to jinx people, which may or may not require use of the word "jerk."

And the more I think about it, the more I realize I should have figured it out sooner. Let's look at the facts:

November 2000 - Dubya wins the election, and Montgomery asks, "People voted for him? When did our country fill up with jerks?" The country quickly gets run into the ground by an inept government.

February 2002 - After seeing Crossroads, Montgomery remarks that Britney Spears is a jerk for making such a crappy movie. Brit quickly turns from nationally-adored teen sensation to nationally-abhorred white trash frustration.

May 2003 - Montgomery says that the Southampton Football Club has a bunch of jerks as players. They are defeated, and Arsenal wins the Football Association Cup.

June 2003 - Montgomery remarks that "buttholes are jerks" (nobody knows why). Lawrence v. Texas rules that anti-sodomy laws are unconstitutional, dooming buttholes for all eternity.

March 1841 - Time-travelling Montgomery attends William Henry Harrison's inagural address. during the second hour of the address, Montgomery asks a Whig, "Can you believe this jerk?" The Whig sees Montgomery's digital watch and suffers a fatal heart attack, Harrison dies one month later.

March 2007 - Montgomery (in tears) asks, "Why won't that jerk return my letters?" Captain America is then assassinated by Crossbones, at the behest of Red Skull. May he rest in peace...sniffle...

That's just a handful of examples. As you can see, I have a long history of cursing people who get on my bad side (must be my gypsy heritage). And I won't hesitate to put the hex on you, too. I can kill a yak from 200 yards away with the power of negative thinking, and I'm not the type to use my powers for good.

But I will use them for a profit! If you'd like me to jinx anybody, just let me know. I'll quote your price based on complexity of curse and type of target. I can even keep using my old business cards. I just need to change one word...

Montgomery Road - Bedazzling Bedeviling your enemies since 2007.